Thursday, May 7, 2009

Ur Vuz

I feel like I've been on the wagon for long enough, so let's cut to the chase. I'm going to read "Your Views". And then I'm going to tell you about it.

Will banning patches reduce crime?

Stan Key (Auckland Central): Is the New Zealand public serious! Next they'll expect banning them from wearing socks will cut down the crime rate! How about banning known gang affiliates from wearing any underwear, that way when the cops chase them they'll have difficulty running in tight jeans!

Stan was always the black sheep of the family. While his brother succeeded in the worlds of finance and politics, his comedy career never took off.
Mercy (Mt Wellington): Banning patches is like banning stud collars on dogs. If society has the collective will to regain territory lost to the gangs we could look to the dog whisperer, Caeser, and his technigues to humanely dominate unruly dogs.
I'm sorry, what?

old courage (Waikato/King Country): Why not make it a nation wide ban and should these no hopers flout the law in any way lock the mongrels up for a set period of time at their family cost. Stop them receiving benefits and the like and make them suffer the consequences of their behaviour.

[Blah blah hanging's too god for 'em] The maoris have enough of the country money now and the land so build them there own lock up and let them live there at their cost.

But what if they use their money to build prisons with a pool and heated floors? Uh oh, does not compute!

Lou (Christchurch) The only solution to the crime problem is castrate every criminal sent to jail. We don't want their DNA spread amongst the populous. Now before the limp wristed, dewey eyed, PC academics and vested interests (the legal fraternity in particular, staring a massive lose of income) start bleating.

What can't a eunich do other than other than contribute to the gene pool of the next generation of criminals? They can (shock horror) get a job, get educated, play sport, contribute to the community. Will the politicians do anything meaningful when the vested intersts contribute to their re-election campaigns - dreams are free.

It will be left to a group of vigilantes with plastic cable ties. Quick, clean and 100% effective. Only need to do a few gang members and the fear of losing their manhood will have them disappear into the undergrowth. (For front rowers from each local rugby team would be good starters)


Plastic cable ties? Damn bleeding heart liberal.

Mingo (Singapore): Define a gang. Plenty of associations have distinctive uniforms for members.
Hw about the local rotary club? The Freemasons with their aprons? University lecturers on capping day wearing their silly hats? They all wear distinctive regalia when they get together. Will they all be banned in Whanganui too?

You should have seen the violence last graduation day in Whanganui. Those freemasons can really throw a punch.

Anne (Te Awamutu): [...] Maybe they could look at michael laws to control the situation, and we will see if his wind is strong enough to keep his feet grounded.

What is the sound of one hand clapping? If a tree falls in the forest, does it make a sound? Can God create a stone so heavy he can't lift it? Is Michael Laws's wind strong enough to keep his feet grounded?
WIll (Auckland Central): They are just going to wear coloured bandanas or something else. It will also make it more difficult to identify them and perhaps result in cases of mistaken identity involving violence.
Those cunning gangs. They will simply blend right in with all the other people wearing bandanas.

Should you be able to describe yourself as a 'New Zealander' on census forms?

NZ-Indian (Epsom): I think it's time we take that question out, by default it should be just New Zealander. simple.

You're a NZ-Indian. We weren't asking you.

dee (Nelson): I just put NZ/Irish/English/Welsh on forms, I have done so for years. Have never had any complaints.

Well then let this be the first: you're a pain in the arse.

Auckland Kitty (Auckland): The census should ask for your skin colour and for your birth nationality. Then you can be a white New Zealander, a brown New Zealander, a green or a purple one, and we can all be New Zealanders together (except for all the foreigners!)

Good, I was just about to pull you up on that mistake.
karen hawxhurst (United States of America): Sonny J, one thing I aren't is confused. [...]
Sorry, I blacked out after this one.


  1. I reckon Michael Laws takes the cake (again)

    Banning patches "removes gangs' most powerful and intimidatory weapon"

    Presumably that's only after we've already removed their guns, knives, cars, dogs, guitars, brooms, fists, teeth, cellphones, pillowcases, kitchen sponges etc etc.

  2. "You're a NZ-Indian. We weren't asking you."

    Pretty sure repressing chortles that powerful in the office is bad for my health; might have to start reading this at home.

  3. Is there some sort of experiment we can run to determine just how quick, clean and effective castration with cable ties really is? Perhaps we can start with Lou, unless Lou is one of those pre-castrated penis-envying women types.

  4. Caleb D'AnversMay 8, 2009 at 2:54 PM

    Here's a startling scoop from the Herald about the siege in Napier: Gunman fires at Police Stopping Retrieval of Slain Colleague. Why were police trying to stop the copper's body being retrieved, and by whom? Curious readers want to know.

  5. C-, try harder next time.