The social pages: "Where wings take dream"

Are you a nobody? No one cares who you're shagging, or whether you're pregnant or just putting on weight? You need to become...

...a Z-list New Zealand quasi-celebrity!

Fortunately, the Herald has provided a step-by-step guide to getting there, via the "social pages" - also known as "the pages that cheaply take up space where, ten years ago, we would have had to pay journalists to write actual articles."

Be on time. If it's a 6.30pm kick-off, get there at 6.25pm. The photographers often have to cover several events in one night so if you turn up once they've left your do, you're plum out of luck. Also, the earlier you arrive the fewer people there will be, therefore you've straight away increased your chances on a purely statistical basis.

[...] Simply smile winningly and say "hi" when the photographer comes your way. Finding out the photographer's name and using it is one way of staying ahead of the crowd as it makes you seem like a society page regular which gives instant credibility.

Odd. This must be some obscure sense of the word 'credibility with which I'm not familiar.

The article is all written in that tongue-almost-in-cheek style that is so popular these days - is the author being ironic or not? It's a similar phenomenon to that of people claiming that they read Women's Day or FHM, but only because they find it hilarious on the level of irony. Rubbish - you're not fooling anyone, and we know that you actually do care about Tom Cruise's marriage.

I seem to have digressed. Regarding the Herald piece, I suspect the test is whether the author actually starts taking the advice herself. If anyone actually goes to "fundraisers, gala balls, charity auctions and product launches [classy]", let me know.