Expenses

I've always believed deep down, that any MP - or at least any MP who makes it to their second term - has to be a bastard. To paraphrase South Park, every election is between a giant douche and a turd sandwich, because they're the only ones who make it that far.

So I don't particularly begrudge the Herald their big story here, especially considering I've bagged them for not making a deal of MP expenses in the past. If anything, it's taken too long, and it's a black mark against the media that John Key had to willingly release the data himself.

The 'seven deadly sins' metaphor might be pushing it - Len Brown is 'envy' because he's admitted another personal purchase on his card, apparently because he felt left behind by the Labour caucus.

Some of the focus on Shane Jones is a bit prurient. I understand that he's not going to be Mr Popular among the female members of the caucus, and that perhaps it is worse that he watched porn rather than, say, romantic comedies, simply because a large number of taxpayers are opposed to pornography. (Although I would hope that plenty are also opposed to romcoms.) But this?

"...a pizza called Prawnographic...". Nice one.

The trouble is, of course, that the rightful damning of wankers rorting the system is that it conflates quite different things:

I assume that the inclusion of Helen Clark on the list is a joke, although you can never tell with the Herald. Michael Cullen is on the list for spending money on a fancy dinner - but, as the Dim-Post pointed out, that dinner was while he was Minister of Finance, and it was with the Australian Treasurer, and it's hard to argue that that's not some sort of government business. It hardly compares to taxpayer money being used by MPs as petty cash.

The final point is that, without defending the MPs accused here, there is another difference between some representatives and others. In 'the old days', MPs weren't paid, as it was considered a public service (not to mention that working for a wage was considered vulgar). This was one reason, of course, that working class people didn't become MPs - they couldn't afford to. Nowadays they are very well-paid, but a divide still exists. Of course John Key doesn't need to charge things to a ministerial credit card: he has $50 million. This is one reason why it's not a good idea, as the Herald was slyly suggesting yesterday, to scrap these cards and expenses altogether. The problem isn't that MPs can bill (as can so many private sector employees) for work expenses; it's that they clearly don't know, or refuse to acknowledge, what is business and what isn't.

Lazy/busy linking

Busy morning at work, oddly enough - thanks a lot, University of Auckland Law School. So here's something funnier and more relevant than I would have come up with anyway, and which half of you have probably seen already because it's not like The Onion is obscure.

Whatever.


Boston Globe Tailors Print Edition For Three Remaining Subscribers

CAT NEWZ

The Metro 'Section' (aka 'Page') of the paper, focusing on events of particular pseudo-relevance to people in the Auckland metropolitan area, is the result of the Herald's understandable desire to broaden their base beyond the city itself, and into the entire region and, indeed, the whole country.

That said, I never read it. The red ink-bedecked Metro page conjures up images, for me at least, of the most banal and boring news in Auckland - let's face it, anything important that happens in Auckland will, or should, be in the main news. (Sorry, rest of New Zealand.) To me, the Metro page is planning permission disputes, reports on council meeting minutes, residential zoning debates, 'waves' of burglary and that fascinating column where people, and God knows who, write in to ask about roads. But I found out today that it's not only that.

It's also news about notable cats from the metropolitan region:

Interestingly, it's the same reporter who wrote about the crabs (below). This is a bit confusing; I know times are tough at the Herald, but I'd thought that the demand for animal news would have meant separate reporters for vertebrates and invertebrates.

There's not much point quoting from an article about a cat, but I'm going to do it anyway:

Mr T, whose name is short for Tango after the police team that rescued him, was found as a kitten, soaking wet in a storm, his head popping up from behind the moving barrier on the Auckland Harbour Bridge.

Three years on, he's a healthy 6.1kg and "rules the roost" at his Helensville home.

[...] "He indicates what he wants so if he wants you to feed him, the paw comes out and hits you. And if dinner isn't on time - at six at night - you get a whack and if you ignore him, he goes around, he'll start ripping the furniture. If you still ignore him, he goes under the TV set.

"If that doesn't work he'll climb on top and dangle a leg so you can't watch the TV.

Awww. It's almost enough to make you wish for a controversial zoning permit.

Most Tortured/Tortuous Headline 2010

Page A6 today: "Fancy a feed of fancy crab? Sorry, there's a catch... well, no catch"

Sigh.

Oh, the article is also awful and unnecessary. The big news here is that stocks of Alaskan king crab in Auckland have run out:

Simon Gault, who owns the Jervois Steak House in Ponsonby and the Viaduct restaurant Euro, said stocks of Alaskan red king crab - subject of the television series The Deadliest Catch - ran out two weeks ago.

[...] The crab sells at Jervois Steak House at $26 for a 200g entree, and $80 for a 600g main.

Thanks for that important consumer news, consumer affairs reporter, of relevance to that large slice of society that purchases $80 restaurant mains. Christ, no wonder the rest of the country sees Aucklanders as effete layabouts.

Erection News, Part II

Also on the front page, some decidedly less sexy news:

A sexual abuse trial was aborted after a juror revealed he became aroused while listening to evidence from the alleged victims.

The elderly jury member was one of 12 people hearing a case in an Auckland Court this week about the sexual abuse of two teenage girls.

[...] On Wednesday, Judge Mary Beth Sharp questioned the jurors about how they were coping.

It is understood she was told the male juror had confided to his fellow jurors that he had been sexually aroused by the victims' evidence but had coped on Tuesday by wearing a condom in the courtroom.

Right, well that's pretty rough. From here, however, the article gets a bit odd.

The man also told the other jurors his views on the trial in case he ended up being taken off the jury.

As a result of that, the trial - which was supposed to run until yesterday - was aborted and the case rescheduled for a new trial date.

The premise of the whole article seems to be 'gross old pervert means rape trial has to be re-done'. But the two sentences above seem to imply that the actual reason for the abandonment of the trial wasn't that a man got an erection, but that the rules around communication among jurors were broken. Of course, I'm no fancy big-city lawyer, and perhaps the reason was indirectly the erection. Typically, it's impossible to tell from the article itself. All I know is that 'Trial cancelled because of breach of jury rules' is a less exciting headline than 'Trial cancelled because of pervert's erection'.

Moving on:

Neither the police nor the Crown would comment, saying the case was still before the courts.

But one source last night told the Herald the alleged victims would now have to go through the ordeal of giving evidence again at another trial.

Another source said this was not the first instance of a juror acting inappropriately.

"While these sorts of events are certainly uncommon, this sort of conduct is not without precedent."

Sources said the aborted case was yet another reason to have sexual abuse trials heard by judges only.

What the shit is this? Writing like this wouldn't survive on Wikipedia, let alone a proper, self-respecting newspaper. This isn't Watergate, people - we don't have to protect Deep Throat. Why do you need an anonymous source to tell you whether the victims will need to testify again? Couldn't you just contact someone at the University Law School, or... any trial lawyer? Oh, and in other breaking news - this isn't the first time a juror has acted inappropriately, in the history of New Zealand jury trials. Then we'll just put a quote in from this anonymous whistle-blower, even though it exactly paraphrases what the previous sentence already said. But the last one is the best. What you really mean is, "people who think sex cases should be tried by a judge only, but for some reason want to keep that fact secret, think that sex cases should be tried by a judge only." I'm going to slip an anonymous note onto my boss's desk saying, "Sources say that James Coe deserves a big fat raise," and I'll see how far that gets me.

There have also been concerns that juries do not always accurately represent society as they often are drawn from people who have the time to do jury service.

The accused's lawyer, Adam Couchman, said what had happened was not a common enough occurrence to seek change in the system.

"This is a once in a 20-year experience, so we have got to be careful of falling into that knee-jerk sort of reaction we all seem to have when something bizarre or significant occurs."

More rubbish weasel words. Honestly, it's like a tired satire of Fox News. Despite the concerns, the only person actually quoted in the article does not seem to share those concerns at all.

It is understood police are looking into the matter.

Oh Christ, just stop it!

Erection News, Part I

The News Week Ends Here:

Sacked for being too sexy, eh. Let's turn one page, to A3.


I see they've just reused the same picture. Speaking of which, the caption:

Managers told Debrahlee Lorenzana that her high heels drew attention to her body in a manner that was upsetting.

That's interesting, because in this photo Ms Lorenzana is wearing a halter top and a lei. Presumably not what she wore at work. Christ, why didn't you just photoshop her head onto a porn star?

Workplace discrimination is, of course, an important issue - even if these are just allegations at this stage. However, I suspect that the large majority of, say, women fighting gender discrimination aren't going to find themselves on the front page of the paper.

Even more interestingly, I suspect that the kinds of attitudes that have got Ms Lorenzana, and most of Ms Lorenzana's breasts, on the front page of the paper are the same attitudes that led to the alleged discrimination in the first place.

DOG NEWZ

During my most recent absence, I used my time on all sorts of esoteric creative adventures. One of them was the short-lived but legendary DOG NEWZ. A masterwork of ultra-concise satire, I skewered the liberal media with cutting wit, etc. etc.

Anyway, obviously the Herald would never do anything like run a front page report on a dog - certainly not after the savaging they would have got on DOG NEWZ...

Dum de dum.
Oh, a free glossy magazine, the Red Bulletin - aka a 100-page advertising supplement for Red Bull. John Key's nether regions. Something unimportant about Israel.

Oh, what's that on the bottom left?

Choice quotes:

"She's well kept, she's clean and she smells good," Mr Eagles said.

"Funnily enough, it's the second dog I've found at the top of the Harbour Bridge."

"I thought, 'How the hell would a penguin get up here and nobody see it until it's right at the top of the bridge?"'