Who watches the Vivawatch?

Highlights from today's atrocities:

• "Channel your inner Dorothy Gale", the dirt-poor farm girl from Depression-era Kansas, with a pair of red shoes for the reasonable price of $1150. Call Ashley Ardrey (a shop, I assume, not a person) on (09) 3091955 if you like hurling abuse down a phoneline.
• "If you're troubled by your lipstick bleeding, then DuWop's Reverse Lipliner [$50] may be worth a try." If, like me, you're troubled by your brain melting, see a doctor.
• "For an air of brooding elegance, follow fashion's flirtation with all things gothic." All things gothic, Viva? The Gothic alphabet? Ribbed vaults? Flying buttresses?
• "Which style tribe will you belong to this winter?" The "Femme Fatale"? The "Neo-Goth"? The Visigoth? Ngai Tahu? Or will you just wear normal clothes like a normal human being?
• Need a way (or 20 ways) to "instantly update your look for the new season"? You could "buy a pantsuit" to really cash in on Hillary Clinton-fever. Oh crap, they anticipated my joke in the text. Oh well, I've made it now.
• Wearing a handful of "cocktail rings", whatever they are, is "an easy way to change your look". In this case, from normal person to 1970s pimp stereotype. Other easy ways to change your look: wear several hats at once; more than one pair of shoes; eight pantsuits, harnessing the style power of the octopus.
• Poppy King, who sounds (and looks) more like an opium plantation than an actual person "knows the power of a good lipstick". Her favourite accessory? She's taking advice from Viva - "Handbags, handbags and more handbags." Sorry, I can't bring myself to transcribe any more. You're just going to have to go and buy your own copy.
• On another page, someone has cut a hole in the middle of a picnic blanket and is charging $665.
• One Zoe Walker turns out to have been quite disappointed by the Twilight movie. No, not because she is a grown woman and the movie was made for 13-year-olds; because she was disappointed that the vampire didn't live in a castle filled with bollocks. No, you won't look creepy when you put a $590 silver skull in your lounge, or black candlesticks and plates with a skeleton glaring at you on the dinner table. Although it might look a bit odd when teenagers stop thinking vampires are cool and turn their attention to, I don't know, fairies or Obama or accountants.

Fish, barrels, yes yes. That's it for this week. Someone suggested Vivawatch should have a theme tune that could blare out of your speakers while you read it. Suggestions welcome.