Jumping the shark

Look - I realise that the Herald has to have a giant photo on the front cover every day. I also understand that a lot of the time it's going to be attached to a story that is... less than front-page-worthy.

But you would hope that the accompanying 'story' is at least a) something of interest happening in New Zealand or b) a story of considerable world importance. At the very least, you would expect there to be a story at all. Behold today's front page:


The caption:

This 7.3m great white shark had just gorged himself on a seal off False Bay, south of Cape Town in South Africa, but when wildlife photographer Chris Brunskill dangled a decoy in front of him, he showed he was ready for a second helping.

So it's a shark in South Africa, not New Zealand. And it hasn't attacked anyone, it's just jumping out of the water - and someone took a photo of it.


On another note, did anyone else look at today's front page's main headline (headword?) and immediately think of this?:

Homewrecker

Anyone else in Auckland see the lightning last night? Pretty cool, huh?

Then again, it's all fun and games until someone loses a house. Lightning strikes, tsunamis and earthquakes may be 'cool' to look at, but they're not so fun for the people who have to pick up the pieces afterwards - people like Tauranga resident Sam Johnston, a man whose home was destroyed by the storms last night. Or so suggests the headline: "Lightning strike wrecks home". Did it burn down? Did the foundations collapse under the furious onslaught?

As the EtH reader who alerted me to the story eloquently puts it:

"Holy crap!" I thought when I read the headline. "That must have been one hell of a lightning strike!"

The accompanying photo next caught my eye. A frowny faced man sitting on some steps next to a bare patch of dirt. His house must have been totally vaporised by the lightning!

"Sam Johnston, son of the homeowner, sits on what remains of the garden wall."

Wrecked indeed. Until one actually reads the article.

A bolt of lightning destroyed a concrete wall and steps at a house in Tauranga, throwing debris into the air.

[...] "Inside ... papers flew in the air, and socket points blew off the wall across the living room, all melted." [said Johnston.]

So a garden wall was damaged. Socket points blew. "Papers flew in the air." I can see how the home was "wrecked" - the insurance company probably condemned the house rather than having to organise someone to pick them all up.

"Big Wednesday"

I'm not a fan of (literal) gambling - I don't enjoy it and I'm not very good at it. Rather than play poker, I generally prefer just to give someone the $10 that I'm going to lose anyway, and then sit there reading a book. Or drinking by myself.

However, I've always had a particular dislike for Lotto. To me, it seems to have all the randomness and depression of going to the dog track, but without the fun of throwing your hat on the ground and stamping on it when you lose. As an 'investment', it's a terrible idea - you'd be better off hiding your money under a mattress or burying it in your backyard. As for 'entertainment'... well, quite.

The last time that Lotto itself was on the front page of the newspaper it was because of the giant jackpots that were on offer earlier this year. At the time, I bemoaned the articles - more or less Lotto propaganda - being written in the media about the draws, and the complete misunderstandings of statistics that accompanied them. Today, however, Lotto is on the front page of the paper for a different reason: it has made a record profit.

Thousands of community groups will benefit from the New Zealand Lotteries Commission's record profit of $189 million.

Sport and Recreation New Zealand, Creative NZ and the Film Commission - the three main beneficiaries of the Lottery Grants Board funds - learned last night they would receive more money than expected.

But a spokesman for Mr Guy said last night hundreds more community groups would also be in line for money.

Every year, hundreds of community groups who meet the grants criteria apply for money but are declined.

That's nice. But I'm curious about this notion of Lotto, and therefore the Lottery Grants Board, making a 'profit'. Like I keep having to say, I'm not economist, and I'm not denying that they have actually collected this surplus of money. My quibble is with the alleged benefits that this article claims Lotto brings to the community.

Lotto doesn't actually produce anything (other than, of course, 'entertainment'). The $189 million isn't a profit that New Zealand made, any more than the tax money that the government takes is the country's profit. Surely what it actually is is redistribution. The money that Lotto has 'generated' for community groups has come from - wait for it - communities. The question that remains is whether the redistribution is worth it or not.

Mr Guy said Lottery grants provided vital backing for social, community, arts, heritage, sports, recreation, and health research activities which had a positive effect on New Zealand communities.

"A lottery grant can be the difference between an organisation wanting to make something happen in its community and being able to make it happen. It means that ordinary New Zealanders can do amazing things for their communities."

I'm all for social cooperation, but the money that is given out in grants is just coming out of the pockets of the people it ends up being given back to - minus, of course, the marketing, staging and administrative costs of running Lotto, the Lotteries Commission and the Lottery Grants Board. I have no data on who tends to play Lotto, but my sneaking suspicion is that it's not the wealthy sitting there praying for a big win; they know to put their five dollars on the stock market. The fact that the three biggest 'winners' from lottery grants are Sport and Recreation New Zealand, Creative NZ and the Film Commission - all performing valuable but, especially the last two, primarily bourgeois services - leads me to believe that this redistribution isn't quite as progressive as the rather chirpy Herald article makes out. Sure, that's not always the case:

The Combined Beneficiaries Union in Auckland had $66,000 in Government funding cancelled.

But it also receives lottery grants, and can now expect to benefit from the profit jump.

Of course, "the profit jump" was just more people spending money on Lotto, so if those people were beneficiaries then the nett "benefit" might be less than the Herald suggests.

This year's profit is likely to help offset Government funding cuts which have hit many community groups and organisations.

Yes, just like me taking ten dollars from your wallet and giving it to you offsets the loss of ten dollars from your wallet.

Don't read too much into this - I'm not claiming that Lotto should be banned, or that it's any worse than, say, Sky City, which constantly trumpets its charitable and community work - which of course happen to be its statutory obligations under its gambling licence. But the rather rosy picture of what is just, when you strip off the shiny-yet-humble veneer, another form of gambling painted by today's lead Herald article I found as distasteful as the first time you walk onto the gaming floor at the Auckland Casino: where you thought everyone would be wearing tuxedos, it turns out they're all wearing trackpants.

"Can a man milk his new born son milk from his tit? No he can not."

Like Oscar Wilde said, the only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it.


Should gay couples be able to adopt?

adam (Kingsland): My initial gut feeling to this question is no. But then I see so many couples having children that I think should never have been aloud to bread that I soften my views. I guess it comes down to whats in a their hearts as to wheather or not a couple make good parents.

I think the fears of many that it will bread a generation of gay people is unfounded. If that were the case then a straight couple would never have thrown a gay child in the first place.

Perhaps we need more controls on whom we alou to bread. People are throwing children all over the place.

Dagoth Pie (New Plymouth): Ok, so I'm a Christian, and I find it disgusting that people can insult Christians, call us bigoted, play on stereotypes, and try to use the views of a portion of the populace as an excuse, bluntly, yes, the bible is against homosexuality, in fact, if anything is pro being asexual, I'm probably only just old enough to say thats about the easiest way to go.

If it's good enough for single-cell organisms, it's good enough for us. But if you really think that binary fission is easier than sex, you're doing it wrong.

Fatboy (Fairdown): Why on earth do Gays want to be dragged down with the responsibilities, experiences and expences of child care? Kids aren't useless little dogs with inane names that will fit into your hand bags but costly, time consuming little ratbags that will be a drain on soul, spirit and the bank balance. And then come the teenaged years.

Perhaps some sort of weekend swap program can be started where Gays can "adopt" a child for weekends from hetreosexual couples so they can have a period of realising what a pain in the arse kids will be. The hetros will be also released albeit briefly to live it up on more ready cash, finer food, travel, fancier clothes, hedonistic orgies and eclectic nightschool courses.

Fatboy seems to be slightly confused, basing his view of "Gays" on notorious lesbian Paris Hilton. "Eclectic nightschool courses"? Methinks Fatboy doth protest too much.

Jake (Howick): Does the child want to grow up in such family? Ever thought of the kid when he goes to school, friends would make comments about "mum and dad". its hard for some adults to accept the homosexual concept but they know how to keep their mouth shout even if they find it hard to accept but Kids wouldn't know what to say and what not to, they'll just say it out and it would truly hurt the childs feeling.

The child may become isolated at school leading to an abnormal childhood. I'm not saying it would definitely happen, but you know kids eg if your surname is woodcock or dick, they would mock you.

Good thinking. Ban parents with hilarious last names from having children immediately.

TomG (Canada): I say "No" purely because it would be impossible for gay people to have a child in nature so maybe it is not intended to be. This not a malicious statement as many will no doubt try to make it - I just think if nature didn't intend it then maybe we shouldn't be doing it?

But don't worry - Nature definitely intended you to sit around pounding inane rubbish on a keyboard and submitting it to an online forum from halfway around the world.

Billy (Singapore): So called gay couples should stick to poodles.
No kid should be suffer the indignity of being brought up by homosexuals.
Would you let your son sleep over at a friends place who has 2 dads?
If their parents were gay they wouldnt be here!
Why encourage these freaks.

Now I will be called homophobic! And proud of it.

Classy. This is what happens when a newspaper fires all the people who moderate online content. Nice hate speech, Herald! You should be proud.

james (Victoria): [...] This is not an equality issue, its an issue of whats best for the kid. A gay relationship is NOT a natural family unit. A gay relationship is NOT the equivalent of a hetro relationship and therefore NOT deserving of the same recognition.

How can we say the relationship types are equal when one is vitally important to human survival and the other is not. Thats biological fact, not bigotry.

The biggest obstacle to worldwide human survival at the moment, of course, being a shortage of babies.

Andrew (Te Atatu South): No way. I am not against gay and lesbian people, but I am very very staunch when it comes to parenting - which should be MAN and WOMAN. Who am I to judge? But if it was my decision, I would not let homosexual couples adopt and bring up children. Children need a strong father figure in their life, aswell as a supporting mother.

I love this guy. When most people say, "Who am I to judge?", they tend to mean that they should not judge other people's actions and situation because they don't know enough about it, or because it would be hypocritical - "Judge not lest ye be judged", "And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother's eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?" Andrew, however, simply seems to mean that he is not in an executive or judicial role with oversight of this particular area.

Logan (Auckland): Why do homosexuals always accuse others of discrimination, intolerance and hatred just because people have different views? Why is there such a great need for acceptance and affirmation by the wider community if they are truly comfortable with their own morality.

[...] Homosexual relationships are a lifestyle choice between 2 (maybe more) consenting adults, however unnatural and perverse that may be.

[...] Children should NOT be used by adults to fulfill their fantasy whether it is of a sexual nature or otherwise.

Poor Logan. He's sick of the constant slurs being thrown his way. Perhaps he should go and adopt a child to take his mind off things. Anyway, I hear that some homosexual couples contain up to seven adults who can't reach sexual fulfillment without adopting a baby.

Relaxed in Taurang (Greerton): No, they shouldn't. Aside from the religious views, the rights and the wrongs that go with this debate, I believe that a child needs a father and a mother as role models. Dads and mums fill different needs in a child's life and having two parents of the same sex is not going to help a child. Call me old fashioned.

Okay. You're old-fashioned.

Karen (Sunnynook): Perhaps my experience is limited in only having known 6 gay guys in my life and maybe the same number of lesbians, but I think that until we know more about the physiology and resultant psychology of homosexuals then with our most vulnerable, namely orphaned children, we should err on the side of caution.

I remember seeing a documentary on a homosexual scientist who studied the brains of known homosexuals using MRI scans and on post mortem and he was able to show demonstrable differences between the brains of homosexual and heterosexual individuals.

I've heard rumours that gay people have three kidneys! More to the point, surely we can't trust the research findings of a gay scientist until we know more about the physiology and resultant psychology of homosexuals.

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I'm sweating and my breathing is irregular, and I'm only a quarter of the way through. Feel free to do your own research and post it.*

*Unless you're homosexual and we don't have enough information on your physiology and resultant psychology.

Cringe factor nine

What reporters do when there's no actual news.

Yuk yuk.

Monkey News

Oh Christ. From page A3 of New Zealand's Newspaper of Record - "Feline Star plays the piano purrfectly":

A piano-playing cat called Nora has become an internet sensation after a concerto was written for her.

Unfortunately, this piece didn't make it to the website - either because it was pinched from the Telegraph or because they've fired all the people who upload content to the Herald Online - so if you want to find out more about Nora then you'll have to buy the paper.

I was going to link to the story on the Telegraph website, but I refuse to be the kind of person who links to a story about a piano-playing cat. So there.

"THE NEWS WEEK STARTS HERE"

I would apologise for the lack of editing going on for the past week or so but, as it turns out, there's just been nothing bad in the Herald to talk about.

There's definitely been nothing like this piece, an article that should have been rejected from the College Herald for editing like this:

From what little can be gleamed from reviews and leaked video clips, the Zune HD's on-screen keyboard (a critical make or break feature) looks very similar to the iPhones in that letters to linger above your fingers, making for significantly easier typing.

Whilst its hard to get a feel for the Zune HD's 3.3" 16:9 widescreen capacitive OLED multi-touch 480x272 screen from pictures and lo-fi YouTube clips.

The use of OLED is likely to ensure it'll be pretty vivid and, like most new OLED mobile phones, should be pretty readable outdoors.

I know the site is called Editing the Herald, but I shouldn't literally have to edit your punctuation and grammar.

There also hasn't been any occasion for a 'Party on, Garth'. He didn't, for example, argue that our criteria for whether we should send troops to war ought to consist entirely in whether the soldiers are keen or not. This column, had it existed, had the memorable effect of eliciting a letter from none other than Phil Goff defending his position on Afghanistan. Memo to Phil: just keep walking and don't talk to the crazy person. We have professionals to deal with that sort of thing.

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To ease you into the working week - those of you who even have jobs - I thought I would critique the front page of the Herald. It's tough, however when there's almost no news on it because the entire top half of the page is covered with colourful boxes making promises about the fun content inside the paper.

Back in my day, people didn't need colourful boxes to convince them to turn the page and see what was on the next one. I guess I just wasn't made for these times.