Cringe factor nine

What reporters do when there's no actual news.

Yuk yuk.

Monkey News

Oh Christ. From page A3 of New Zealand's Newspaper of Record - "Feline Star plays the piano purrfectly":

A piano-playing cat called Nora has become an internet sensation after a concerto was written for her.

Unfortunately, this piece didn't make it to the website - either because it was pinched from the Telegraph or because they've fired all the people who upload content to the Herald Online - so if you want to find out more about Nora then you'll have to buy the paper.

I was going to link to the story on the Telegraph website, but I refuse to be the kind of person who links to a story about a piano-playing cat. So there.

"THE NEWS WEEK STARTS HERE"

I would apologise for the lack of editing going on for the past week or so but, as it turns out, there's just been nothing bad in the Herald to talk about.

There's definitely been nothing like this piece, an article that should have been rejected from the College Herald for editing like this:

From what little can be gleamed from reviews and leaked video clips, the Zune HD's on-screen keyboard (a critical make or break feature) looks very similar to the iPhones in that letters to linger above your fingers, making for significantly easier typing.

Whilst its hard to get a feel for the Zune HD's 3.3" 16:9 widescreen capacitive OLED multi-touch 480x272 screen from pictures and lo-fi YouTube clips.

The use of OLED is likely to ensure it'll be pretty vivid and, like most new OLED mobile phones, should be pretty readable outdoors.

I know the site is called Editing the Herald, but I shouldn't literally have to edit your punctuation and grammar.

There also hasn't been any occasion for a 'Party on, Garth'. He didn't, for example, argue that our criteria for whether we should send troops to war ought to consist entirely in whether the soldiers are keen or not. This column, had it existed, had the memorable effect of eliciting a letter from none other than Phil Goff defending his position on Afghanistan. Memo to Phil: just keep walking and don't talk to the crazy person. We have professionals to deal with that sort of thing.

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To ease you into the working week - those of you who even have jobs - I thought I would critique the front page of the Herald. It's tough, however when there's almost no news on it because the entire top half of the page is covered with colourful boxes making promises about the fun content inside the paper.

Back in my day, people didn't need colourful boxes to convince them to turn the page and see what was on the next one. I guess I just wasn't made for these times.

Odds and sods

Also on the front page today is an article entitled "Phone giants say call for price rules could backfire". It's a definite area of public interest, although the story template that is "Large, dominant firms argue that regulation is bad" is a bit uninformative.

What I found particularly interesting* was the reporter's use of scare quotes around words that really didn't need them. For example, you probably don't need to call termination rates "termination rates" - that's just what they're called. More to the point, why did she feel the need to put "big two" (of mobile phones, Vodafone and Telecom) and "duopoly" in quotes? Would anyone seriously claim that they don't constitute a duopoly (depending, at least, on how 2 Degrees fare)? Talk of customers being "ripped off" by the "big two" is more of a value judgement, but if you put it on Your Views then I think most people would tend to agree.


*Not that interesting really.

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Perhaps someone could submit this article from page A3 to Ricky Gervais and Karl Pilkington's Monkey News? Or just shoot me in the head:

Minty, the free-roaming capuchin, is on the loose again - but it may not be a case of monkey business on her part this time.

...

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So, you know, hassling Your Views is too easy because anyone can go on and write whatever bigoted, nonsensical stuff they like. Not like the Readers' Forum (the letters page to you and me):

Gays are supposed to have an empathy that Chris Carter clearly lacks. An empathy that might have had more regard for the single-income families with three children whose tax dollars fund his lifestyle. Families that get nothing for nothing from nobody.

Rob Harris, Upper Hutt

I shouldn't really have to do this, but here goes:

• "Gays"? Really? In 2009?
• They are supposed to have empathy, are they? Other things that "gays" are supposed to have, according to what I learned from American sitcoms: high-pitched voices; tight pants; good, if flamboyant, fashion sense.
  
• The last sentence isn't a sentence, it's a fragment - a fragment containing a triple negative that makes the writer sound like a grumpy six-year-old.

Come on, Herald: I know you're trying to cut staff, but just because the person in charge of selecting the letters for publication is sick doesn't mean that you just get a temp to bung in the first ones out of the mailbag.

New Zealand Woman's Crime Scene: Investigation

Sorry about the late posting - would it make you feel better if I told you I had to move my computer so I could sit next to a phone plug and use dial-up internet to post this?

From today's front page:

Leanne Kingston was a doting mother-of-four who was going through a tough time.

The 39-year-old shared custody of her children - aged 8, 14, 16, and 19 - with their father, her on-and-off partner, who she had just broken up with again.

Ohhhh-kaaaay. So?

On Monday the children waited patiently at school, but their mother never came to collect them. Ms Kingston, one of triplets, was found dead by her sister in the bathroom of her modest Papakura home about 4pm.

In other words, a woman was murdered. Why can't the media just say this anymore? It seems like some sort of biographical intro, the text equivalent of a violin soundtrack in a minor key, is necessary for every single article. Honestly, are we so jaded that we need to be overtly led to feel sad and angry about someone's murder? The article continues:

Friend and neighbour Margaret Tate said she and the children's father couldn't live together, but couldn't stay apart.

"They used to have time out, he would go out of the country or to the South Island for a while," she said.

This is a woman who just got murdered, not a fading Dancing with the Stars starlet selling her story to the Woman's Weekly. Questionable taste and questionable relevance. Finally, however, the story gets on to talking about the actual event, and the ongoing police investigation. What follows is a rare inside-look at the nitty-gritty of how the thin blue line protects the public:

Police have spoken to several people, including the children's father.

[...] Yesterday, forensic experts and detectives scoured the property and spoke to neighbours.

Police said friends and family of the dead woman would be interviewed to try to determine her movements. Other addresses connected with the woman were also being examined.

Asked if her killer was someone she knew, Mr Gutry said police were keeping an open mind.

"We're looking at all options, looking at everything."

That information would determine which direction the inquiry took, he said.

"Asked if her killer was someone she knew"? Well, given that no one has been arrested for, let alone convicted of, the murder, I can imagine the police having a hard time ascertaining whether they knew the victim - no 'homicide note' having apparently been left to clear things up. How inconsiderate.

That aside, I can't imagine anyone getting less information from the story had the entire last section been cut and replaced with: "Police are investigating like they usually do." Looking at forensic evidence on the property? Check. Interviewing friends, family and witnesses? Check. Let's just call it 'looking up leads'. Not leaping to conclusions and arresting random people on the street? Check. But that last sentence cracks me up:

That information would determine which direction the inquiry took, he said.

So... the information that police get from the site, witnesses and initial leads will decide what they do next? As they say on the internet: Thanks. For. That.

Filler

Too busy at work to post properly but, if you don't already have a headache by this time of day, you could go and visit the Your Views on climate change. I have no idea whether or not man-made emissions are causing climate change. I'm humble enough (!) to accept that I'm going to have to leave this one up to the climate scientists who, as far as I can tell, overwhelmingly support the hypothesis that climate change is at least partly anthropogenic.

No such humility is to be found on YV, however. And yes - it's the Herald's fault. Asking a question like they have is like a cross between asking "Do you believe man really walked on the moon?" and "Do we need oxygen to breathe?".


Do we need to reduce greenhouse gas emissions by 40% before 2020?

Helen (Onehunga): I was wondering where all my $30-'s will go too.anyhoo,let's not worry too much yet, as the government has popped in a few nice "out"clauses, requiring all the big countries to do their bit as well, which they clearly won't.

Thank goodness lots of people are starting to see this issue clearly, as I've never believed any warming was due to man-and-cow-made emissions but used to get scathingly shouted down by Believers till I learned to shut up.

How anybody can believe that a tax will save Earth from catastrophe is beyond me.
I'm not an actress, but I'd really like to sit down and have a cuppa and a chat with John Key too-I don't know much about Global Warming but I know what I could do with an extra $30 per week.

Duly noted.

Pedantic (Forrest Hill): There has yet to be one single scrap of scientific proof put forward by global warming lobbys [sic] to substantiate their claims. Their MOD [sic] is, the louder we shout, the more inclined people will be to listen!

I was prepared to humour these mis-guided [sic] souls while their rantings and ravings didn't affect my daily life, however, public and corporate donations are now not enough! Now they want every living soul to pay for their madness! I draw the line! I say they should all climb back into their slimy holes where they belong.

Who is going to be retarded enough to support this proposal?

Sorry to be, erm, pedantic about your spelling. But I think I'll side with the scientific consensus on this one. Nice rant though - what were we talking about again?

But I must adieu - this data isn't going to enter itself.

The blog that dare not speak its name

From an article in the Business section by John Drinnan:

Sky Television chief executive John Fellet says he is not concerned about websites that include virulent attacks against Sky sports coverage and put the blame squarely on him.

He describes the site, which looks at the resources Sky puts into its high-definition broadcasts for some sports events, as cyber-bullying.

Anti-media sites are common enough - there is even one devoted to this paper - but www.johnfellet.com does have an edge to it.

What, no link?