Sweating the small stuff

Misleading headline of the day: "Kiwi dies after attack in Bali".


Know the odds:

The two Queensland finalists for the "best job in the world" are among the top contenders to win the dream gig, according to the bookies and a talent casting director.

While interpreter Clare Wang, 30, of Taiwan is currently the bookies' stand-out leader, with odds of A$3.50 ($4.32), Queenslander James Hill is the second favourite to win the competition, at A$5.

So... if I bet NZD$1, I get $4.32? No. You don't understand what odds are, do you?


Surveywatch: You all know how much I love survey results being published as news, so you will realise how delighted I was to read this 'article' today. Jesus, the tedium! Here are some highlights from the article, which was about a survey of Wellington apartment-dwellers, and which someone at an Auckland newspaper thought was interesting, informative and relevant:

In the results released last month, the council said the typical city apartment dweller was most likely to be a New Zealand European male or female, aged between 24 and 35, with a professional job in the downtown area.

Male or female, you say? Thank God this research was commissioned.

The majority of those surveyed (73 per cent) worked or studied in the central city area.

Newsflash: city apartment dwellers tend to work in the city. Honestly, it just goes on about this survey for literally hundreds of words. Go on, look at it. Here's the link again. Go now.


Big News in the Bay: "Actor takes Easter break", the Herald is excited to report. And by report I mean 'steal from Hawke's Bay Today'. The actor in question is one John Hannah, a man of whom I have never heard, but evidently someone who is a big fish in the small puddle of Napier.

Hannah, actress wife Joanna Roth and 5-year-old twins Gabriel and Astrid were noticed by fan Marianne Gannaway in a cafe on Saturday.

"I was so sure it was John Hannah so on a pretend trip to the loo, I nervously asked him if he was indeed John Hannah," Ms Gannaway posted on a fan website.

Ah, cultural cringe.

How to write a political article, by Claire Trevett

Step 1. Take an event that is entirely normal - the Greens, the country's third-largest political party, running a candidate in a byelection.

Step 2. Make up some sort of controversy to sex it up - alleged approaches from "Labour people" to ask the Greens not to run a candidate against them.

Step 3. Dedicate a third of the article to what someone who is completely uninvolved and uninformed about the made-up controversy - Rodney Hide - thinks about the made-up controversy.

Step 4. Collect undeserved paycheck.


Quite why the Green Party running a candidate in the Mt Albert byelection is news is never adequately explained. The approaches to the Greens consisted of "'informal discussion round the traps' between Labour and the Greens about potential vote-splitting". Here is an informal discussion about vote-splitting:

Phil Goff: Hey, we're both centre-left parties. I hope there's no vote-splitting in this byelection.

Russel Norman: Yeah, same.

And as for Rodney 'The Values Party' Hide, I have no idea how he weaseled his way into the story to deliver the fascinating news that Act would also stand a candidate. But he did manage to give his views on the controversial approaches that almost certainly didn't happen:

If Labour had tried to encourage the Greens not to stand or to get their candidate to encourage voters to support Labour's candidate it showed they were concerned about losing the seat [said Hide].

"It's a bit poor of Labour to be running so scared that they're trying to restrict the democratic options of Mt Albert."

Well it's lucky that Rodney's job (and party) don't rely on National, shall we say, taking it easy in Epsom at the election. Because that would make him a hypocrite.

Editing the News

Even more than the newspaper, television news faces a dilemma: how to report horrible tragedies and hilarious/cute human interest stories in the same bulletin. The approach they seem to have settled on is to smile when they are talking about a party for dogs, then put on a serious, frowny face when they report, say, a tsunami. But last night's TV3 news had an especially delightful example. During banter between the main presenters and the sports presenter, the latter came out with this gem about some rugby league player (don't ask me who):

"He's facing a sexual assault charge, but that hasn't cramped his style on the field."

Oh, good. Because I wouldn't want anything as minor as an alleged sexual assault to affect a game of rugby in any way. And yes, to make it better, the lead item on the news was: an (unrelated) sexual assault on a 13-year-old girl.

Practice with me now - smiley face, frowny face, smiley face, frowny face...

Good Monday

None of you are at work, so why should I have to be?

See you all tomorrow!

Good Viewsday

It's Good Friday today, which means that there is no Herald. Does anyone else feel a certain emptiness? Fortunately, I plan to fill that emptiness with "Your Views":


Is National working with the Green Party a good idea?

John Shen (Auckland Central): I personally dislike how green party does things.

part-time green party salespersons on the street trying to convince you to donate them by automatic payment.

"Do you care about the enviorment?" they'd ask. But i wonder how much of those money are actually going to the enviornment. I bet they spend the most of it on administration cost and politic crap.

Hi John. You seem to have confused the Green Party with Greenpeace. Please don't vote.

geo (Tauranga): No harm in that as long as they stay strong and not let the likes of Sue Bradford tell them what to do. The way this Government is heading, I am inclined to vote them out in the next election. Imagine being called a "rick p****" and "should not be trusted" and then go on to offer his nemenis Cullen a well paid job to grease his ever growing retirement bank account. Sucks! Now the Greens want their say. Why not sit back and let the Greens, Maoris and Act parties run the Nation?

Rick Penis? Is that it? And how dare Michael Cullen save for his retirement? Sucks!

David (Linwood): Green party appeared to be strong to something about it in 3 main issues to overcome as they would not give up until these issues done and implement monitoring themselves.

It appear they're perseverance.

It appear so.

Kiwicafe (Featherston): Green By Name, Green By Nature, pun intended.
They are the Non Nurture Party
The Sidelined Party
Do Nothing But Interfere Party
If Anyone is To Smack It's Us Party
Smack By Any Other Name Party
Smack And Go To Jail Party
No Fun Party
A Party Of Pills . the list is endless

No, please, go on. The Party Hearty? Tupperware Party? Also, you lose a point for not mentioning 'Nanny State Party'.

Mancy Horliss (Remuera): A marriage between the Greens and National was always in the offing - especially with there being a John Key and a Keith Locke. Don't be surprised if National and the Greens re-brand themselves as The Key'n'Locke Party.

Ha ha, I see what you did there. But seriously, I'll probably still be surprised if that happens.

Anyway, happy Easter and/or Passover everyone.

Praise on, Garth

It's Easter (well, almost - it's Maundy Thursday, on which you are apparently supposed to visit seven churches; I'm up to four) so the Herald opinion page is chock-full of articles on religion. Well, there are two of them - three if you consider a large picture of a church to be an article.

The death of Our Lord has got Garth George in a good mood. I can't really be bothered talking about the whole article, but here are some choice quotes that you can contextualise as you wish:

• "There is always a temptation - and plenty of Christians have given in to it - to use the words of scripture to suit a particular doctrinal, social or political position."
• "And that means we have to be patient and kind and generous and humble and courteous and unselfish and good-tempered and guileless and sincere, which is what being loving means."
• "The only way we can attract people to Christ is to be attractive people."

That's Garth George - patient, generous, courteous, good-tempered and attractive. Quite why the Herald lets him publish whatever crap he wants every week is beyond me. Quite possibly people are afraid to tell him otherwise.

In other news, I'm running a sweepstake on what he will write about next week. Personally, I can't decide between gardening and rape.*

*In terms of what he will write about, obviously.

The Origins of Violence, by Susan Underwood

Your correspondent Tracy Cannon asks where violence comes from. It comes from a lack of self-discipline.

Women are murdered because they have had the audacity to end a relationship, people are attacked in the street for looking sideways at someone. It all stems from attackers acting out their anger without a vestige of restraint in their behaviour.

We were taught self-discipline as children when we were given a smack on the back of the leg for throwing a tantrum because we could not get our own way. We were taught that life is not fair, things do not always go your own way and that, as a child, you must learn to get over it. Violence comes from this lack of self-discipline and restraint, not the smack.

Susan Underwood, Orewa

Thanks Susan. Violence began in 2007 with the passage of the Crimes (Substituted Section 59) Amendment Bill. That's that sorted then - to think I thought it was a complicated phenomenon. Be sure to keep reading the Herald Readers' Forum to catch Susan's thoughts on solving the economic crisis and perfecting cold fusion.