How to get free advertising in the Herald

Have you ever wondered what it takes to get a large, quarter-page ad on the front page of the New Zealand Herald? $100,000? $1,000,000? Get real - my foolproof plan can get you an ad on the front page of the Herald for free:

• Step one: Be a large corporation - Telecom would be good.
• Step two: ???
• Step three: Look at your free ad on the front page of the Herald.

Of course, it's not quite that simple - you can't just have a big Telecom logo and some twat from Top Gear on the front page. You have to be subtle. Make an article about, I don't know, some guy called Mike Mizrahi - "the man behind glamorous Louis Vuitton events" - lighting up the Auckland Town Hall to 'celebrate' the unveiling of Telecom's new 'XT' mobile network. It's presumably only mildly embarrassing that it no longer coincides with the actual launch, after an out-of-court settlement with Vodafone. Still, advertising is advertising.

But the good part is that you don't have to pretend for long:

[Mizrahi] was given the responsibility of transforming the Auckland architectural icon to celebrate the launch of Telecom's new mobile network.

A text message sent over the new XT Network by 11-year-old heart patient Helena Young "flicked the switch" on the display.

Intriguingly, the following paragraph is in the paper, but has disappeared from the version on the website:

Telecom had hoped its internet-friendly 3G service would be good to go yesterday. But its launch date was delayed two weeks in a settlement after a legal row with rival Vodafone. Marketing "noise" around the multi-milion dollar network is likely to intensify closer to the revised May 29 launch. [Oh good.]

Conspiracy theories as to why are welcome below.

Editing the News

Just a quick self-promotional note. In a revolutionary branching-out that may well change the way you get your news, I will be carrying out a live blog of the television news tonight via Twitter. I haven't decided which news to watch yet - if no one gives me a preference (in comments) then I will be forced to look for omens in the intestines of a sheep sacrificed to the news gods.

If you don't have Twitter, you can go sign up here. If you already have Twitter, you can find my feed and follow it here. If you neither have Twitter, nor any desire to join Twitter, or you have better things to do on a Thursday night than sit in front of your computer watching someone vent at the television, then I will put the transcript up here afterwards - but I warn you, you will miss out on a visceral, edge-of-the-seat, adrenaline-fuelled rollercoaster ride of emotion.

All proceeds to Amnesty International.

Fun with headlines

I've talked before about the odd-but-explicable relationship between the Herald and real estate agents, so I shan't go on too much. But the fascinating relationship between today's housing prices headline - "Housing gains spark optimism" - and the content of the article is worth mentioning.

BNZ chief economist Tony Alexander warned against interpreting the figures as any big recovery or turnaround.

"I would not blindly extrapolate these figures to believe there's an upturn given tighter lending from banks, rising unemployment and the recent increases in longer-term fixed interest rates," he said.

[...] Nick Tuffley, ASB economist, said prices were still lacklustre and down 1.4 per cent on levels a year ago. He prefers a different set of data that show price drops of almost 10 per cent.

"While we expect that the housing market is now on a recovery path, it will be a mild recovery. The fundamentals for the housing market are not strong."

Now that's optimism! But at least agents are positive:

Peter Thompson, Barfoot & Thompson director, said: "The market is tough but we've got to move on and work with what we've got. It's not like it was three or four years ago."

Easy mate, don't get too carried away!

I think being the guy who writes the headlines would be the best job in the world.

Where have I put the newspaper?

I had it right here just before, I swear.

EDIT: Never mind, found it.

Vivawatch 2: Viva Goes Bananas

The front cover of today's Viva has an image of Milan Furniture Week. I never knew that mannequin legs could be used as an elegant-yet-practical doorstop.

"An anti-luxury statement in a luxury-obsessed culture", Toy Watch is an Italian-based watch, brand new in at Superette. [...] This stand-out blingy watch, $889, features rose gold and crystal detail [...]

I'm not sure what it would mean to be an Italian-based watch, but I don't know if I would pay $900 for a watch that has to go back to Europe. Anyway, it's comforting to see that even Viva couldn't call a $900 watch "an anti-luxury statement" without using scare quotes.

Designed by Thomas Pedersen, the simple but effective StingRay chair is a modern interpretation of the traditional rocking chair [...] Inspired by a seashell, the unique chair made of a large single sheet of moulded, laminated wood is intended to encase you with a feeling of inner peace.

When I started reading this, erm, piece, I wondered exactly what it was that made a chair "effective". Does it just mean you don't fall off while sitting on it? Later, sitting in my new acquisition, I suddenly had an epiphany: it is the provision of inner peace.

We've noticed a mini eyewear trend [as opposed to a mini-eyewear trend... monocles?] recently - two-tone sunglasses. We've spotted them on stylish girls around town, as well on [sic] a few celebs (think Chloe Sevigny). But not just any colour will do it right they [sic] must be clear and black.

So it's safe for me to get rid of the hot pink and black two-tone sunglasses that I (and everyone else) had at age eight? Reading this, I can't help but think about the epistemology of fashion: how does one know if someone is a "stylish girl"? What if someone wore a fashionable dress, two-tone sunglasses and gumboots? Which way do you go? Are gumboots stylish, or is the person gauche? Luckily, there are highly trained professionals to answer these sorts of questions for me.


Interestingly, Viva has a section entitled "Retail Therapy".

P.C. Gone Mad

For those of you who thought I was being paranoid when I wrote about the Packaging Council last month, I finally have vindication. For those who thought I was overreacting, exaggerating the Machiavellian manipulations of this shadowy organisation, I give you this: "Packaging Council accused of meddling in contract".

The Packaging Council, the industry body that co-ordinates big-company policy on throwaway packaging, has been accused of stepping in to stop a Government-funded contract being awarded to a company that had criticised it.

So we've moved on from not knowing who the Packaging Council is, but I can't help but feel that we're only halfway there. If Whanganui's gangs got together to form an Intimidation Council, would the Herald run articles claiming that the Intimidation Council had been accused of starting fights, drug dealing and vandalism? I suspect not. So why would the article simply not say that companies who use packaging are being accused of meddling in a contract? Honestly, Herald - you know that this is exactly why these ridiculous organisations get started, right?

Envision director Warren Snow wants compensation for the lost contract - which he estimates cost $60,000-$100,000, including work the company turned down.

In January, council president Mark Brosnan expressed "regret" about the incident in a letter to Envision.

But the council denies any financial liability and says Mr Curtis [the PC chief exec] was acting as an advocate for its members.

Now I just don't understand what is going on. Go on, read the article. It's like watching a thriller with a huge ensemble cast.* 'Who's that guy? Is he working for that first lot? Why is he after that other guy, I thought they were friends?'

*Disclaimer: May not be as exciting as actually watching a thriller.

3 News Update

Mike "It's All About The News" McRoberts on tonight's bulletin:

"The British tabloids have finally found something to fill the hole left by the Jade Goody saga - the breakup of Peter Andre and Katie Price [or whatever Jordan's real name is]."

Yes, that's it: the British tabloids have found something to fill the gap. I don't know how someone can operate with such a level of cognitive dissonance, although it probably has something to do with sleeping on a pile of money.


I really need to start a blog for the television news.