Editing the Herald

Pot, kettle, etc.

2010-11-16T13:40:00.003+13:00

Another youth-bashing article about kids gone bad. Yawn.

Except this one is so remarkably smug and arrogant about the whole issue that it was worth me breaking out of my torpor and writing something down.

More than 1500 Facebook users, most of whom appear to be students, say they plan to attend the "Castor Bay Beach Party 2!" on Auckland's North Shore in December.

Students! Here we go:

On the Facebook page, posters do not appear to care about the residents of the area, the police, the illegality of their actions, or grammar.

Adam Ellington, whose profile picture appears to show someone throwing up, is defiant.
"This is win. We will win. Cops wont win [sic]," he wrote.

Laura Petrova Isaac also intends on going.

"ha ha went to the first one... and the next day it was all over the news and i was watching it with mum and she goes 'some children these days! im glad u dont do stupid things like this' lol... uuhhmmm.... [sic]" she wrote.

Weird! These kids are paid professionals, right? I can't believe they submitted that writing to the Herald without fixing such simple grammatical and spelling errors. Don't they have a subeditor to pick up on this?

So it was already unintentionally ironic enough that this article got published in a newspaper that is regularly riddled with the sorts of grammatical mistakes that would make a gardening society newsletter editor blush. Until...

Finding that sentence really made my day, like a ray of sunshine bursting through the self-satisfied smog that is the rest of this piece of 'journalism'.

Also, everyone knows that 'maybe attending' is polite code for 'not attending'.

Trick or.... threat! (sorry)

2010-11-01T09:17:00.003+13:00

A new candidate for most outrageously overblown headline and story - "Kids' threats shatter Halloween night". The whole thing is atrocious:

Children trick or treating in South Auckland - some younger than 10 - took the "scary" side of Halloween too far last night by threatening people who did not give them sweets.
Police dealt with more than half a dozen cases of children swearing, intimidating and being aggressive towards people who refused to give them lollies.

More than half a dozen! What, seven? Eight?

One Herne Bay resident told the Herald the inner-city area also had problems with terrifying trick-or-treaters, with up to 150 flocking to the suburb for Halloween. "There are even some shipped in from Glen Innes for the better pickings."
Mr Alofa said police had not received any reports of people being "shipped in".

People from Glen Innes visiting Herne Bay? Christ, why didn't you say this was serious??

Oh wait, you did.

SWAN NEWZ

2010-10-29T10:30:00.006+13:00

Thanks, South Island affairs correspondent.

The male bird, known as Aragorn, this weekend attacked Dian Edmondson while she was kayaking.

The attack was so fierce she had to fend it off with a paddle.

She says she was told of other attacks on the same day.

When she first passed by the swan to say hello "he had his head down, tucked under his wings and I just thought he was being shy".

But later, as she passed a bridge, she heard a yell: "hey, he's going to get you" - and then the feathers began to fly.

"He actually physically got out of the water on top of my kayak, at the back. He had his wings stretched out ... attacking my kayak with his beak. All I know is my boat's shaking ... and I was screaming and carrying on."

I'm sorry - Aragorn?

On second thoughts, maybe we should let The Hobbit go overseas until we have a firmer grip on reality.

EDIT: Just saw that the swan made the front page of the print edition. Well done, big guy.

New Zealand's Next Top Fish

2010-10-27T14:00:00.003+13:00

The National government's recession spending cuts have given public research organisation Niwa a chance to reconsider their scientific priorities - or, at least, that's the impression I got from this piece on A5:

"Deep sea fish take ugliness to new level, says Niwa"

"says Niwa"

Actual quote from Niwa in the article:

Niwa fisheries scientist Peter McMillan said the discoveries revealed how little we knew about the ocean's riches - less than 0.002 per cent of the deep sea environment has been sampled.

"The deeper we go, the less we know. Our knowledge of fishes decreases with increasing depth."

Quotes from or attributions to Niwa about how ugly/monstrous/gross/icky the fish are: 0

Truth to power: sports edition

2010-10-27T13:07:00.004+13:00

It ain't easy being a journalist, and sometimes you have to make the tough calls. At some point you have to stand up to the powers-that-be and say, "No! I will not be your lapdog! I will not feed your lies to the people any more!"

Carl Bernstein and Bob Woodward risked their careers to expose the seedy underbelly of political corruption and uncover the true scale of Watergate. Meanwhile, several journalists of the independent, anti-Putin Novaya Gazeta have been murdered in the last decade. But it's good to see that journalistic courage exists on these shores too, as Herald sports columnist Chris Rattue puts his press box World Cup tickets and accompanying chicken nibbles on the line to call out the New Zealand rugby hierarchy and call them 'boofheads'. Controversial!

"Idiotic drivel from the rugby Kremlin"

The All Blacks' assistant coach Steve Hansen has made a bold bid for Boofhead of the Year.

His suggestion that the New Zealand media co-operate with a later timing for All Black team releases by opting not to leak any earlier information they may glean on the selections is bizarre.

Hansen has been pilloried by other commentators, and rightly so.

He has already put the rugby media in an unfortunate situation, because public suspicions about past and future reporting will be raised.

Now, I appreciate the sentiment. I'm all about freedom of information, and the idea of newspapers acting as some sort of censors for governments terrifies me. I mean, what if the mainstream media in New Zealand more or less reprinted government and corporate press releases instead of analysis? I know, it's too shocking to bear thinking about.

Unfortunately, Rattue goes on to get a little carried away.

The need for press freedom and the right of the public to as much genuine information as possible in our society are among the many reasons to mock Hansen's plea.

To even suggest that the New Zealand media would enter into such agreements is an insult. The media should operate in an arena of competition, not collusion.

What a closed and boring world those rugby-heads must live in for drivel like that to come from their lips. They are, as I have said often, control freaks to a level that dulls and thus harms their sport.

They mistakenly believe that an entire country should be - and even is - in a Kremlin-style rugby camp.

All journalists face tricky situations at times, and may choose to withhold a story knowing there will be a better payoff down the line. This can be a grey area of no hard and fast rights or wrongs.

But a blanket agreement such as Hansen is suggesting is totally unacceptable.

The rugby media, a thin line in this country, will fight such trends to the bitter end and cop the consequences if any. The rot must stop here.

Then again, maybe a Kremlin-style rugby camp is exactly what the All Blacks need to give them the discipline to beat the bed-wetting liberals of France this time.

To quote Rattue himself: "What a closed and boring world those rugby-heads must live in".

The more things change...

2010-10-21T09:48:00.002+13:00

I've mentioned before that Beck Vass isn't actually the name of a reporter working at the New Zealand Herald; instead, it's a code phrase for a press release that's been jammed into the newspaper. So, from the newspaper that brought you the story about how great Foodtown rebranding to Countdown would be for consumers, here's a page A3 story about how great C4 rebranding to FOUR will be for indiscriminate television watchers aged 18-39.

Fans of America's Next Top Model and The Simpsons, which now screen on TV3, will no longer be pressing "3" on their remotes from early next year.

The channel changeover is part of a rebranding by Mediaworks, which owns TV3 and C4, as the broadcaster tries to attract older viewers.

Ok, so what effect do some big industry players think this will have?

Mediaworks TV chief executive Jason Paris announced yesterday that the network was giving the mostly music C4 channel a shakeup, making its content more mainstream and renaming it "Four".

"Four will be a channel which appeals to anyone looking for great entertainment," Mr Paris said.

"Everything the channel does will be entertainment. No news, sport or information, just pure escapism."

Unlike C4 previously, which was so chocka with news and information there was barely any time for booty-shakin' hip-hop videos. Information such as 'what happened this week on America's Next Top Model'.

At this point, any pretense of actually being a newspaper article stops.

New programmes include Community, in which comedian Joel McHale plays a lawyer forced to go to community college to get a real qualification after his degree was found to be fraudulent.

Also included is drama series The Gates, set in a neighbourhood with a "dark and delicious" secret, and Top Chef: Just Desserts - a spin-off of the Emmy-winning Top Chef series.

Oh good - because I can't wait to see what happens to all my favourite characters from Top Chef.

Anyway, this was actually the second, and least bad, Herald article about this Mediaworks change. The first appeared yesterday on the website. It's allegedly written by the implausibly named 'Hugh Sundae' - nice one - but I'll give you one guess as to who actually wrote it:

C4 will be re-branded as FOUR, in a statement Mediaworks said it would "become broader in its appeal, with programming which attracts a wider, and more mature audience."

[...] C4, which currently targets the 15-39 year-old audience, will refocus on the current TV3 key-demographic of 18-49. In turn TV3 will now target 25-54 - currently TV1's key demographic.

[...] "It's very good news for viewers," according to Martin Gillman, partner at Mitchener Gillman Communications.

Well, except for viewers aged 15-17.

Headline of the day: 'Muslims are people too' Edition

2010-07-09T09:57:00.001+12:00

From page A6:

SNAKE NEWZ

2010-07-09T09:43:00.003+12:00

It's Friday, and Garth still hasn't appeared. Dead, or just in hibernation? Answers on the back of a pie wrapper.

--------------------------------

Meanwhile, at stately Herald Manor...

Editor: ...Right, next story. What's this one about?

Journalist: Well, it's about pests getting through customs. Apparently snakes aren't the problem at all, but-

(Editor turns and looks out window. Fingertips touch, C. Montgomery Burns-style.)

Editor: Snakes, you say....

SuperCity Race: Parallel Universe Edition

2010-07-01T16:13:00.006+12:00

That is, the parallel universe where John Banks isn't right-wi... sorry, "business-friendly" enough to be mayor. Take it away, Fran O'Sullivan, as usual on her knees (pun most definitely intended) before the Business Roundatable:

Wanted: A new mayoral candidate with plenty of verve, business smarts and charisma to sharpen the leadership contest for the new Auckland Council.

That is the clear message sent by a big swag of Auckland's business power-brokers in the Herald's 2010 CEO survey.

Oh, by the way, I've downloaded this amazing new piece of software to help with my blogging: it's called 'Euphemism-O-Detector', and it automatically bolds any use of euphemism in blog text. I thought I'd see how it went on this article.

"Most Aucklanders were expecting a tough challenge for this role," said Auckland Regional Chamber of Commerce chief executive Michael Barnett. "So far they have been disappointed."

[...] Neither main candidate achieved a particularly high rating from the respondents on whether they had the "vision, drive and execution skills to ensure the Auckland Council succeeds".

[...] "If Auckland isn't efficient then growth aspirations won't be met," commented a the [sic] head of a professional firm.

[...] A law firm head described Banks as a "proven performer" in managing complex change and demonstrating vision and leadership. But others noted that he polarises opinion. "The first mayor needs to be a consensus builder so that the various factions can move towards common ground," said Foodstuff's Tony Carter. "Balancing that, the mayor needs to be a consensus builder as a weak person won't achieve anything."

[...] Another said both Banks and Brown were much more politically interested than policy-oriented, and, questioned whether either would have the pragmatism to deal with critical commercial issues like the Ports of Auckland shareholding.

[...] The new candidate should be "someone with guts, who can take some hits (and has taken some hits), someone who understands business, someone with good relations to Wellington, but not someone who is a career politician," said a finance CEO.

[...] Given the lack of overwhelming confidence in either Banks or Brown, it's perhaps not surprising that more chief executives say the Auckland Council's CEO, rather than the mayor, will be more important to the Super City's success.

Can someone please untangle the logic of that sentence? Given that I don't like any vegetables, it's not surprising that I think I'll satisfy my nutritional requirements by dipping streaky bacon in chocolate.

[...] Setting a clear vision for Auckland was important if the new council - which wraps together the present eight local authorities of Auckland into one structure - is not to become bogged down in factional fighting and local concerns.

[...] Among comments were: "too many of the existing crop have declared their interest in standing"; "the democratic structure does not allow for selection on skill matched to job requirements"; and "even C&R has too many has-beens who never were". A clear majority - 56 per cent - believed there were "too many retreads" at the expense of new blood; 40 per cent were unsure.

Presumably leaving 4% who thought there were "not enough retreads". Sounds like a great survey.

[...] Just one-third of chief executives think the new council-controlled organisations will have sufficient independence to do what's best for Auckland.

Leaving just... everyone else in the region upset that CCOs will be largely unaccountable to elected representatives.

Well, that worked quite nicely, didn't it, valued readers?

Party on, Garth

2010-07-01T14:36:00.005+12:00

"Raaar!"

I haven't written about Garth for a long time now. This is partly because I'm lazy, but also because he's just been boring. I really can't be arsed when he writes - again - about how climate change is made up by an international conspiracy of environmentalists and financiers.

Today's column bugged me though. Not (just) because he's back bagging the availability of abortions. It's the terrible excuses for arguments that he puts into his column, and that are therefore sanctioned, if not endorsed, by the New Zealand Herald. The column is even entitled, "Murder of innocents behind closed doors," as if Garth would prefer them to be filmed in front of a studio audience and put on Youtube.

While the compulsive-obsessive nico-nazis celebrate depriving our jailbirds of their perfectly legal tobacco, a gullible Minister of Corrections, Judith Collins, makes what will turn out to be an unsupportable rod for her own back. Meanwhile, a group of our so-called high-powered citizens get together to push for tougher laws on another perfectly legal product, booze.

Let me explain it, Garth. Whenever you make a law banning something, it's usually on a product that is legal - albeit often something that, like alcohol, is already restricted. If it weren't legal, you wouldn't have to ban it.

Smoking contributes to the deaths of a few thousand people a year; excessive alcohol consumption to a few thousand more.

But what about the more than 17,500 potential New Zealanders who were vacuumed into oblivion in abortion clinics round the country in the 2009 calendar year, most of them illegally under the provisions of the law supposedly administered by the Abortion Supervisory Committee?

Ok, neither the time nor place to get into a debate about whether the foetus is a person, or can meaningfully be described as 'a potential New Zealander' - but at least I'm willing to point to a debate. And don't worry, Garth: a lot of those women were probably immigrants.

Once again, all but a handful (2 per cent) of the 17,550 abortions performed last year were on the grounds of serious danger to the mental health of the mother - a ratio that has been constant since 1977 - which means there must be a hell of a lot of mentally unstable women in our land.

Well can you blame them? Look at the state of newspaper columnists.

In the United States, increasing use of ultrascan has led to big reductions in the number of abortions as women who seek counselling see the perfectly formed little human being moving in their wombs.

Yes, and it's been a massive, politically-motivated battle led by religious groups which is being fought out in the courts. In everyday parlance, we call it a 'guilt trip'. To be consistent, I'd like everyone who wants to eat bacon and eggs to have to watch someone slaughter their pig, and then grab the eggs from the battery cage.

Nevertheless, some of last year's abortion statistics are more chilling than others. For instance, last year nearly 6500 women had repeat abortions: 19 had their seventh (or more), 63 their sixth, 136 their fifth, 441 their fourth, 1364 their third and 4423 their second. What does that tell us about the effectiveness of "counselling"?

Depressingly, 3952 teenagers, and children as young as 11, had induced abortions last year. Of them, 592 had had a previous abortion and 67 girls were on to their third or more. What does that tell us about the effectiveness of "sex education"?

Nothing, Garth. It tells us nothing. That's just how statistics works. Now, what do rising teen pregnancy rates in conservative US states during the Bush Administration tell us about abstinence teaching?

But the most sinister aspect of all this is that the Abortion Supervisory Committee, which is supposed to administer the abortion law as passed by Parliament, continues to act illegally.

In a High Court judicial review of the committee in 2008, sought by Right to Life, Justice Forrest Miller said in his judgment: "In my opinion, the statistics and the committee's comments over the years ... do give rise to powerful misgivings about the lawfulness of many abortions. They tend to confirm [the] view that New Zealand essentially has abortion on request."

Yet nothing has changed. The alleged threat to the mental health of the mother remains the grounds for nearly all the abortions granted.

I'll help you out with this too, Garth. The reason that the government isn't doing anything about it is that it is working as intended. The only reason that women have to go through the ridiculous charade of applying for consideration under the mental duress condition is that it is a sop to grumpy old people like you. For better or worse there's not many of you left, and your cigarette, alcohol and pie-binging ways aren't helping matters. Well, not for you.

You can rail at the alleged illegality if you like, but, like it or not, the day that some court rules that these abortions are illegal is the day Parliament introduces legislation legalising abortion properly. This is because most people in New Zealand like the fact that abortions are available. I'm sorry but that's just how democracy (usually) works. Here's a list of countries you may be interested in moving to:

North Korea
China
Pakistan
Vatican City
United States of America

The members [of the Abortion Supervisory Committee] up for reappointment are Professor Dame Linda Holloway, of Dunedin, as chairwoman, Dr Rosemary Fenwicke, of Wellington, and the Rev Patricia Allen, of Christchurch.

There is growing pressure being put on Mr Power, by Right to Life and others, not to reappoint Dr Fenwicke on the grounds of conflict of interest. One of the duties of the committee is to supervise abortion certifying consultants, who are empowered to authorise the disposal of unborn children, yet Dr Fenwicke is herself a certifying consultant.

Oh, a conflict of interest. Sure, perhaps. Or, then again, maybe (and I really have no idea here) Dr Fenwicke is actually an expert on abortion and, given that it's not going to be banned before Judgement Day, she might have some valuable knowledge about best practice in providing them.

How about instead considering the conflict of interest of Rev Allen, whose title is a bit of a giveaway as to where her sympathies lie. I thought not. Frankly, I suspect Garth's main problem with the committee is that they're all women.

It is only to be hoped that Mr Power will have the guts and the nous to use this as an opportunity to clean up the whole illegal, closed-shop abortion industry.

God, you're right! Maybe I was wrong about you! Let's clean it up! Let's make sure that women don't have to be made to feel ashamed about their choice, let's make sure they're not literally told you are crazy, or at risk of it as a condition of getting an abortion.

Otherwise, the annual slaughter of the innocents will remain our most dreadful and heartbreaking tragedy and disgrace.

Oh. Sorry, my bad.

Fun with headlines

2010-06-28T15:06:00.003+12:00

So the government is making noises about banning smoking in prisons. You'd wonder why they feel like they need a fag when they can just take a dip in the heated pool, shoot a quick nine holes on the golf course or watch Gossip Girl on their MySky HDI blah blah blah...

Anyway, supposedly the main motivation for the change is the health - and, of course, future litigation prospects - of prison guards and non-smoking prisoners. Fair enough, although good luck making it stick. So quite why anyone feels the need to make this ridiculous point is beyond me - "Prison smoke ban could reduce crime":

Banning smoking in prisons could reduce crime, says a Northland mayor, amid warnings that guards and inmates would face added pressures and need more resources to cope.

[...] Whangarei Mayor Stan Semenoff, who has been advocating smokefree prisons since March, said crime rates could drop as a result of the policy.

Since March! Anyway, this is New Zealand and we have a fine tradition of small town (sorry) mayors coming up with ridiculous bollocks: Tim Shadbolt's Invercargill International Airport, Michael Laws' ... erm, Michael Laws. Now why does Mr Semenoff believe this to be the case?

A smoking ban at a prison on Britain's Isle of Man had become a deterrent for reforming criminals who couldn't face prison terms without smoking, Mr Semenoff said.

The drop in crime has been reported by British media, including the Telegraph, which said the crime rate on the island had fallen by 14 per cent and burglary by 35 per cent.

For a start, the Isle of Man isn't really part of Britain - but that's hardly the most misleading thing here. It seems like Mayor Semenoff has been reading this article from the super-reliable Daily Mail, which combines the correlation of a (relatively) massive new prison that happens to ban smoking with anecdotes about potential crims hating the prospect of not smoking, and finds causation. Interestingly, this piece from the IoM Today doesn't mention the smoking ban, and puts the drop down to effective community policing, which seems perfectly plausible on an island of 80,000 people with already-low rates of crime. In fact, while the Telegraph article mentioned in the Herald mentions a one-year drop in crime, the IoM Today article claims the massive crime drop began three years ago - before the prison was even built.

Obviously I can't expect a Herald reporter to do the five minutes of googling it took to find that information. And I realise that in the brave new world of 'objective journalism', the journalist's job is to accurately report what famous people have said, rather than finding out if it's true or not.

What I don't understand is why the crazed ramblings of a minor public official on an issue of no direct relation to him have been reported, and then bigged-up until it forms the headline of the piece (the only part of the piece most people will read before heading to Your Views). Or why the Herald is suddenly interested in an evidence-based approach to reducing crime, rather than just phoning up Garth McVicar and asking him what he thinks.

But the worst part is the headline. The article itself, while certainly being an utterly banal recounting of what various interest groups have said, with no weighing up of the issue at all, at least samples different views, only one of which - Mr Semenoff - considers the putative drop in crime noteworthy. Nonetheless, there's the headline: "Prison smoke ban could reduce crime".

Sometimes I cry at night.

EDIT: The headline has changed now that Crusher has announced the policy. But you get the point.

I've banned the Herald... oh wait

2010-06-28T11:09:00.004+12:00

On Page 3, there's an article about the Australian Government 'banning' "ultra-skinny" models, which the Herald helpfully illustrates with a picture of an "ultra-skinny" model in a bikini. Nice.

"Aussie bans ultra-skinny fashion models":

Australia has moved to ban ultra-skinny models from catwalks and magazines under a new code of conduct announced yesterday.

Code of conduct, huh...

The initiative encourages those in the fashion and beauty industries to refrain from using super-thin models on the catwalk and digitally-enhancing images in magazines to make models appear even skinnier.

The code, which is not compulsory, also calls for fashion magazines to stop advertising rapid weight-loss diets and cosmetic surgery.
[...] The Australian code also encourages only using models aged 16 and over, with retailers and brands also being urged to provide a greater variety of sizes in clothing.

So not really a ban at all, then. I realise that these voluntary codes are often the result of compromises between government and industry lobbies, but it seems to me that "Aussie does not go through with ban on ultra-skinny models" is a more accurate headline here.

[Australian Federal Youth Minister Kate] Ellis said the move would let those in the fashion and beauty industries know customers "no longer want to see already thin models who have great chunks digitally removed and cut out of their thighs and waists to appear even thinner.

Sigh. I know that neither the Herald nor the original source of the story made up such a ridiculous quote - if people (or, more to the point, advertisers) didn't want, or think they wanted, to see these images, they wouldn't exist. (Perhaps you could argue that advertisers are forcing these models on people who don't want to see them, but I think that would be a stretch.) But part of the problem is that the media will report any such banality from a politician without question, let alone criticism. Where's the journalist asking the obvious question here?

Oh that's right, they all got fired and are working in ministerial press offices. Nothing to see here.

You're not even trying anymore

2010-06-28T10:50:00.003+12:00

I knew I shouldn't have looked at the front page of the Weekend Herald:

Yes, here's that front page article about a fictional character from an advertising campaign, something that evidently passes for culture - sorry, culcha - in New Zealand:

After more than 10 years and 60 commercials, retirement is looming for ASB Bank's Ira Goldstein.

The bumbling banker and his grumpy New York boss are viewer favourites, and their television ads for the bank have won many industry awards.

But the ASB has dumped advertising agency TBWA Whybin, which created the campaign in 1999.

The bank won't discuss the change, but it seems Goldstein could soon be on his way back to New York after his decade-long investigation of ASB's merits.

To be fair to John Drinnan, he writes about this type of stuff all the time and probably didn't mean it to end up on the front page.

ASB pulled the Goldstein advertisements for several weeks after the terrorist attacks on the World Trade Centre in September 2001, out of respect for those killed and for fear of causing offence with the image of a bumbling New York banker.

Right.

Anyway, I trust the same thing struck you as struck me when I looked at the picture above. the story about the ASB advertising campaign appears on the page right above... the ASB advertising campaign. Now that's what I call synergy!

The true cost of Bieber Fever

2010-06-21T13:50:00.003+12:00

Bored of parliamentary expense scandals, but gagging for news of wasted taxpayer money? Don't worry, the Herald has you covered.

Interesting headline: the only reason the police are tallying the cost is that the Herald put in an OIA request.

It took 30 policeman working a total of 161 hours to look after pop sensation Justin Bieber during his day-long New Zealand visit.

The resources were used for the 16-year-old Canadian heart-throb's visit on April 27 and 28.
[...] Security was beefed up in New Zealand after excited fans caused chaotic scenes in Sydney which prompted police to cancel his show at the Circular Quay.

Ok, so I'm not sure what the Herald's angle is here. I don't like to see my tax money spent on protecting tween pop stars any more than APN does - or would do if they made a profit and therefore had to pay tax - but I suspect that 161 hours of police time is cheaper than the aftermath of the riot that happened in Sydney. I don't understand it, but some people want to see this Bieber character, and I don't think I want to live in a country where we say people can't visit in case they are too popular.

But that's not the fun part of this article.

Garth McVicar of the Sensible Sentencing Trust said that over the years several victims had had trouble getting police to respond when they had reported a crime so the police decision to help with crowd control for Bieber's visit was shocking.

"There seems to be a huge lack of resources, lack of man-power to actually react to real crime.

"It just appalls me. Shouldn't these pop stars be organising their own security at their own cost? It shouldn't be a cost that the taxpayer's paying for. The police are a crime-fighting agency and that's what they should be limiting their resources to."

So... Garth McVicar - who, oddly enough, looks in my mind's eye like Garth George - is Speed Dial 1 on the Herald phones. I suppose that if he's willing to work for nothing but some Old Testament-style testosterone he's cheaper than a journalist.

Predictions:

Garth McVicar on the World Cup: "South African authorities took four days to try, convict and sentence to 15 years in prison men who stole from World Cup journalists. That's three days too many! SOFT ON CRIME."
Garth McVicar on television listings: "What? They cancelled Crimewatch? SOFT ON CRIME."
Garth McVicar on the horoscopes: "Mars has moved into the third house, and Uranus is ascendant, which means... YOU'RE SOFT ON CRIME."

Newsflash

2010-06-21T12:24:00.003+12:00

To paraphrase every schoolkid who ever had to give a speech in primary school...

The Oxford English Dictionary defines news as:

2. The report or account of recent (esp. important or interesting) events or occurrences, brought or coming to one as new information; new occurrences as a subject of report or talk; tidings.

The New Zealand Herald defines Page 2 news as:

It is also widely known as Midwinter's Day, and from today, the days will begin to get longer and the nights shorter as summer draws closer.

There are 162 days until the first day of summer, on December 1.

Today, the sun will rise at 7.30am and set at 5.11pm - giving nine hours and 41 minutes of daylight.

Investigative journalism at its finest.

-------------------------------------

Sorry about the weak efforts at posting, by the way - the World Cup is really eating into my sleeping time, which means that sleeping eats into my work time, which means that work eats into my blogging time. So it goes.

Page 3

2010-06-16T10:23:00.003+12:00

"Ryan Sanders, 3, loves to give lion cub Chase, who weighs 18kg, belly rubs."

Christ on a bike. Or am I being too harsh?

Expenses

2010-06-11T09:34:00.005+12:00

I've always believed deep down, that any MP - or at least any MP who makes it to their second term - has to be a bastard. To paraphrase South Park, every election is between a giant douche and a turd sandwich, because they're the only ones who make it that far.

So I don't particularly begrudge the Herald their big story here, especially considering I've bagged them for not making a deal of MP expenses in the past. If anything, it's taken too long, and it's a black mark against the media that John Key had to willingly release the data himself.

The 'seven deadly sins' metaphor might be pushing it - Len Brown is 'envy' because he's admitted another personal purchase on his card, apparently because he felt left behind by the Labour caucus.

Some of the focus on Shane Jones is a bit prurient. I understand that he's not going to be Mr Popular among the female members of the caucus, and that perhaps it is worse that he watched porn rather than, say, romantic comedies, simply because a large number of taxpayers are opposed to pornography. (Although I would hope that plenty are also opposed to romcoms.) But this?

"...a pizza called Prawnographic...". Nice one.

The trouble is, of course, that the rightful damning of wankers rorting the system is that it conflates quite different things:

I assume that the inclusion of Helen Clark on the list is a joke, although you can never tell with the Herald. Michael Cullen is on the list for spending money on a fancy dinner - but, as the Dim-Post pointed out, that dinner was while he was Minister of Finance, and it was with the Australian Treasurer, and it's hard to argue that that's not some sort of government business. It hardly compares to taxpayer money being used by MPs as petty cash.

The final point is that, without defending the MPs accused here, there is another difference between some representatives and others. In 'the old days', MPs weren't paid, as it was considered a public service (not to mention that working for a wage was considered vulgar). This was one reason, of course, that working class people didn't become MPs - they couldn't afford to. Nowadays they are very well-paid, but a divide still exists. Of course John Key doesn't need to charge things to a ministerial credit card: he has $50 million. This is one reason why it's not a good idea, as the Herald was slyly suggesting yesterday, to scrap these cards and expenses altogether. The problem isn't that MPs can bill (as can so many private sector employees) for work expenses; it's that they clearly don't know, or refuse to acknowledge, what is business and what isn't.

Lazy/busy linking

2010-06-09T12:22:00.003+12:00

Busy morning at work, oddly enough - thanks a lot, University of Auckland Law School. So here's something funnier and more relevant than I would have come up with anyway, and which half of you have probably seen already because it's not like The Onion is obscure.

Whatever.

Boston Globe Tailors Print Edition For Three Remaining Subscribers

CAT NEWZ

2010-06-08T10:58:00.003+12:00

The Metro 'Section' (aka 'Page') of the paper, focusing on events of particular pseudo-relevance to people in the Auckland metropolitan area, is the result of the Herald's understandable desire to broaden their base beyond the city itself, and into the entire region and, indeed, the whole country.

That said, I never read it. The red ink-bedecked Metro page conjures up images, for me at least, of the most banal and boring news in Auckland - let's face it, anything important that happens in Auckland will, or should, be in the main news. (Sorry, rest of New Zealand.) To me, the Metro page is planning permission disputes, reports on council meeting minutes, residential zoning debates, 'waves' of burglary and that fascinating column where people, and God knows who, write in to ask about roads. But I found out today that it's not only that.

It's also news about notable cats from the metropolitan region:

Interestingly, it's the same reporter who wrote about the crabs (below). This is a bit confusing; I know times are tough at the Herald, but I'd thought that the demand for animal news would have meant separate reporters for vertebrates and invertebrates.

There's not much point quoting from an article about a cat, but I'm going to do it anyway:

Mr T, whose name is short for Tango after the police team that rescued him, was found as a kitten, soaking wet in a storm, his head popping up from behind the moving barrier on the Auckland Harbour Bridge.

Three years on, he's a healthy 6.1kg and "rules the roost" at his Helensville home.
[...] "He indicates what he wants so if he wants you to feed him, the paw comes out and hits you. And if dinner isn't on time - at six at night - you get a whack and if you ignore him, he goes around, he'll start ripping the furniture. If you still ignore him, he goes under the TV set.

"If that doesn't work he'll climb on top and dangle a leg so you can't watch the TV.

Awww. It's almost enough to make you wish for a controversial zoning permit.

Most Tortured/Tortuous Headline 2010

2010-06-08T10:19:00.003+12:00

Page A6 today: "Fancy a feed of fancy crab? Sorry, there's a catch... well, no catch"

Sigh.

Oh, the article is also awful and unnecessary. The big news here is that stocks of Alaskan king crab in Auckland have run out:

Simon Gault, who owns the Jervois Steak House in Ponsonby and the Viaduct restaurant Euro, said stocks of Alaskan red king crab - subject of the television series The Deadliest Catch - ran out two weeks ago.

[...] The crab sells at Jervois Steak House at $26 for a 200g entree, and $80 for a 600g main.

Thanks for that important consumer news, consumer affairs reporter, of relevance to that large slice of society that purchases $80 restaurant mains. Christ, no wonder the rest of the country sees Aucklanders as effete layabouts.

Erection News, Part II

2010-06-04T12:06:00.003+12:00

Also on the front page, some decidedly less sexy news:

A sexual abuse trial was aborted after a juror revealed he became aroused while listening to evidence from the alleged victims.

The elderly jury member was one of 12 people hearing a case in an Auckland Court this week about the sexual abuse of two teenage girls.
[...] On Wednesday, Judge Mary Beth Sharp questioned the jurors about how they were coping.

It is understood she was told the male juror had confided to his fellow jurors that he had been sexually aroused by the victims' evidence but had coped on Tuesday by wearing a condom in the courtroom.

Right, well that's pretty rough. From here, however, the article gets a bit odd.

The man also told the other jurors his views on the trial in case he ended up being taken off the jury.

As a result of that, the trial - which was supposed to run until yesterday - was aborted and the case rescheduled for a new trial date.

The premise of the whole article seems to be 'gross old pervert means rape trial has to be re-done'. But the two sentences above seem to imply that the actual reason for the abandonment of the trial wasn't that a man got an erection, but that the rules around communication among jurors were broken. Of course, I'm no fancy big-city lawyer, and perhaps the reason was indirectly the erection. Typically, it's impossible to tell from the article itself. All I know is that 'Trial cancelled because of breach of jury rules' is a less exciting headline than 'Trial cancelled because of pervert's erection'.

Moving on:

Neither the police nor the Crown would comment, saying the case was still before the courts.

But one source last night told the Herald the alleged victims would now have to go through the ordeal of giving evidence again at another trial.

Another source said this was not the first instance of a juror acting inappropriately.

"While these sorts of events are certainly uncommon, this sort of conduct is not without precedent."

Sources said the aborted case was yet another reason to have sexual abuse trials heard by judges only.

What the shit is this? Writing like this wouldn't survive on Wikipedia, let alone a proper, self-respecting newspaper. This isn't Watergate, people - we don't have to protect Deep Throat. Why do you need an anonymous source to tell you whether the victims will need to testify again? Couldn't you just contact someone at the University Law School, or... any trial lawyer? Oh, and in other breaking news - this isn't the first time a juror has acted inappropriately, in the history of New Zealand jury trials. Then we'll just put a quote in from this anonymous whistle-blower, even though it exactly paraphrases what the previous sentence already said. But the last one is the best. What you really mean is, "people who think sex cases should be tried by a judge only, but for some reason want to keep that fact secret, think that sex cases should be tried by a judge only." I'm going to slip an anonymous note onto my boss's desk saying, "Sources say that James Coe deserves a big fat raise," and I'll see how far that gets me.

There have also been concerns that juries do not always accurately represent society as they often are drawn from people who have the time to do jury service.

The accused's lawyer, Adam Couchman, said what had happened was not a common enough occurrence to seek change in the system.

"This is a once in a 20-year experience, so we have got to be careful of falling into that knee-jerk sort of reaction we all seem to have when something bizarre or significant occurs."

More rubbish weasel words. Honestly, it's like a tired satire of Fox News. Despite the concerns, the only person actually quoted in the article does not seem to share those concerns at all.

It is understood police are looking into the matter.

Oh Christ, just stop it!

Erection News, Part I

2010-06-04T11:49:00.003+12:00

The News Week Ends Here:

Sacked for being too sexy, eh. Let's turn one page, to A3.

I see they've just reused the same picture. Speaking of which, the caption:

Managers told Debrahlee Lorenzana that her high heels drew attention to her body in a manner that was upsetting.

That's interesting, because in this photo Ms Lorenzana is wearing a halter top and a lei. Presumably not what she wore at work. Christ, why didn't you just photoshop her head onto a porn star?

Workplace discrimination is, of course, an important issue - even if these are just allegations at this stage. However, I suspect that the large majority of, say, women fighting gender discrimination aren't going to find themselves on the front page of the paper.

Even more interestingly, I suspect that the kinds of attitudes that have got Ms Lorenzana, and most of Ms Lorenzana's breasts, on the front page of the paper are the same attitudes that led to the alleged discrimination in the first place.

DOG NEWZ

2010-06-01T09:55:00.004+12:00

During my most recent absence, I used my time on all sorts of esoteric creative adventures. One of them was the short-lived but legendary DOG NEWZ. A masterwork of ultra-concise satire, I skewered the liberal media with cutting wit, etc. etc.

Anyway, obviously the Herald would never do anything like run a front page report on a dog - certainly not after the savaging they would have got on DOG NEWZ...

Dum de dum.
Oh, a free glossy magazine, the Red Bulletin - aka a 100-page advertising supplement for Red Bull. John Key's nether regions. Something unimportant about Israel.

Oh, what's that on the bottom left?

Choice quotes:

"She's well kept, she's clean and she smells good," Mr Eagles said.

"Funnily enough, it's the second dog I've found at the top of the Harbour Bridge."

"I thought, 'How the hell would a penguin get up here and nobody see it until it's right at the top of the bridge?"'

Clutching at straws

2010-05-27T11:52:00.004+12:00

Have a look at this picture:

Now have a look at this picture:

Now let's look at them together:

Bland and nondescript or strikingly like an image used to good effect in another election campaign?

A picture of Auckland Super City mayoral contender Len Brown in a campaign advertisement is being compared to posters of Barack Obama used during his successful bid for the White House.

Well let's do a comparison, shall we?

Differences:

One is in a striking colour scheme, one is in black and white.
Len Brown is smiling and looking at the 'camera', while Obama comtemplates the heavens.
Obama is very stylised, while Brown goes for a more 'warts and all' depiction.
Obama's picture features the word 'HOPE', while Brown's has nothing.

Similarities:

They are both pictures of political candidates.
Both wearing ties?

Ok, so not much there. So where did this story come from? Let's have a look at the text.

A picture of Auckland Super City mayoral contender Len Brown in a campaign advertisement is being compared to posters of Barack Obama used during his successful bid for the White House.

Right - the sort of Fox News-style weasel words that I really shouldn't have to expect. Who is doing the comparing? The only 'characters' in the story are the Brown campaign, the Banks campaign and the reporter herself. Let's imagine it as a CSI episode - you know, there are only about three characters in the episode and it has to have been one of them. It's probably not the 'victim', which means that it's either Banks's people or a lazy journalist.

Either way I'm bored and don't care.

Mr Brown's main rival for the super mayoralty, Auckland Mayor John Banks, did not want to comment. However, his campaign strategist, Auckland City councillor Aaron Bhatnagar, described the ad as "bland and nondescript".

"Our campaign's about talking about the issues of the people, not just showing off a big photo."

Quite.

Shock horror

2010-05-27T09:11:00.005+12:00

Wow - it's great to be back! I hope you enjoy the fruits of the massive site redesign that's kept the blog out for a couple of months.

----------------------------------------------

In one of Douglas Adams' Hitchhiker's Guide books - don't ask me which one - Arthur Dent finds himself living on a primitive planet where he becomes renowned as the inventor and finest practitioner of the sandwich. Also on this planet are birds - again, the name escapes me - that are stoic and unruffled in the face of stampeding wildebeest-creatures, but shocked by something as common as the sun rising, or a falling leaf.

The lead story in today's Herald reminded me of these birds:

Shock, you say? Did the building arise overnight? Were the plans for it a secret?

A $218 million prison development towering over the Southern Motorway and casting a shadow across Mt Eden has horrified residents, principals and community leaders.

They are appalled by the project at Mt Eden Prison, and one city councillor believes the new block has grown higher than initial plans indicated it would.

One councillor? Do the others agree? Did anyone actually look at the initial plans, which I assume are in the public domain, and check to see if it has grown higher? Can I write this whole post in rhetorical questions? Perhaps one of the two journalists assigned to this 'breaking' story could have had a look to confirm.

Many of the cells will be above the level of the adjacent motorway.

That is of concern to Mayor John Banks, who last night blasted the new-look jail as a "an architectural monstrosity".

"For people coming into the city, it says: 'Welcome to the aspirational capital of New Zealand, where you jail people ... and it's great'," he said.

"I can only hope that we are not going to see people with their noses pressed against the bars.

Article continues below

"It just should not have happened and I railed against it before it rose from the ground."

Of course, NIMBY-ism about prisons is nothing new. In fact, it's one of the classic mainstays of local politics. Unfortunately for Mayor Banks, the upcoming supercity means that he can't just claim anymore that we should bung a prison in Manukau or Henderson - or even Rodney. Where does he propose we should put them? Oh, I don't know. Maybe we could bury them underground - then we wouldn't have to be offended by seeing people's FACES through the BARS. Christ.
And God forbid that the Auckland Central Remand Prison be located in Auckland Central - you know, near the courts where remand prisoners will be attending. Remand prisoners who might be on their third strike. Under the legislation passed by the National Party two days ago. The National Party in which John Banks used to be a minister.

However, the Corrections Department said last night that windows would be frosted and inmates would not be able to see through them. There would also be "acoustic buffering" to dampen noise created by rowdy prisoners.

Oh good, because I'd hate to be driving in my car along the Southern Motorway and have to hear a rowdy prisoner.

Now here's the best part of the article:

Neighbouring Auckland Grammar is also worried by the development. In a letter to Corrections chief executive Barry Matthews, board of trustees chairman Jeff Blackburn raised three issues over the "scale of the redevelopment" on the site.

These were the security risks posed by a shared boundary fence, the prospect of shade ruining sports fields and the potential for prisoners to look onto the school's grounds and for sound to carry from the new tower.

"It will add a degree of shading which may make the provision of winter sports fields impossible," Mr Blackburn wrote.
[...Councillor Fryer said,] "It is a well-attended school and the fields are really important. And if it's being overshadowed, it means that grass isn't growing properly. They [the fields] become more muddy, and that isn't good for sport."

Disclaimer: I attended Auckland Grammar School, and to this day I receive (unsuccessful) pleas for donations for such worthy causes as a new sports pavilion for one of the most privileged schools in the country. So this part of the article made me chuckle. The shared boundary fence is nothing new, even if the article implies it is; kids would regularly kick or throw balls too hard, and they would end up in the prison. Sometimes they would be thrown back, and we liked to imagine some grizzled con taking pity on us, wry smile on his face as he returned our prized sports equipment.

The next 'issue' is even more cringeworthy: "the potential for prisoners to look onto the school's grounds". Christ on a bike! Prisoners (some of them probably poor too) looking at Auckland Grammar students! Surely they could have faced the windows towards St Peter's instead.

But it's the sports fields that really cap it off. For one thing, it's only one of the three large sports fields at the school. For another - it's sports! It's not as if the students can't learn maths (possibly because they're put off by the noise of rowdy prisoners?). I particularly like Cr Fryer's "well-attended school" euphemism. What do you mean exactly, councillor?

The principal of nearby St Peter's College, Kieran Fouhy, said the prison redevelopment was "a crazy waste of money".

"Philosophically, it seems crazy that you're paying $100,000 a year to fund one prisoner when you could fund 20 rugby teams across the road, you know, or two teachers."

Well now I'm confused. This seems like something of a non sequitur - less a critique of the development and more of our current penal system. Or is the principal just confused? It reminds me of a letter I chopped out of the Herald a while back:

In other news, I've decided that the Herald should only cost about 5c to knock together every day so I don't know why I'm paying more than that.

Speaking of non sequiturs:

Newmarket Business Association chief Cameron Brewer was a lone voice of support for the project. He said the $250 million-plus being spent on upgrading the site "is arguably going to improve the area aesthetically".

"What [the] block rising from the ashes does is clearly remind people travelling through Spaghetti Junction in particular that there is a prison in the neighbourhood."

Well, that's a truly bold 'voice of support', especially from a man whose professional responsibility it is to have a massive hard-on for anything happening in the vicinity of Newmarket. If there's one thing I'm sure potential Newmarket shoppers want, I imagine it's a reminder that there's a prison in the neighbourhood.

What a bizarre article. I don't know what angle I love the most: the 'shock' at a development that's been ongoing for months; the barely-concealed cap-doffing to local elites; the contradictions about the penal system; the confused trailing off at the end of the article, presumably once the two journalists realised the story was complete bollocks.

Oh Herald. How I've missed you.

Up to five percent - or more!

2010-04-23T10:08:00.003+12:00

"Almost half of the 500 firms surveyed say they intend pushing up prices by up to 5 per cent or more..."

Has anyone ever written a less meaningful sentence?

Anyway, some people might think that 11 per cent (the businesses 'planning' to raise prices by 5%+) is "a small number" - but then we have no idea what the ratio of people putting up their prices by 5% and those lowering prices is, because the Herald hasn't bothered to tell us the latter percentage. Meanwhile, later on in the article - entitled, of course, "Shoppers face GST price-rise rort":

Westpac economist Dominick Stephens said small firms could struggle to get away with large price rises on the back of GST changes.

"I would suggest that sort of thing will be very short-lived. Exactly the same sort of competitive pressures and market conditions that have got prices and profit margins to where they are now will prevail after the GST increase," he said.

So nothing to see here then.

'Accident'

2010-04-22T16:05:00.003+12:00

What on earth are they trying to imply?

"Police are looking for two 70-year-old retirees with a bone to pick."

Doncha think?

2010-04-20T10:20:00.002+12:00

On the death of the motorcyclist in the Waikato:

A police officer who made a fatal u-turn in front of a motorcyclist was left so badly shaken by the man's death he could not key in an emergency call on his cellphone, says a witness.

In an ironic twist, the allegedly speeding motorist who the officer was about to pursue when he made the u-turn may have been the motorcyclist's best friend.

The Oxford English Dicitonary defines 'irony' thusly:

2. fig. A condition of affairs or events of a character opposite to what was, or might naturally be, expected; a contradictory outcome of events as if in mockery of the promise and fitness of things. (In F. ironie du sort.)

Let's ignore that fact that, even if this situation were ironic, pointing it out - an "ironic twist"? - in the second sentence of an article about a man's death, as if we were watching an M. Night Shyamalan movie, might be considered a wee bit too wry.

"A condition of affairs or events of a character opposite to what was, or might naturally be, expected". Now we can probably accept that you wouldn't expect that, when a man is killed after a police car sideswipes him during a U-turn, the policeman happened to be about to pursue someone who may have been the victim's best friend. That much is certainly true, in the same way as it's true that one might find it unlikely to meet the man of one's dreams and then, in short order, meet his beautiful wife. But it's hardly the opposite of what was expected, is it?

It's not even "a contradictory outcome of events as if in mockery of the promise and fitness of things". Now, if the policeman had been about to go and rescue the victim's friend from a burning car, that might have been ironic - he's ended up saving one, but harming the other. Unfortunately for the English language he was only about to give the man a speeding ticket.

Kids: DON'T do the funky chicken

2010-03-04T11:25:00.003+13:00

For fans of Chris Morris's legendary series Brass Eye - "Deadly game reaches NZ children":

Education authorities are warning of a deadly choking game that has reached New Zealand.

The fad, which has plagued America and Britain for years, has now made its way to Hawke's Bay playgrounds, Hawke's Bay Today reported.
[...] Campaign group Games Adolescents Shouldn't Play said up to 458 children in the US and 86 in Britain had been killed this way.

It was known by several names including "space monkey" and "funky chicken".

Right. In other news, when will politicians take seriously the epidemic of CAKE?

Meanwhile, headline of the day:

Kinky.

1990: Herald and freedom for Mandela

2010-03-03T11:04:00.002+13:00

Now, I wonder which bits of this page A3 article - "Herald and supplies dropped to rower" - were written by NZPA, and which by the Herald staff reporter?

Transtasman rower Shaun Quincey had drinking water and two copies of the Herald dropped to him yesterday.

Quincey has been 42 days on the water, trying to become the first solo rower to complete the voyage between Australia and New Zealand.

A shortage of drinking water threatened to scupper his bid until Taupo rescue pilot John Funnell came to his rescue.

He flew a fixed wing aircraft on a nine-hour round trip from Taupo with emergency provisions including 38 litres of drinking water, coffee, two Heralds and a toothbrush.

Quincey had been in radio contact with them after the drop and was "delighted with it", said Mr Funnell. "He said to us 'You guys don't know what this means to me."'
[...] He was running dangerously low on water, with only four litres left. He said it was critical for supplies to be dropped to him if he was going to finish the mission.
- NZPA, staff reporter

Yes, it was good timing; he was also running low on toilet paper.

Wait - who's gushing?

2010-03-03T10:43:00.002+13:00

From the front freaking page:

Was it the heat, the heavy uniforms, or the presence of the star?

Maybe it was all of these that left a journalist at the New Zealand Herald light-headed and on the verge of fainting yesterday as the Prime Minister opened a Lower Hutt school's new science and technology block.

It was a hot, muggy morning as John Key was greeted by about 620 school girls and several hacks singing the national anthem.

One overcome reporter was led away to get some water and then seated at the back, away from all the excitement.

Later, as the pupils broke into song again, one of the journalists had to be led to a table at the back for a glass of water.

He was soon joined by two others unable to continue standing.

Mr Key went inside to inspect the building, but later returned to meet and greet the reporters.

"He's such an inspirational role-model," gushed one. "He's so cool," was another star-struck accolade.

For those of you doing your shopping at Shell

2010-03-02T10:58:00.003+13:00

"Service station convenience comes at cost," says the Herald on page A5. An "unscientific survey" has discovered that it's almost certainly cheaper to do your weekly shop at a supermarket rather than a service station.

Convenience or low prices?

That's the choice you have to make when you choose your local service station over the supermarket.

An unscientific survey conducted by the Herald yesterday showed that buying grocery items from the local supermarket could save you about a quarter of your bill.

A purchase of eight items, including milk, bread and toilet paper, revealed savings of $11.13 if customers took the time to go to the supermarket.

Other places that are more expensive than a supermarket:

the local dairy
going door to door offering people cash for the food in their cupboards
Tokyo

On the other hand, it is considerably more difficult to fill up your petrol tank at the supermarket, so it's not just one way.

But Bev Frederikson, who conducts supermarket surveys for Consumer NZ, said service stations were not doing anything to mislead consumers.
[...] The bargaining power of the supermarkets was greater than that of smaller service stations and they could get better deals from suppliers.
Article continues below

Ms Frederikson said the fact that supermarkets were selling a broader range of products in greater volumes than service stations also meant that they could afford to make less profit on each item - in some cases selling "loss leader" items at less than cost to draw people in.

So... no story here then. It's as if a Herald reporter went to a service station, worked out they were paying more than at the supermarket, and decided this was an outrage. By the time someone sat them down and patiently explained that there was nothing interesting about this discovery whatsoever, it was too close to deadline to come up with anything else.

But at least we get to hear from industry types on the social role performed by our duopolistic supermarket chains:

Murray Jordan, general manager retail sales and performance for Foodstuffs Auckland, which owns the New World stores, said supermarket owner-operators were focused on offering customers a "great range of fresh foods and grocery products and a high level of customer service for a good price".

What a nice guy.

The Milli Vanilli of crime

2010-03-01T19:24:00.001+13:00

Oh Millie. Not aother warrant.

Flag Debate III: Flag Debate Goes Bananas

2010-02-26T09:19:00.003+13:00

Courtesy of Joseph:

"I was sceptical, but some of the Herald's suggestions for a new flag are actually surprisingly edgy and out-there..."

Edit: 'Rusty' - incidentally the name of my old dog - suggests number 41 is superior. Here's the link to 41 and the whole gallery so you can make up your own mind.

Graphic violence

2010-02-25T10:56:00.006+13:00

There's a story in the paper today about an Israeli study supposedly showing that smokers have lower IQs than non-smokers. The story's interesting as far as it goes - it probably shouldn't come as a surprise that cigarette marketers aim for the stupid.

But what I found interesting about the article in the Editing-the-Herald-sense was how the Herald decided to turn the Reuters article into a bit of a joke. First, there's the pointless Emmerson cartoon which I won't bother to reproduce here. Secondly, there's a Herald Graphic pointing out some famous smokers and non-smokers, compiled by some wag at the paper:

Right, so I get the joke: Einstein was smart, and he smoked. Meanwhile, Dubya was dumb and he didn't. But the research says dumb people smoke and smart people don't! So there's a very funny inversion going on here. I get that.

But how exactly did the Herald decide which eight examples to cite? Are the famous smokers just famous people who smoked, or people who are famous for smoking? Einstein was certainly famous, but I'm not sure people reminisce along the lines of, "Einstein, yeah, I remember that guy - he smoked like a train." Freud you can possibly get away with - sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. Kate Moss is an odd addition; wasn't the point of the graphic to get smart people who smoked?

How about the other side? Making a list of 'famous non-smokers' seems a bit like making a list of 'famous right-handers': pointless. But let's bear with them. Helen Clark? Is she a notorious straight-edger? I suppose she did bring in the restaurant smoking ban. But then it just gets weird. George Reeves? I dare say that if you have to put what he's 'famous' for in brackets after his name - "(1950s Superman)" - he's not quite famous enough to make the Top Four Famous Non-Smokers. What's more, using the latest online research techniques I discovered the following on his Wikipedia page:

Reeves took his role model status seriously, avoiding cigarettes where children could see him and eventually quitting smoking.

So not really a non-smoker, and more a former smoker - especially seeing he's been dead for fifty years.

Then there's Hitler - well that was original. What should one read into the juxtaposition of Helen Clark with Hitler and - worse - Bush? I'll leave that up to you, the reader.

Anyway, an exercise in pointlessness, and I can't believe - and I'm sure my boss wouldn't either - that I spent so long wondering about it. Or that you bothered to read it.

BUNNY

2010-02-24T09:51:00.003+13:00

Page A3 hosts the next installment in the Herald's series on 'Shit That Happened To Animals'. It's not a dog - sorry 'Rusty' - but, if anything, it's even cuter!

A man will appear in court today charged with animal cruelty after apparently using a lop-eared rabbit to threaten passersby on Auckland's Queen St.

Police say the 53-year-old stole the bunny - which the SPCA has subsequently named Larry - and swung it by its ears at pedestrians, while verbally abusing them.
[...] When officers arrived, the man allegedly tried to hide the rabbit under his shirt. Police had to wrestle the rabbit from him, and the security guard held it as the man was handcuffed.

More details! What colour was the shirt? What wrestling techniques were used? Greco-Roman? How did the guard hold the rabb... er, Larry?

The man then allegedly spat at police.

Oh, who cares about the person involved.

* Anyone with information about the rabbit should call the Auckland downtown police station on 09 379 4500 or Vicki Border at the SPCA on 09 256 7300 x867.

Yes, I'm sure that this is exactly what the police need to be dealing with - animal-crazed lunatics ringing them up with unsubstantiated rumours concerning missing pet rabbits.

Anyway, the good news is that the rabbit seems to be all right.

SPCA inspector Vicki Border said the rabbit was checked by a veterinarian at Mangere headquarters, but appeared to have escaped uninjured.

Article continues below

"He was in a very stressful state. It's very remarkable he's in one piece considering what happened."

Excellent. Now where's my bacon and eggs?

Always look on the bright side

2010-02-23T15:20:00.003+13:00

Anyone up for some schadenfreude?

Well that doesn't sound too bad. Until you keep reading, and find out that lauding this 'improvement' is a little bit like saying that, say, the Black Eyed Peas are improving because each song is only a little more soul-destroying than the last.

APN said that although revenue fell 10 per cent at its publishing business in this country for the entire half, fourth quarter revenues had improved that trend to be down 6 per cent.

So by improving you mean worsening less quickly. Unfortunately, that's the only 'good' news.

Earnings before interest and tax (ebit) for the NZ Publishing division in the six months to December fell 11 per cent from a year earlier to A$36.4 million ($46.7 million). In local currency terms the decline was 9 per cent.

Revenues at NZ Publishing fell 13 per cent to A$164.3m, or 10 per cent for local currency.

At the NZ Radio division ebit fell 22 per cent to A$7.7m, with the local currency drop 20 per cent. Revenue at NZ Radio was down 15 per cent - 12 per cent in local currency - to A$43.4m.
[...] For the full 2009 year, APN reported net profit down 34 per cent from a year earlier to A$94.2m, while underlying revenue fell 14 per cent to A$1.03 billion.

But don't worry:

Hopkins said APN had been able to mitigate the full effects of the global financial crisis through a combination of effective cost management and targeted sales campaigns. Total costs fell A$78m.

For example, you could cut the number of journalists writing business articles:

"The directors have seen an improvement in trading over the fourth quarter and in the early weeks of the New Year that provides confidence that 2010 will be a better year," APN said.

- NZPA

Who would have thought?

2010-02-23T14:16:00.003+13:00

Page A2 of today's paper - "Most Kiwis feeling financially shaken by crisis - survey":

Three in five female New Zealanders and just over half of Kiwi men say the global financial crisis has made them feel financially stressed but most don't plan to change the way they spend or invest, a survey by a financial industry lobby group has found.

[...] Only 8 per cent of those questioned said they were better off since the financial crisis with lower taxes and interest rates, and 41 per cent said they were in the same position.
Article continues below

A further 38 per cent said they felt slightly worse off than a year ago and 12 per cent said they were significantly worse off.
[...] The survey found 23 per cent were still saving nothing from their income while appetite for credit remains high.

Of the 81 per cent holding a credit card, 19 per cent admitted they sometimes pay interest while 26 per cent said they usually end up paying interest on their credit card debt.

Yawn. Perhaps 'Tamsyn Parker' is, like Alan Smithee, a default name. In this case, it's just when a staff reporter has cut and pasted from a survey press release.

Anyway, just to see if you were reading properly:

Three in five female New Zealanders and just over half of Kiwi men say the global financial crisis has made them feel financially stressed but most don't plan to change the way they spend or invest, a survey by a financial industry lobby group has found.
[...] Two-thirds of female respondents and 55 per cent of male respondents to the survey said they were feeling financially stressed.

Three in five, two thirds... same thing, right?

Meanwhile, tagged on at the very end of the article:

Dr Fahy said New Zealand's ageing population meant the current superannuation entitlement age would become unsustainable and the rising cost of superannuation and healthcare meant people should no longer rely on taxes paid during their lifetime to fund superannuation or free healthcare.

Don't worry, status quo. I'm pretty sure I'm the only person who made it that far.

The Biggest Loser: Dog Edition

2010-02-22T09:49:00.003+13:00

At the top of today's Page A3:

Editor 1: "We can only run one dog story today. Do we go with the dog mauling the woman and child, or the dog that... lost weight?"

Editor 2: "Or no dog stories at..."

Editor 1: "You're fired."

"He loves fruits - especially blueberries," Mr Chin said. "But he also loves the odd cheeseburger ... but only for a treat."

He's a dog, and he'll eat his own faeces if you don't stop him.

Conegate

2010-02-15T09:50:00.005+13:00

Amazing column by the notorious Deborah Hill-Cone today. Most of us have written something late at night, sent it off, and re-read it the next day, hungover, only to feel that shudder of awful realisation: it's awful, and quite possibly laden with racial and sexist epithets. Then again, most of us don't get that piece published in a national newspaper.

But isn't the best part of Conegate, as I've dubbed it - Danyl from the Dim-Post having mobilised at 5.30am to deal with the offending piece - that she's an opinion columnist, and therefore the most ridiculous and unnecessary species of expert extant? Or does it just make her one monolithic vox pop?

Answers on the back of a postcard.

PS My second favourite part is how the end of the column reads like a promo for The Secret.

16 minutes of fame

2010-02-08T09:16:00.002+13:00

For anyone who is extremely bored at work, propping up the 7.3% unemployment rate or 'studying' on my taxpayer dime: you may wish to waste 16 minutes listening to bFM's José Barbosa and myself whine about the flag 'debate', Alison Mau's new 'lady-love' and Kerre Woodham's Twitter nightmare. (The recording is here.)

I can't imagine why, though.

Accentuating the positive

2010-02-05T09:45:00.005+13:00

Sports 'stars' on changing the flag, the Herald's sudden and inexplicable hobby horse. If you can't see properly, the green box says "Change", the black "Undecided" and the red "No Change".

~~More on this flag business after I've had a cup of tea.~~

Turns out I was too 'busy', but if you want some compelling reasons not to change the flag, then have a look at this Herald design collection.

The Chinese are coming!

2010-02-04T11:17:00.001+13:00

The last Herald cartoonist got fired for insulting Israel.

Party on, Garth 2010

2010-02-04T10:08:00.002+13:00

Ready for some philosophy?:

There are three things I acknowledge, and accept that they exist, but which I have never been able, for the life of me, to get my head around. They have always remained far beyond my understanding, no matter how much I ponder them or how old I get.

The first is child abuse, paedophilia and cruelty to domestic animals; the second is male homosexuality; and the third is vegetarianism.

Firstly, Garth, let me say that I'm glad that you've come to the realisation that, say, homosexuality and vegetarianism exist; although, as a vegetarian, or something approaching one - mmm, scallops - I'm slightly vexed to see myself mentioned in the same context as a paedophile.

I have written often about child abuse and paedophilia, have touched on male homosexuality but find it expedient these days simply to ignore such an infinitesimal minority, and every time I encounter a vegan or vegetarian (I'm told there's a difference) I simply shake my head in wonder.

Let's give him some credit. He has managed to distinguish between paedophiles and homosexuals, which is more than we might have expected. I like his explanation for not "touching" more often on male homosexuality, homosexuals being a far more "infinitesimal minority" than pedophiles. I suspect that the lack of writing on homosexuals has less to do with their minority status and more to do with the fact that the editor sat him down and told him that it was the twenty-first century, and he wasn't allowed to do it anymore because advertisers would complain. As for the vegan/vegetarian distinction, that's just the sort of quality, Google-led research I've come to expect from Garth.

As someone pointed out to me, the combination of an allegedly strong disgust toward animal cruelty and a complete dismissal of vegetarianism might be considered paradoxical, or worse - albeit not uncommon. In fairness, however, he does specify that he opposes "cruelty to domestic animals", neatly resolving the paradox and leaving him free to punch cows and kick chickens to his heart's content.

That leaves cruelty to domestic animals, examples of which laid before us in the media from time to time, are enough to turn my stomach.
[...] The cruelties which sicken me are those perpetrated, invariably by males, which torture defenceless domestic animals, inflicting on them fathomless fear and excruciating agony.

I love how again he has gone to the trouble of specifying "domestic" animals. Meanwhile, torturing defenceless farm animals - or, I don't know, circus animals - inflicting on them fathomless fear and excruciating agony, is fine, as it leads eventually to pies.

Other than that, he's right, of course: I can't comprehend domestic animal cruelty either. It seems to me that it's almost completely a mental health issue, and that locking someone up in prison for five years isn't exactly the best way to solve the problem, although it does seem like that's the 'Kiwi way' these days. But I digress.

Garth talks about this for a while, before taking an... interesting diversion:

I can no more understand why anyone would torture and slaughter a Jack Russell terrier that I can understand anyone doing so to a Cavalier King Charles spaniel, an exceptional example of which has been part of our family for the past five years.

Okay... what?

Almost all my life there has been a cat in the house. I have always liked cats. They are independent creatures, content to look after themselves and as long as you feed them they will do their own thing.

The incumbent, a chocolate and cream long-haired Birman, has been with us for nearly 12 years. She is beginning to show her age but remains mistress of the household, particularly where the dog is concerned.

Archie - for, being of royal Scottish descent, that is his name - learned early not to mess with Madam - and a right little madam she was, too - and only later discovered she liked to tear round the house playing hide and seek, but only ever on her terms.

For years I resisted my wife's entreaties to get a dog, fearing the physical and emotional commitment it would entail. But I gave in and all I can say after five years is that the experience has been hugely enriching.

How marvellous it is to have pets in the house, little creatures which never talk back or argue with you and which are enormously loyal, trusting, guileless and affectionate.

Well that was weird... but then I suppose we've all talked to an elderly relative and had the same experience of conversation suddenly veering off course. Then again, most senile old folk don't have columns in the country's leading daily newspaper, a column which has swung from righteous rage at animal abuse to advice on getting a dog.

Next week: vegetarian paedophiles.

HEADXXX

2010-02-02T13:27:00.007+13:00

Thanks to James W for pointing out the goldmine that was Monday's Herald. I hadn't read it, as I was rocking out.

Let's start with the front page article "Climate change: another gaffe":

First - yeah, it's bad science, and the people involved should feel rather ashamed of themselves. But it's still rather questionable that a relatively minor 'gaffe' is front-page news when it's one paper out of thousands written on climate change. It's a bit like claiming I'm lazy because I didn't blog one month out of twelve.

But more importantly, the last paragraph above discusses "a feature article published in a popular climbing magazine which was based on anecdotal evidence from mountaineers about the changes they were witnessing on the mountainsides around them."

Oh, you mean like this article?

When I was undertaking research as curator for the displays at the Department of Conservation's Aoraki/Mount Cook Visitor Centre, I came across a Timaru Herald clipping from the mid-1930s.

The chief guide at Mount Cook, Vic Williams, was reported as being concerned about the warming that was taking place. He had seen significant changes in the glaciers since he first went to Mount Cook, at the end of World War I.

Article continues below

Half a century ago, when I started climbing and writing about mountains, I soon came across photographic evidence of what had happened to the Mount Cook glaciers since the first photographs were taken in the 1860s.

Et cetera, et cetera. I trust the Herald will be doing a full recall and replacement of all eyes that have seen that piece.

But it gets better. If, for some reason, you're still reading Monday's article and reach the bottom of the page, you'll be invited to turn to Page 3, at which point you'll be greeted by this:

Yes, that made it into the printed newspaper; it sounds more like a URL than a headline.

Looking back at page A2, we're in for more fun - wholesome, family-oriented, church-approved fun, that is - with "Rain fails to dampen Parachute festivities". Here is a selection of quotes for your consideration:

Some of the 25,000 people attending the Parachute festival, more than 17,000 of them camping in tents alongside the Waikato River at Hamilton's Mystery Creek, packed up and headed home early last night.
"We're going to travel home overnight instead of staying another night," said Tom Goodger of Waipukurau, who brought his whole family to the festival.
Swiss visitors Pauline Reymond, 21, and Yvonne Liechti, 19, were desperately trying to light a gas cooker in a big open tent when the Herald visited. "All our clothes are wet, all our cooking stuff is wet," Ms Reymond said. "It's very funny. I don't know what we will do tonight." [Knowing the legendary Swiss sense of humour, 'funny' was probably a mistranslation of 'arse'.]
[...] Cameron Pratt, 19, had holes in the bottom of his tent and slept last night in his car. It was Mr Pratt's fifth year at Parachute, but he wondered whether he should have come. "For the amount of money we paid for the tickets, we could have just driven on a massive road trip to a beach somewhere," he said.

Rain definitely failed to dampen the Parachute festivities then.

Anyway, maybe after all that you just want to wind down with some hard-hitting political analysis:

Next week's exposé: "PM reveals 'Key' to catching the big fish".

Letter of the day

2010-02-02T12:31:00.002+13:00

And you wonder why I stopped blogging:

Things are still up in the air at the moment. I would like to keep doing this, however, and I have had enough feedback along the lines of 'get back and fucking blog' to provide some sort of encouragement. So... fingers crossed.

Laneway Festival

2010-02-02T10:09:00.005+13:00

I had a dream last night that Warren Ellis was feeding me Hungarian bread puffs.

This is relevant, of course, because the Herald didn't even mention Dirty Three.

The problem with writing an article by committee is that different people care for different things. Hence the contrasting descriptions of Daniel Johnston's set in the same article by "the Herald Entertainment Team" - all two of them.

Online edition:

Print edition:

Anyway, hi everybody.

"Well done separatists, you've got your way!"

2009-12-16T15:27:00.006+13:00

If you're anything like me, you saw the front page story on the decision to fly the Maori flag (look, no ironic quote marks!), thought "That's good," turned the page, and became engrossed in news of Tiger Woods' latest mistress.

People on Your Views, however, are nothing like you and me.

"Should the Tino Rangatiratanga f lag be used on Waitangi Day?"

For balance you would probably need the New Zealand First flag up there too.

He died in World War One and Two? That's commitment. Now, to find the part in the story where it said anything about changing the flag...

You mean you didn't see the notices about the hui up in the marae? Surely you heard the kaumatua talking about it? Oh.

And yes - as a pakeha I feel very offended that I didn't get a choice regarding a Maori flag. But I'm used to it; so far no other nations whatsoever have so much as asked me what I thought of their new flags.

Apartheid was truly terrible. The way that white South Africans made the government display their own flag next to the national flag in public places on one day of the year truly makes the blood boil.

Who needs racism by stealth when you can just blurt it out in a public forum?

Ian of Kerikeri writes:

Dear Ian,

I've considered your proposition, and have come up with the following solution.

Kind regards,
The Head Maori

I agree with you, pCb - NOT!

"I'm sick to death of hearing all this racism towards Maori. I want to hear some racism aimed at the Chinese!"

It's a column, Jim, but not as we know it

2009-12-11T12:15:00.001+13:00

The great thing about online publications is that, whenever you discover a new blog or opinion column that you like, there is usually an archive, and you can - hypothetically, of course - spend the whole day at work reading over past posts and columns.

When, for the first time, I read Jim Hopkins' column last fortnight - and what a load of feverish bollocks it was - my opinion of him changed significantly. I had thought of him previously as just slightly embarrassing, like the awkward uncle you only see at Christmas - the one who can't resist making groan-worthy puns and telling tortuous jokes. At least he's not boring, you think, but you still don't want to be seated next to him at dinner. Actually reading his column and finding that the cause of all this merriment is the worst, least-scientific kind of climate change denial is a bit like the scene in Father Ted where Ted stumbles upon Father Fitzpatrick's collection of Nazi memorabilia.

As usual, the conflict between my repulsion and... whatever emotion it is that makes you want to stare at a car crash... was won by the latter. A simple search for "Jim Hopkins" on the Herald site brings forth a smorgasbord of literary delights. For instance, his previous column was a bizarre rant about Hone Harawira:

You're a fomo, Hone; a foul mouth.

Not a white fomo or a black fomo, though you say you are both. But you're just a fomo, Ho. A bog standard, dime a dozen, no colour, no class, swaggering shock jock fomo.

???

But let's get back to the present. He obviously felt he was onto a winner last week, as he's writing almost exactly the same thing: the climate email 'scandal' means that climate change isn't happening. Presumably, if I told Mr Hopkins that the sky is blue because of the high concentration of smurfs in the troposphere, he would conclude from the falsity of my statement that the sky is not, in fact, blue. Except, unlike a normal person, he would compose a poem about it.

Christmas spirit yet to register in sales, say worried retailers - News Item.

The cheque book's on idle, it seems, the credit card on hold. We're spooked by the recession, and more besides. We'd rather keep the money, honey, than have a Wii fling. (Why didn't Tiger think of that?).

Groan.

Someone should explain to our melancholy merchants that people don't spend when they're gloomy. And, boy, are we gloomy. The till's not ringing 'cos the heart's not singing. And the heart's not singing 'cos there's sod all to sing about, sunshine!

We can't even sing about that anymore without some sobbing celeb sanctimoaniously banging on about our bloody carbon footprint.

Memo to Mr Tindall and chums: It's hard to get a tingle in our Jingle Bells when there's a colossally wasteful, doom-on-steroids loath-in happening in Denmark. And tough to get the goodwill going with 30,000 and four hoarse men of the apocalypse screaming "Repent! Repent! The End is Nigh! Last chance to save the planet" at their taxpayer-funded religious rally in wonderful, wonderful Copenhagen.

Yeah, the alleged drop in consumer spending has everything to do with global warming 'propaganda' and nothing to do with the economic recession and high unemployment. But now I guess it looks to the editors like you've written about something new, rather than the exact same thing you crapped on about last fortnight.

That's why we're not shopping, Mr T. Because we're numb with despair. Because we feel hopeless, bludgeoned by shonky science and dodgy data into a state of abject grovelment - ashamed of our sinful selves and terrified our delicate little planet is going to hell in a (very hot) handcart.

It isn't and it won't. She's a tough old Mother, Earth. She's endured many truly enormous indignities - the cosmic collision that created our moon, the enormous asteroid that did for the dinosaurs, a rent in the land in Siberia that leaked lava, like blood from a wound, for one million years.

I think the point you missed here, Jim, is that the asteroid "did for the dinosaurs". I'm not certain that most people are primarily concerned with the survival of the planet per se. Unlike the planet, species living on it have an unfortunate tendency to die out during massive ecological crises.

Though you do have to wonder what prompted these apocalyptics to unleash their millennial hysteria in the middle of our busiest retail season when people should be buying things and maintaining jobs. But if their deeply depressing opening video is any guide, those in Copenhagen would rather have children clinging grimly to trees than finding presents under them. Which makes it hard for retailers to eliminate the negative and accentuate the positive. But they must if we are to unlimber our purses.

Yeah, why now? You would think that the planet would have the decency to stop heating during the festive season. I haven't actually seen anything telling anyone not to spend money because of global warming, other than maybe not buying a fleet of Humvees this Christmas. Next we'll be hearing that religious unrest in Pakistan is being orchestrated by Al Gore. Or that the cricket against Pakistan is somehow involved. Oh, hang on.

Perhaps the Black Caps can help with a win in Napier. Unlikely though, unless the ICC makes underarm bowling compulsory. We sank without trace at the Basin. Against a team who couldn't catch Osama bin Laden if he was edged off a gentle full toss. Seriously, Pakistan dropped more than Tiger Woods' standards.

Seriously!

'Tis odd how everyone's in a tizz about his cheating but no one seems to care about scientists doing exactly the same in relation to a matter of much greater importance. Tiger's fictions affect his family, those fabricated in East Anglia and elsewhere affect all of us.

"No one seems to care" - no one, that is, but just about every single article that has been in the paper about the Copenhagen conference, not to mention at least three opinion columns in the New Zealand Herald. But now, like a distracted puppy, he's off on another topic:

Alas, as is so often the case, the more trivial a matter is, the more rapt our attention and prurient our interest. Which may well explain why, at the end of a very hard year, the extinguished poet laureate, Sir Jam Hipkins (honour pending) has forsaken his muse and embraced a more venal mistress, joining the burgeoning ranks of news readers, porn stars, nightclub hostesses and lonely hearts who have teed off, so to speak, with Mr Woods.

[Excruciating "poem" begins - you'll have to brave the link yourself, sorry.]

So that's climate change fakery, the spending downturn, Tiger Woods' infidelity and the cricket.

Interestingly, the article sharing the opinion page with Hopkins is "Deniers don't have a rapidly melting glacier to stand on" - perhaps a headline that Hopkins could have improved. But at least that means that the Herald's coverage is fair and balanced, right?

'Party on, Garth' enters the digital age!

2009-12-11T11:21:00.005+13:00

I wasn't going to bother writing about Garth George's latest column. I've got to the point, just about, where the urge to expose Herald-related awfulness is overwhelmed by feelings of futility and misanthropy, and visions flash before my eyes of bearded madmen shrieking wildly as they charge into battle, scimitar aloft.

But then I discovered a new feature on Garth's online column: comments!

The article itself is reasonably unremarkable, going with the standard 'Christians are repressed' meme that he does so well.

A flash of anger ... then sadness ... then perplexity over why anybody would choose to produce a scurrilous - nay, blasphemous - so-called comedy [some play called 'Christ Almighty'] about the central characters in the biblical Christian story.

[...] We Christians - well, most of us anyway - can certainly laugh at ourselves, because we don't take ourselves too seriously.
We do, however, take our faith seriously, and while we rarely have issues with irreverence, many of us find downright pornographic profanity deeply offensive and, for some, profoundly hurtful.

Oh dear. Garth's upset at a play that I'm pretty sure he hasn't seen.

Simei-Barton's review makes another good point: that if such blasphemies were aimed at the Prophet of Islam the consequences would be dire.

How about, instead of portraying Joseph as perhaps having an improper relationship with his donkey, "some virgin who claims she's been knocked up by God" and a cross-dressing angel, the writers could have chosen to make a farce out of Muhammad and his harem and his prurient interest in his camel.

Is anyone else as sick of this argument as me? Oh, we're so grateful that you don't threaten us with violence! It's like a politician getting a knighthood, or a dog getting a treat for not pooping on the carpet - not threatening violence is the default option, and you don't get praise for it. Sorry.

As someone who finds all religions/metaphysical philosophies equally ridiculous - don't get me started on Buddhism - I can say that, while Muslims might have cornered the market on violent outrage at blasphemy, Christians are still tops when it comes to self-righteous moaning.

The thing I find most disturbing about this latest denigration of Christianity is that tens of thousands of New Zealanders will be deeply hurt by it - again, since it's only the latest of several.

[...] No one seems to be concerned that the salacious slurs cast upon these revered historical figures might bring real distress to thousands of believers, reduce many to tears and drive others to their knees in lamentation and to beseech God to forgive the perpetrators.

Laying it on thick today, Garth. He doesn't seem concerned that if he hadn't written about it "tens of thousands of New Zealanders" would never have heard of this play, and would be happily tucking in to tea and scones without having to worry about Joseph buggering a donkey.

But, I suppose, it's not surprising. Jesus himself warned his original disciples that they and their faith would often be ridiculed, and we modern disciples can expect the same. However, on the bright side, we Christians can be grateful that, unlike those early followers, we are not persecuted in this country - yet.

Yeah... but you had a good run, didn't you? I mean, 1500 years at the top of the charts! You got a lot of persecuting done, but every party has to come to an end. And it could be worse - gays may be roaming the streets, but at least they can't get married - yet.

Fittingly, he finishes off by ~~plagiarising~~ borrowing the words of the Magnificat, apparently penned by the Virgin Mary herself.

He has filled the hungry with good things, And the rich He has sent away empty.

Sounds about right.

Anyway, the most exciting discovery was the comments!

First!

It's spelt 'prophet'.

I think you're in the wrong forum.

ANYWAY. I hope everyone is as excited by this development as I am.

Headline of the day

2009-12-10T09:49:00.003+13:00

Not more news about this interminable saga...

"Tiger buckles to animal instincts"

EDIT: They've changed the headline... that's odd!

The Golden Garths

2009-12-09T12:04:00.003+13:00

It's that time of year - the time of year when we cease doing any real work, and start reminiscing about the past twelve months. Depressing, isn't it.

On that note, I would like to introduce the First Annual Editing The Herald Awards for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Journalism, and I hereby call for nominations - nominations that may well result in nothing less than the awarding of cynical and pedantic media criticism's highest honour, the Golden Garth - in the following categories:

Worst Opinion Columnist: It's going to be difficult to budge the man himself from this award but, if anyone can do it, it's almost anyone else writing opinion columns for the New Zealand Herald.

Most Egregious Example of Advertising Masquerading as News: A Herald favourite, be it a press release dressed up as news, or just an unprompted gushing about a major advertiser.

Biggest Media Beat-up: Once the Herald has tasted blood, there's no limit to how many times they'll ring up Bos McCoskrie and find out what he thinks. Hone Harawira is a racist, AND didn't wear a motorcycle helmet? AND he went to Auckland Grammar?

Worst Article: The big one. It's the 'Best Picture' of the Golden Garths, and there's a lot to choose from.

This is where I need you. Send in your nominations, either by leaving comments or by email. If there's an important category you think I've missed, suggest it. Once the nominations are in, the EtH editorial board will convene, locked in a sealed chamber until the decisions have been made.

This is your chance to participate in real democracy, which I'm told doesn't really exist anymore now the Dancing with the Stars has been canned. We've fought wars for this, and a lot less. Don't forfeit your birthright - submit your nominations now.

Hedging their bets

2009-12-04T15:00:00.004+13:00

Are they sure they're speaking with a man?

UPDATE:

Well that cleared things up.

Please don't read this article

2009-12-04T09:47:00.003+13:00

"Weatherston's account of killing Sophie Elliott too gruesome"

From the page A3 article on TVNZ's censure for overly graphic coverage of the Weatherston trial:

TVNZ has been reprimanded for failing to run warnings before the 6pm news when it screened graphic evidence during the Sophie Elliott murder trial.

[...] Shona Thompson complained to TVNZ over its coverage of the trial, when footage was aired showing Ms Elliott's former Otago University tutor and boyfriend Clayton Weatherston giving evidence on July 13.

Next paragraph:

The footage showed Weatherston describing what happened when he stabbed 22-year-old Ms Elliott 216 times and mutilated her body in January last year. Weatherston said: "The most vivid recall I have next is of standing or kneeling over her with a pair of scissors in my right hand, and um, the scissors had gone through the front of her throat and I can feel a crunching sound, like it's against her spine."

Broadcasting Standards Authority > Press Council.

Listen to the transport professionals

2009-12-03T12:41:00.002+13:00

From the Herald's front-page story on plans to build a new harbour crossing in Auckland:

But yesterday's developments have given new hope to promoters of an "Anzac Bridge" across the harbour on a similar alignment to the tunnels route, making it at least one and a half times longer than the existing bridge.

A group led by former Auckland City Council member Richard Simpson and including companies such as Jasmax and NZ Steel wants construction to start by 2015 to commemorate the centenary of Anzac Day.

Yes, that seems like an excellent basis for sound long-term transport planning.

Stranger in a strange land

2009-12-03T11:44:00.003+13:00

I don't really want to write about Tiger Woods, and I hope that you don't really want to read about him. But in the context of what I wrote the other day about what happens when sportspeople do everyday things - blow their nose, open a bank account, cheat on their wife - I thought I would point out for your perusal today's article on Woods by the Herald's Chris Rattue. It's fascinating to skim-read, in that it's a piece of sportswriting - full of clichés, tortuous extended metaphor and matey nudge-nudge-wink-winks, that is - but about something that is important, at least to two of the people involved.

It was difficult to know exactly how Woods would react in the immediate aftermath of his mis-drive, but certainly no surprise that he retreated behind the walls while throwing a dart over the top containing his vague statement.

Ugh.

Left hand, meet right hand

2009-12-03T10:13:00.003+13:00

Now, I'm not trying to say that all the people writing in the same newspaper have to interpret things in the same way. I'm certainly not saying that everyone has to agree on every single aspect of everything. But I going to say that I find it a bit odd when the writer(s) of the editorial don't seem to have read their own newspaper.

It's not even that unusual. The editorial is usually, although not always, a reasonably sober reflection on the issues that are at the same time being manically screamed about on the front pages and the website. What interested me today about this was reading the Herald's two musings on the Maori Party's dealing with Hone Harawira, the party having announced that Harawira would be staying on. Let's just say that they took a rather divergent view of the outcome.

John Armstrong, "Political Commentator of the Year", wrote a piece entitled, "Maori Party flouting fundamental law of politics", where he argued that the Maori Party "made a complete hash of" the situation. The editorial, meanwhile, is headlined, "Party gets full marks for Harawira test" and claims that the party has "handled this affair well".

Armstrong:

Put that down to inexperience, a lack of established procedures for maintaining discipline, plus being a small party constantly distracted by other priorities - points made by co-leader Pita Sharples. However, he also insisted the party had handled the Harawira problem "our way". The question is whether in choosing "our way", the Maori Party can flout a fundamental law of politics, namely that disunity both personnel-wise and policy-wise is death.

Editorial:

Yesterday, he issued his third apology and this time it was unequivocal. In the way of these things it seemed more abject than the offence warranted but this incident was about more than meets the eye. It has been a test of the Maori Party's status as a competent, respectable and effective participant in national politics. It may even prove to be the last gasp of mindless antagonism.

Of course, political predictions are a chump's game. Much like short-term weather forecasting, the best 'prediction' strategy is usually to claim that tomorrow's political situation (and weather) will be much the same as today's; you miss all the turning points, but at least you right more often than not, just like I was right about it being overcast in Auckland today. What, to me, that means is that how this series of Hone-Harawira-related events will affect the future of the Maori Party, the current parliament, and NZ politics in general is pretty inscrutable, and I don't think there's any more reason to accept Armstrong's account, or the editorial's, than there is to believe the one scrawled on the toilet cubicle wall.

Presumably, however, that's not going to be the position of the Herald editorial board, employers as they are of a collection of political experts whose job it is to interpret political events. So I do find it odd that, in writing 'their' editorial, 'they' haven't really bothered to find out what their leading political 'expert' thinks of the issue. Maybe they have, of course, and I'm not going to call a side that I think is 'correct', but it's odd to see two positions in the same paper that are less 'divergent', and more 'completely opposite'.

My Mistake

2009-12-02T09:55:00.004+13:00

Normally I have far, far better things to do - but last night I watched 3 News. It's a mistake I shan't be repeating any time soon. Here are just some of the wonderful things I learned.

1 ) The lead item was about the rapid melting of ice in the Himalayas. "Oh, this is all right," I thought. It did feature Mike McRoberts standing at a screen, rather than sitting at a desk (possibly due to haemorroids). He then pushes 'buttons' on the screen, although I'm almost certain that either no buttons exist or the producers just decided to have buttons to make it look more... interactive?

Anyway, eventually we got to the item itself. It appears the ice in the Himalayas is melting at an unprecedented rate, leading to worries in some quarters that the rivers that water South and East Asia, the most populous region on Earth, will start to diminish. The interesting thing about the piece was that there was almost zero analysis. Why is the ice melting so quickly? Shrug. What could be the consequences if it keeps going like this? Who cares; what's Tiger Woods doing?

2) The next piece was a live cross to a reporter in Australia - you know the one, the woman who is always incredibly overdressed, as if she is covering a state dinner but is actually standing outside a factory reporting on a chemical spill. Remarkably, it wasn't even a news item with a live cross in it; it was a live cross with news items in it. She talked for a bit about the Liberal Party leadership elections, and told us who won, but again really gave no analysis as to what that meant. She then talked about other, less interesting things happening in Australia - all the while with Mike "It's All About the News" McRoberts standing there, itching to push the button.

3) And in American news... there was a 'piece' that literally lasted seven seconds on Obama's plans to send 30,000 more troops to Afghanistan - apparently something is going on there - before a neat segue into the latest on Tiger Woods.

4) Best of all, and leading the 3 News promos, was a really interesting story from Dunedin. It seems that there was a Guinness World Record in the offing! That classic world record, that is, for the most scrambled eggs cooked at once, a record for which humanity has strived since the discovery of the egg. Oh, did we mention it was being done for McDonalds? To advertise their switch, in 19 South Island stores, to 'free range' eggs? They cooked a free breakfast - I trust the sausages were made from free range pork - for people in Dunedin's central city, which worked nicely because it got them some free advertising on the national news. If you don't watch the clip, at least follow the link and see the still of McRoberts, now happily ensconced at his desk, next to those famous golden arches.

5) Lead story on Campbell Live: an exclusive interview with the mother locked in the closet by her infant. A few weeks ago I had a dream that I was sitting in the back seat of a car with John Campbell. I remember asking him why it was that, when he is - or was - obviously a competent journalist, his show was so awful. All I remember after that is him getting really angry and physically assaulting me. So yeah... if you see him around town, maybe don't bring that up.

-------------------------------------

On another note, here's an update from today's paper - page A3 - on the apparent epidemic of infants locking insufferable middle-class mothers in closets. Warning: the headline is quite funny but it's all downhill from there.

In the case of another mischievous youngster, Clare of Glendowie was busy sorting her 2-year-old son's wardrobe when he closed the door behind her.
[...] "I asked my little one to try and open his bedroom door, but he said he couldn't get out of bed because of the sharks in the sea (his bed is his boat)."
Article continues below

[...] About half an hour later her partner thought he heard something and came to check on the pair.

"My partner thought that I had fallen asleep with our son in his bed. Aren't they just lovely!"

APN Holdings also publishes the New Zealand Woman's Weekly. I think that, in the business world, this is what they call 'a synergy'.

Nanny state

2009-12-01T08:22:00.001+13:00

From today's front page:

"Playful Harry pushes the closet door shut and starts a nightmare in the dark for his mother"

The worst thing is that, under current law, he has to be tried as a juvenile.

Crash of the Tiger

2009-11-30T10:54:00.005+13:00

There is a pretty strict division in the news media between 'actual' news and sports news. They need to be in different sections of the paper, in a way that doesn't apply to news about, say, politics and news about education. Television news needs a different person to read off the autocue about rugby than it does to read about healthcare. Unfortunately for this clean division, sometimes 'sportspeople' - that is, people whose only interesting characteristic is that they are good at sport - do things that don't involve sports: Jesse Ryder gets drunk; an NRL team ~~gangrapes~~ has group sex with a teenage girl; Jonah Lomu runs for Prime Minister. And this poses a problem: where to put the story? Sometimes it's clearly a puff piece, or some advertising, and it doesn't matter too much. Sometimes it is actually important, and the whole thing is handled quite poorly. My favourite example was when TV3's sports anchor, a serious man of much gravitas, reported on allegations of sexual assault against a rugby league player, and then segued into the next item with an excited, "But that affair won't be affecting his team going into their big clash this Saturday..."

I bring this all up because on the front page of today's paper - right below the surprising news that Don Brash's review panel has declared that to catch up to Australia we need to punch the poor in the groin - is this article:

That's Tiger Woods, golfer. Let me précis the story for you: he crashed his car and is now fine.

Of course, that's not the whole 'story'. In fact, the bulk of the article is made up of prurient gossip on the love life of a man who can hit a small ball with a stick.

Hollywood entertainment website tmz.com reported Woods argued with his wife, Swedish model Elin Nordegren, about tabloid allegations he had been having an affair, and that she then chased after his car.

A broadsheet newspaper citing a "Hollywood entertainment website" - as opposed to a Hollywood science website - on the front page... I believe this is in Revelation as one of the seven signs of the Apocalypse.

The downmarket National Enquirer reported last week that Woods had been having an affair with party events organiser Rachel Uchitel, a story that could have caused tension in the Woods family home.

The National Enquirer! The National Enquirer. I think even 'Dobbo' is going to be shaking his head at this one.

EDIT: Here's the story on the front page of the Herald website:

In the same vein, I also deny I am having an affair with a New York club hostess. On the contrary, the boiling point of water is 100 degrees celsius.

It's Garth, Jim, but not as we know it

2009-11-30T09:00:00.002+13:00

You probably don't need me to tell you that there's been a wee bit of climate change denial - sorry, disagreement - in the Herald recently, mostly centred on the person of Garth George. I've written enough about his views on the climate, but I really had thought that we could ring-fence the issue, preferably by literally putting a fence around him.

Unfortunately, the virus has spread to a place you may never have suspected. I've never understood the point of Jim Hopkins; he's the 'funny man' of the opinion page, but I personally find his writing so interminably self-indulgent - and not in an interesting and droll Steve Braunias way - that, until now, I had never managed to read one of his columns end-to-end. But he's wacky! He goes where serious commentators can't, using the tool of satire to throw the high-and-mighty from their perch! He writes satirical poetry and puts it in his column! And he wears red glasses!

Crazy. Here goes Fridays column, entitled "Dodgy science gets us all off the hook":

We've seen two examples of monetary muckiness recently. In one case, already touched upon, an author embellished his text with words that weren't his own - a hanging offence for students writing a thesis but not, apparently, so grim for those who teach them.

The other concerns a gaggle of Newton's heirs, scientific geezers beavering away, recording data, analysing statistics and reporting only what is provable and true.

Except these crooks haven't. They've cooked the books. They've lied.

They've falsified the facts to induce needless panic and alarum in the bosoms of the groundlings. Along the way, they've blackened the reputations of others who challenged their conclusions, whilst earning for themselves great renown and large amounts of dosh.

When did this happen? Hopkins regales us with examples: the Piltdown Man was a hoax! Of course, the 'discovery' of the Piltdown Man was 'made' by an self-styled 'amateur archaeologist', and before too long actual scientists had shown it to be a fake. Moving on...

But these egregious boffins have done more than remind us that the purest of research is prone to the corruptions of ambition and income. What they've done is wilfully attempt to influence public opinion - and political outcomes - around the world.

For these data-bodgers weren't investigating the mating habits of the Lesser Crested Gobsnot. No, they were climate scientists. Or, more precisely, pseudo-scientists, twisting the truth to produce results which they and their employers desired.

As some playwright said, "ay, there's the rub". I like to think I'm a reasonably skeptical person, but that has limits. It's one thing to say that the structure of modern science institutions - Nobel prizes, Royal Societies, publications in Nature - might alter incentives to a point. It's another thing to say that a vast conspiracy of nearly every climate scientist in the world is trying to destroy the planet, with the result that Jim Hopkins has to turn his lights out when he leaves the room. But here he goes:

What's been revealed, although without enthusiasm by our credulous media, is that an influential cabal of researchers in England and America colluded to mislead us yobbos, perhaps so we'd more readily accept draconian measures like flatulent ETSs and the flying of kaumatua to Copenhagen. [Ah, throw some casual racism in there, excellent.]

A single email, one of many leaked by hackers and reprinted in the Guardian last weekend, proves the point: "I've just completed Mike's Nature [the science journal] trick of adding in the real temps to each series for the last 20 years (ie from 1981 onwards) and from 1961 for Keith's to hide the decline."

"Mike's trick?" "Adding in?" "Hide the decline?" Such words warrant only the opprobrium of their author's peers. But no whistles were blown on this gravy train. Instead, these co-conspirators acted as warm-mongers, shouting "Fire" in the scientific theatre although they knew there was no blaze.

This has all been dealt with by far more qualified people on the internet and elsewhere already, but let's look at these three shameful phrases with a more charitable eye:

"trick": The art, knack, or faculty of doing something skilfully or successfully. (OED)
"adding in [the real temps]": "Would you mind adding in the flour to the cake mix?"
"hide the decline": Maybe, you know, it's an apparent decline - like hiding a mirage.

Even if, of course, this email does flag an egregious violation of scientific ethics and procedure, you would think that it would discredit the scientists involved, and perhaps make us a little more skeptical of the science in general. But that's not enough for Jim Hopkins:

This is wonderful news, folks. Truly, it is!! As Madoff was to money, these cons are to climate. They've given sackcloth and ashes such a bad name no one will want to wear it.

Because we now know all this hand- wringing, finger-pointing, cringing, wimpish, guilt-inducing "We're to blame and it's killing the planet" palaver, embraced as a new religion by countless control-freaks, wowsers and old, bewildered hippies is based on totally dodgy data.

It's bollocks!! The "facts" are a crock!! Whoopee!!! Send those pseuds a huge bunch of flowers and a note saying, "Thanks for letting us off the hook."

See, the interesting part of this is that he is so over the top that, even at this stage of the article, I couldn't tell whether he was going to get to the end and say, "But anyway folks, this is all a ridiculous non-controversy that I have skewered with my pointed wit See you next week."He couldn't possibly be trying to argue that these emails mean that climate change isn't happening. Could he?

Because we are. You may not believe it yet - and certainly most journalists won't. "Where there's muck, there's money," definitely applies in their industry. It feeds on the apocalyptic. And global warming was the KFC of disasters, a cataclysm so yummy no scribe could resist it.

Especially since the usual suspects; big business, Uncle Sam, globalisation, flash motor cars, fast food - all things most journalists instinctively dislike and wish to demonise - were allegedly the root of the evil.
[...] So it will take the scribes some time to overcome their addiction. "It won't happen overnight," as Witi would have it, "but it will happen". And when it does, look out, for the wrath of the writers will be swift and savage. No one suffers the slings and arrows of outrageous reporting more intensely than a fallen angel.

What does that even mean? Just because you wear red glasses doesn't mean you don't have to make any sense. In a sense, Hopkins is worse than Garth George. At least the latter doesn't dress his rubbish up in purple prose - he's just a man who tells it like it is, or at least like it was in the 1950s. You don't have to untangle metaphor after turgid metaphor to work out that he's not keen on male homosexuality.

Lucky then he's only published every fortnight.

They must be taking the piss

2009-11-24T11:28:00.002+13:00

After that weekend, I'm taking a break from thinking about the Herald for a couple of days. Feel free to email me anything truly astoundingly bad, and I'll write something up from my wireless-broadband-capable Fijian beach hut.

So what did you do yesterday?

2009-11-22T19:06:00.005+13:00

I went to a protest. Cheers to Kieran Whelan - here are his amazing photos of the march on Flickr - for one or two of the pics.

This handsome man has a point.

This sign ended up in a lot of photos.

Yeah, I think that decision has been taken. This clown, riding in front of the march on a tiny motorcycle, really summed up the march for me.

"DISCUSTING IGNORANCE"

MP John Boscawen (bottom right) faces the full force of satire. The gent on the left told Prime News that he was calling for a referendum of Carly Binding, but stuff.co.nz still reported this:

Some of the more unusual placards included 'Bring Back Dancing with the Stars' and one calling for a referendum on former TrueBliss singer Carly Binding.

More piss-poor journalism from the MSM.

Random man in the crowd to me: "There are a lot of intelligent people here today, you know."

I'm sure they just needed a good smack.

Thanks for clearing up this vexed semantic issue.

Just FYI.

The reporting on the protest was quite interesting. TV3's report seemed to take it all rather seriously, while One News managed to call it what it was - a bizarre mishmash of various interest groups with no more coherent overall position than feeling that history is passing them by. The One News clip has the added bonus of briefly featuring me.

Once José sorts out the link, I'll put up our discussion of the march from the bFM Sunday Breakfast this morning.

Overall, just about the best day ever.

100,000

2009-11-22T13:04:00.002+13:00

On January 19, 2009, I must have been rather bored. It was the day that I decided that, rather than just complaining orally about what was in the newspaper, I would put it down in writing:

Auckland, brought to you by Sir Edmund Hillary: Of course, this isn't strictly news but, for some unknown reason, bored people have been writing in to the Letters page with their wonderful suggestions as to how to further honour the most-honoured New Zealander: rename One Tree Hill 'Mt Hillary; rename the airport 'Sir Edmund Hillary International Airport', presumably to commemorate his legendary love of flying; or how about renaming Auckland 'Hillary City'. Hillary fucking City!
The worst part is not, of course, that the man had more honours than any NZer since Ernest Rutherford (a point made recently by Helen Clark - you could almost hear the sigh in her voice while reading her quote), but that he actually said he didn't want any of this. He was fundamentally a humble man who wanted his memorial to be a continuation of his charitable work, rather than wasting money on a statue. So, NZ Herald, for the love of God, enough with the letters!

A couple of weeks later, when I added a visitor counter to the site, I was astonished to find more than twenty people had visited in a day. Back then it was almost entirely my friends - now I have no idea what sort of weirdos and perverts are reading this blog. What I do know is that yesterday Editing the Herald got its 100,000th "unique visit", whatever that means, and it seems like some sort of milestone.

Before I get too self-indulgent, I wanted to thank everyone who comes and reads the blog, who comments on the posts, and who emails me encouragement, abuse or material. A special shout-out to my mystery fan in Bahrain - 111 visits! - and all those who end up here after googling "gay wankers" or "cannibalism 2009".

Now, I'm sure I have something better to write about...

Q.E.D.

2009-11-20T14:57:00.004+13:00

Sorry, I couldn't resist. It's like Your Views - but I'm already signed up!

"REPEAL SECTION 51"

2009-11-20T11:21:00.009+13:00

Today's front page describes the conviction of a woman for beating her ten-year-old son with a hose; she now faces 15 months in prison. Whether sending her to prison, rather than some other sort of punishment, is a good idea either for the taxpayer or for the family is one question, but what is for certain is this: her lawyer couldn't use the defence that she had used reasonable force to discipline her children. Why not? Oh, because section 59 removed that defence! Perhaps it might not have come off - she is from South Auckland so she probably couldn't afford a fancy lawyer - but you can bet they would have tried.

Not that the Herald makes any mention of that.

Meanwhile, on page A2 there is a hilarious turn of events which actually makes me love the Herald. Embedded in an article entitled, "Boycott march, kids' advocate urges", is a small table:

"Demanding the right to hit?", I thought? That's going to piss them off, given how fine a line the organisers have been treading. They have taken pains to give the impression that the march is about democracy, rather than about hitting kids - presumably in the full knowledge that people won't march for abstract concepts, and most of them will be there (probably dragging their kids along) to endorse physical discipline.

As busy as I am, I've taken some time to troll the Facebook group for the March for Democracy. In fact, I was honoured to see some of my own words up there!

Thanks Stephen - AKA WITI IHIMAERA.

But I digress. This morning sees this post from one Glyn McLean:

The heading on the box at the end of the story containing details of the march in my original copy was simply "March for Democracy". It was changed by a subeditor to, "Demanding the right to hit."

This confirms two things:

The Herald does, in fact, employ subeditors at least once a week.
Sometimes those subeditors are awesome.

Anyway, if Glyn is outraged by poor journalism at the Herald, I have just the site for him.

Tomorrow is shaping up to be quite the event. The MetService is predicting a balmy 22 degrees, fine spells with cloudy breaks. Apparently, the march will be followed by a concert 'outside the Town Hall', whatever that means - Aotea Square is almost entirely taken up with construction works. There'll be, I don't know, balloons and clowns and racists. Do come, and bring a hilarious sign or banner to win... a mystery prize: YOUR photo on Editing the Herald.

The march supposedly starts at 1.30pm tomorrow (Saturday) from the corner of Queen St and Fort St. And remember:

If a binding referendum told you to do it, you'd have to come.

Party on, Garth

2009-11-19T11:17:00.002+13:00

Perhaps Garth is reading Editing the Herald after all. In today's column he tries it out on the Weekend Herald. Of course, it's more reading the paper and then moaning out society going down the tubes.

It takes me anything up to three hours to read the Weekend Herald - quite rightly named New Zealand's best newspaper - but half an hour into it on Saturday I began to wonder just how long we can keep going before our intractable social problems overwhelm us completely.

By the time I reached the end of the Review section, I was tempted to give thanks that I'm as old as I am and might well be gone from this world before they reach that stage.

Well at least there's something we can agree on. The view that things are just continually getting worse isn't a new one, of course. Almost every human society, until the 'invention' of Whig history, has looked back with rose-tinted spectacles on a lost past: the ancient Greeks had their Golden Age; the Judeo-Christian tradition has, of course the Garden of Eden; and Garth George has... I don't know, the 1950s? But he's clearly wrong - we all have iPods now.

It started on page one with news that drug rings are recruiting students at some of our top schools to receive drug parcels from overseas.

And while we know that illegal drugs are just as popular in the wealthier suburbs as they are in the mean gangland streets of the poorer, this indicates a rather large step up in the distribution of these murderous products.

Sure, the police and Customs do their damnedest to stem the flow of illegal substances into this country, but they're obviously fighting a losing battle, and the pot and the P and the coke and the horse still flow like a river.

It doesn't seem to occur to anyone that if there were no customers there would be no demand and that maybe we're looking at this problem from the wrong end.

"...the horse still flow[s] like a river."

Anyway, a brilliant idea to focus on reducing demand instead of only focusing on supply. We could start by criminalising possession of drugs for personal use, and then we could launch some sort of public awareness campaign to show people the damage that drugs can do. Why has no one thought of this before?

Let's fast-forward: rampant child abuse; justice system in disarray; "thieving millionaire shysters"; "mirage of easy wealth"... oh, look, Hone Harawira.

And on page five we come to the Harawira affair, probably the most sinister of all the things that should be giving us the heebie-jeebies.

Yes, it's far worse than child abuse.

Hone Harawira was born angry, from the womb of an angry woman. And what his latest outburst reveals is that there is among many Maori an abiding and malevolent antipathy towards Pakeha, which is far more widespread than we're prepared to acknowledge, and which no amount of monetary and land compensation, special treatment and political cuddle-ups is going to change.

To make matters worse, there is a corresponding bitter antagonism to Maori on the part of many Pakeha, who deeply resent the money, land and special treatment given to Maori and whose anger grows exponentially with every new concession. This, too, is far more widespread than most people care to admit.

Oh, he's fair and balanced, right? Because Maori hate Pakeha and Pakeha hate Maori! Except that "many" Maori have "an abiding and malevolent [!] antipathy towards Pakeha", whereas Pakeha merely "resent the money, land and special treatment given to Maori". That's why there was no racism toward Maori before the Waitangi Tribunal was founded, right? I just love the idea that "no amount of monetary and land compensation, special treatment and political cuddle-ups" will change the irrational hatred of Maori for Pakeha; maybe some policies that actually move Maori from the top of every single negative social indicator will make them see some sense.

You can hardly blame Harawira, who after all was "born from the womb of an angry woman", for getting a bit upset.

And don't tell me I exaggerate: I have a finely tuned intuition and live in a city where at least a third of the population is Maori.

In fact, some of his best friends are Maori.

Yet we continue with a policy of separatism - you might even call it apartheid - the latest example of which is Tariana Turia's Whanau Ora scheme to give Maori sole control of their community services.

You might even call it "Nazism". You might even call it "Auschwitz" or "necrophilia" or "Clayton Weatherston". It was only yesterday, after all, that I tried to use a water fountain only to be told that it was "Maori only". And, for God's sake, can you blame Maori for wanting control of their own social services after the shite job that 'Pakeha' services have done? Honestly, how can you write a column that spends half its time bitching about what a poor job social services are doing, and then complain when someone wants to try something different? I'll give you a clue: it's one word, and it begins with 'R'.

But nine out of 10 of us don't want to know. That's not new. Thousands of years ago God said through the prophet Isaiah: "Hearing you will hear, and shall not understand; and seeing you will see, and not perceive; for the hearts of this people have grown dull. Their ears are hard of hearing, and their eyes they have closed, lest they should see with their eyes and hear with their ears, lest they should understand with their hearts and turn, so that I should heal them."

But those of us who do hear and see and understand might take some comfort from the words God spoke to King Solomon: "If my people, who are called by my name, shall humble themselves, and pray, and seek my face, and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin, and will heal their land."

Fat chance, but the offer is still open.

As Monty Python used to say: Oh, what a giveaway.

Can't think of a Witi title

2009-11-18T11:33:00.003+13:00

If you pan down the front page from the photo of hippopotamuses attacking a crocodile, you find a story about Witi Ihimaera, the veteran literary author, winning a $50,000 award from the Arts Foundation for his contribution to the arts in New Zealand. Except the article isn't really about that at all. "Ihimaera wins $50,000 arts prize," says the headline, "despite plagiarism row." I wasn't really aware there was a "row" about it at all, but let's see what the article has to say about the prize - an award not only made to Ihimaera, one of New Zealand's most critically and commercially successful authors, but to "carver Lyonel Grant, musicians Chris Knox and Richard Nunns and photographer Anne Noble".

Author Witi Ihimaera was last night presented with a prestigious arts award and a $50,000 prize - a week after he was caught up in a plagiarism row.

The writer of Whale Rider was embarrassed by revelations that his latest novel, The Trowenna Sea, contains passages by other authors without attribution.

He apologised for the oversight, which he said amounted to less than 0.4 per cent of what had been published, and promised any future editions of the book would include proper acknowledgments.

Right. You seem to have stopped talking about the award whatsoever. You realise that you've already published a bunch of articles on this amazing find, right? What is interesting about this particular article is that almost every paragraph feels the need to stick the knife in by mentioning or alluding to the 'controversy'. It's reasonably long, but let's look through it:

Despite the controversy, he has been named a laureate by the Arts Foundation. The honour comes with a cheque for $50,000.

Carver Lyonel Grant, musicians Chris Knox and Richard Nunns and photographer Anne Noble were also named laureates at last night's awards ceremony at the ASB Showgrounds in Greenlane.

Ihimaera made no specific mention of the scandal, but in as [sic, facepalm] speech that lasted about 10 minutes alluded to the furore.

Article continues below

"I would rather be someone else this week. Any of you are welcome to be Witi Ihimaera."

Yesterday, Arts Foundation executive director Simon Bowden defended the selection of Ihimaera so soon after the controversy.

"The award itself is for a lifetime of work and is an investment in someone's future ... He's an extraordinary artist."

Mr Bowden accepted the plagiarism was a "serious matter" but said Ihimaera was trying to make things right "as much as he can".

Ihimaera had told the foundation of the plagiarism claim before it became public and it did generate discussion among the selectors.

However, Mr Bowden said those things weren't enough to change their minds because Ihimaera was an artist whose writing had been enjoyed by generations. Though Mr Bowden had had only positive reaction from those he had spoken to about the issue, he accepted there could be some adverse feedback from the arts community. He believed most would congratulate the Arts Foundation on carrying on with the award.

Ihimaera said he hoped the plagiarism issue wouldn't overshadow the award.

"I take the long view ... that every author goes through a controversy at one part of their career. I do believe my entire career models the best ethical behaviour that is required of all artists in New Zealand."

He was grateful for the support he'd received from the foundation which would help him move past the controversy. He apologised again to those he failed to acknowledge, which was "inadvertent and regretful".

He planned to use the $50,000 prize to support himself while he wrote more historical novels - including a follow-up to The Trowenna Sea and another novel set in New York. He is retiring from his position as a professor at Auckland University next year.

Ihimaera said he had been unsure if he should accept the award because he didn't think he was good enough, but was "honoured and humbled" by it.

Anyone would think that the New Zealand Herald didn't regularly plagiarise press releases from, say, the BNZ or TVNZ. Like I said, this article was on the front page, but another similar, but more bitter, article didn't make the print edition and can be found online: "Exposed plagiarist [!] Witi Ihimaera given $50,000 award". Sorry Witi, you're no longer an author; you're an exposed plagiarist.

Prominent New Zealand author Witi Ihimaera has been named an Arts Foundation laureate and will receive a no-strings-attached $50,000 to spend as he pleases.

Jesus. "No-strings-attached"? "To spend as he pleases"? Unconscionable! You mean he doesn't even have to promise not to plagiarise anymore? And to add insult to injury, he doesn't even have to spend the money on subscriptions to APN publications? APN publications, that is, such as the Listener, a magazine that used to be an interesting and progressive read but is now almost entirely dedicated to stories about house prices and where to send your kids to school. (St Cuths or Dio? Oh dear.) Funnily enough, it's also the magazine which 'broke' the news of Ihimaera's borrowing of small passages without attribution. I wonder if that has anything to do with the fact that not only is the award criticised in a front page article, but also in today's editorial - "Top award for Ihimaera is embarrassing":

The Arts Foundation of New Zealand has created an embarrassment with one of its five "laureate" awards last night. Doubtless the decision to make one of the $50,000 awards to writer Witi Ihimaera was made long before his latest novel was found to include at least 16 unattributed passages that appear to be substantially the work of others.

Doubtless, too, the selection panel operates at arm's length from the foundation set up to assist and promote cultural achievement of the highest quality in this country. But in the week since a reviewer's concerns were reported by the New Zealand Listener, somebody at the foundation should have intervened.
[...] Those who put him in this position have questions to answer. The selection panel consisted of Elizabeth Ellis, Jenny Harper, Derek Lardelli and two writers, Bill Manhire and Grant Smithies. Did they read the book? Did they miss the stylistic oddities that alerted the Listener's Jolisa Gracewood? Do they think her revelations unimportant?

Oh, did we mention that it was discovered by Jolisa Gracewood? From the Listener? The amazing thing is, despite this award being such an "embarrassment", the Herald have seemingly failed to find a single figure from the New Zealand arts world to quote from who will say they are embarrassed by it. Anyone? It's almost as if... no one else cares.

Plagiarism isn't cool. As a former pseudo-academic (aka student) myself, I worked long and hard to produce my own material and blah blah blah. But it's not like he plagiarised a whole book, and it's not like the award has anything to do with the work in question. So get over it.

I was thinking last week how lucky Rodney Hide was that Hone Harawira magnificently exploded into the news. Now I can't help but think how lucky Harawira is that Witi Ihimaera won $50,000. It's all just a giant merry-go-round - or, if you prefer, a tag-team wrestling match where the wrestlers are constantly tagging in and out, all avoiding that final, match-ending hold that they may or may not deserve.

Beast from the depths, Vol. 4

2009-11-18T08:49:00.004+13:00

First it was the shark. Then it was a whale. Third was the killer jellyfish menacing Japanese fisherman. Today, fourth in the Herald's front page series on 'When Underwater Beasts Go Bad':

They really need to fix that crocodile problem in Western Springs Park.

EDIT: Some clever anonymous commentator pointed out that the Guardian is running a series of these photos on their site. Firstly, if the Guardian put a photo of a crocodile on the front page unrealted to any story, that would be rubbish - I'm not sure why anyone thinks I would deny that. Unfortunately, I have neither the time nor the inclination to 'edit' every newspaper in the world.

Incidentally, here's the front page of the most recent Guardian:

The man in the photo, in case you're unaware, is David Cameron, the leader of the Conservative Party. You may notice the actual article accompanying the shot.

(Not a crocodile.)

A quality newspaper on quality TV

2009-11-17T15:08:00.003+13:00

I hate to pick on the same journalist twice in one day but... I'm sorry, I don't know how to finish that sentence.

Today's page A3 has an article about TV One's acquisition of a new season of shows which differ considerably from what we might expect - a collection of trashy, derivative-sounding America sitcoms and awful local reality TV series. The reporter does a really good, honest job of questioning whether this is the right choice for the network to make, given its strong reputation for quality programming and its main demographic, let alone its responsibilities to the TVNZ charter.

The new shows seem aimed at a younger demographic, which seems to leave TV One's older viewers, accustomed to high-quality British drama, out in the cold. It is also questionable whether local copies of overseas shows such as The Apprentice and Masterchef satisfy the demand for serious, quality local programming. Media commentators have questioned the purchase of series such as The Vampire Diaries, which seems to largely ride on the current popularity of Twilight and True Blood.

TVNZ general manager of programming Jane Wilson would not comment on whether these shows met the expectations and responsibilities of New Zealand's oldest television station.

And then I woke up, and it was all a dream.

What the actual article says, of course, is quite different:

It is seen as the more serious terrestrial television channel but TV One is about to be sexed up with a series about a well-endowed man.

Hung is a drama charting the life of a cash-strapped high-school teacher who resorts to prostitution after his house burns down.

It is one of a number of new shows in TVNZ's 2010 schedule.

General manager of programming Jane Wilson said the comedy drama "pushes the boundaries" - something the broadcaster was hoping to achieve with TV One.

"We want to be a little bit edgier and a little less safe."

Cool. All of which, of course, could have been - and probably was - copied verbatim from a TVNZ press release. It then gives helpful synopses of some of the great shows coming to primetime on TVNZ's mainstream channels:

Cougar Town: An American sitcom starring former Friends star Courtney Cox, who plays a recently divorced mother entering a dating scene filled with younger men.

[...] FlashForward: An American science fiction series starring Joseph Fiennes. Based around a future where a mysterious event makes everyone in the world black out. As people gain consciousness, the world starts changing because people know their future.

Shows not coming to primetime on TVNZ's mainstream channels:

Anything that seriously discusses politics, culture or the media.

Sorry, Close Up doesn't count :(

Good golly(wog)!

2009-11-17T12:26:00.005+13:00

Nice critical journalism on page A6 regarding an outstanding issue of the day - provision of ~~golliwogs~~ dolls that are definitely not related to golliwogs in some awful bourgeois gift shop - "Golly dolls no different to Barbies, says store director":

A retail chain is making no apologies for selling "Golly" dolls which many people believe have racist connotations.

A full display of the Australian-designed Golly range is on show at Acquisitions St Lukes - ranging in price from $79.99 to $149.99.

Surprise surprise, Australian-designed. Well, I don't know where people are getting this idea that it is racist. I mean, it looks like a golliwog, but apart from that...

But Richard Thomson, general manager of Acquisitions, does not believe the store's dolls are offensive.

"We don't sell Golliwogs, we sell Gollys," he said. "The reason we're very careful about calling them Golly and not Golliwog is because we realise that 'wog' is an offensive term and we wouldn't want to be associated with the use of it."

Ah. I see what you've done here. They're not golliwogs at all. They're "Golly's". They're probably named that because the inventor said "Golly, that's a great idea for a doll" when he or she came up with it. Any resemblance in name or appearance to any other doll, racist or not, is entirely unintentional - like in that Law & Order episode where the famous and eccentric fictional singer dies after complications with fictional drugs prescribed by his fictional doctor.

So I would hate to break in here and claim that it's not actually the word 'wog' that offends people about golliwogs. It's the concept, and therefore the word, of the golliwog. But you wouldn't want to be associated with that.

He said the dolls had been on sale for about a month and had proved popular in the 10 stores around the country.

Article continues below

"They're selling exceptionally well."

Always a good test. "Is it racist?" "I dunno." "Is it popular?" "Yes." "Well it can't be racist then." "How are they selling in our Christchurch store?" "Great!"

Asked if the company had considered that some people might find them offensive, Mr Thomson said: "We recognise that's always a possibility but our view is that these are caricatures in the same way as Barbie or any other doll is.

Barbie does truly represent the horrors of the centuries-long exploitation and deprecation of tall, skinny, blonde women.

"It's very difficult to please everyone and what we do is we say: 'Look, this is our style and we sell a huge range of products and people will pick and choose the items that they like or don't like and that's absolutely as it should be."

For example, when I walk into Acquisitions St Lukes I turn my nose up at the racist doll section and proceed directly to the area festooned with Nazi memorabilia.

Anyway, it's interesting how a stupid story about a rubbish shop selling what really is a terrible piece of overpriced awfulness becomes essentially an ad for said shop, simply because the reporter involved can't manage to ask some critical questions that ought to make up Lecture Two of Journalism 101:

"If it's not a golliwog, why is it called a Golly?"
"Do you think that the use of Golliwog imagery in the context of colonialism has anything to do with the taboo attached to the figure?"
"You do realise that you sound like an idiot, don't you?"

March against democracy

2009-11-16T14:15:00.003+13:00

Sir Winston Churchill, whose bust had pride of place in George W. Bush's Oval Office, famously said this about democracy:

Many forms of Government have been tried and will be tried in this world of sin and woe. No one pretends that democracy is perfect or all-wise. Indeed, it has been said that democracy is the worst form of government except all those other forms that have been tried from time to time.

Of course, Churchill also said "'Keep England White' is a good slogan," got hammered every night, never got up before midday and was keen on gassing Arab villages, so perhaps we should take his ideas with a grain of salt. Nonetheless, in this instance I think he was more or less right: as flawed as democracy is, the other options are all worse. And I say this as a person who has read a lot of Your Views.

As always, there's a qualification. The ancient Greeks supposedly recognised three 'pure' forms of government: monarchy, aristocracy, and democracy. They also recognised that, without vigilance, all three could easily be corrupted - monarchy could become autocracy, aristocracy could turn into oligarchy, and democracy could become anarchy. Back in the old days anarchy didn't (just) mean throwing a brick through a McDonald's shopfront; there was no leader, but also no leadership structure, and decisions would be made based on the passions of the populace (except the women and slaves, of course).

In other words, it would be kind of like a world of binding referenda:

Organisers of past referenda ignored by governments have lent their weight to Saturday's march over the anti-smacking referendum, billed as "the biggest march in New Zealand's history".

Well of course they are upset if they think they've been ignored, but the reality is totally different. The governments didn't ignore their referenda; they looked at them, read them, considered them and, in full possession of the facts, decided they were ridiculous.

Also, I think you'll find that it was not an anti-smacking referendum - it was a pro-smacking referendum. Just thought I would clear that up.

Organisers from past referendums - including Garth McVicar who led the referendum on Law and order, Margaret Robertson who campaigned for 99 MPs and the organiser of the last anti-smacking referendum Sheryl Savill - appeared at a media conference this morning.

March organiser Colin Craig called past referendum organisers "true New Zealand heroes".

How can Garth McVicar claim that his referendum was ignored? If it's the one I vaguely remember about tougher sentences for violent offenders, then he must surely be delighted with the results - our prisons are literally overflowing with people!

Mr Craig said he hoped the march would focus attention on past referenda that have been ignored by governments going back to the 1990s.

"I think the people will win out."

I wouldn't be so sure. The Destiny march got more than 10,000 people chanting 'Enough is Enough', yet immorality is still rampant: topless prostitutes wander the streets, and homosexuals openly fornicate with single mothers in parks and town squares. Writing a passionate comment on Your Views is one thing; getting up on a Saturday morning and marching up Queen St to defend 'democracy' is quite another.

Yet that is exactly what I am suggesting you - we - do. Democracy's greatest heroes, from Thomas Jefferson to Tony Blair, appeared to me in a dream and showed me a glorious vision: a vision of sensible people, people like you and me, joining the march and showing it to be ridiculous. I am inviting you to come to the march! (You may already be going, in which case this is a bit awkward.)

At the moment it's a bit difficult to tell what the emphasis of the march is: mob rule or hitting children. The organisers are emphasising the former, but in a country where most people's closest experience with democracy is voting for Dancing with the Stars I can't see many people getting out of bed for that. Surely almost all the opposition today to the s59 amendment is simply petulance - petulance that would, ironically, normally see a child smacked.

Given that police on site will probably frown on people marching with pitchforks and flaming torches, we may have to do with banners. Should none of the banners from the March for Democracy website suit, here are a few suggestions:

Do what the mob says!
Down with Auntie Helen!
Start talking smack!
Nannies have no place in raising our children!
Down with this sort of thing!

Let your imaginations run wild. Anyway, I anticipate a fun and unusual day out, and would encourage you to find some like-minded people, tell them to come along, and then beat them until they agree. I'll post more details this week, but the details of the March itself are:

1.30pm, Saturday 21 November (this Saturday)
Corner of Fort St and Queen St in the Auckland CBD
That's just outside the QF Tavern, which would be a good place for a pre-march beer.

Teh New Zelaand Herlad

2009-11-16T11:58:00.004+13:00

First, there's this - cheers to one who cannot be named for a lovely juxtaposition of death and life insurance:

I thought this might be a nice way to segue into the general point I wanted to make. I've had quite a few emails over the past few days with spelling or grammar errors from either the print edition or the website, peaking, of course, with the misspelling of 'Barak' Obama's name in a political article on page A2 late last week - a mistake that is still on the website as of writing. The fact that such a blatant mistake could get past the journalist, his subeditor and whatever proof-readers theoretically work at the newspaper is quite depressing, even if it is 'just a typo'.

Sure, everyone knows what John Armstrong means by 'Barak Obama' but, to me, that isn't the point. If I want to read spelling mistakes, I'll read a blog. Newspaper owners and editors keep saying that one of the things that sets newspapers apart from blogs is professionalism. Despite the urgings of some, I haven't been doing any quantitative analysis of things going on in the Herald over the year, but anecdotally it seems to me that such errors have become considerably more frequent over the past year. To me, it is carelessness, and once you start getting careless about things like spelling then why not get careless about news?

Anyway, I'm not going to keep banging on about these 'minor' errors on the blog, unless they're particularly hilarious. I just thought I would put the view out there that I don't think they're totally innocuous.

Methampheta-ma-mine

2009-11-13T18:26:00.001+13:00

Thanks to Andrew for this after-hours tip:

Clearly they didn't catch it all.

A depressing end to the week

2009-11-13T16:44:00.002+13:00

Just a quick note for those who are finishing the week on a high - perhaps you've been given a raise, have learned of a colleague's pregnancy, or have become engaged. If this is you, then definitely do NOT click on this link. This one right here. For it leads to a Your Views 'debate' about IMMIGINTS : they're here, they're queer, they're stealing all our jobs (or are they?).

"Should NZ offer refuge to 78 Sri Lankan asylum seekers?" (Go on, guess what YV contributors think about that.)

Doggone (Hamilton): Absolutely not to the Sri Lanken refugees, we can't afford them. Time to stop taking in all the riff raff that just go on to our benefit system. It would be interesting to know of the refugees we have taken in over the past 10 years, how many are on benefits, how many have bothered to learn our language, how many have had extended family members arrive under reunification of families, how many clog up our health system etc. Sorry but time to look after our own for once and for all. Thank god St Helen of the Pacific is not our PM or we would get the whole boatload and then some.

And, Doggone, if someone did give you the information about "the refugees we have taken in over the past 10 years, how many are on benefits, how many have bothered to learn our language, how many have had extended family members arrive under reunification of families, how many clog up our health system", and you found out that actually none of those things were borne out by the evidence, would that change your view?

I suspect not. I suspect that, like with 'Intelligent Design Theory', you'd just come up with some other bollocks rationale. The paradox of WW2-era anti-Semitism was that Jews were portrayed as both rampaging capitalists and snivelling, traitorous socialists. The paradox of anti-immigration rants is that immigrants both come and steal our jobs and bludge off the welfare state.

Kiwi overseas (Brunei Darussalam): When I lived in NZ I was naive and would have said "let them all in". Now I say "why should they be allowed to jump the queue", "why should NZ be so gullible', etc. These are economic migrants who are playing cleverly on our sympathetic and unworldly natures. Take a very hard line both with so-called refugees and also with all immigration.

...says the New Zealander living in Brunei. As for preying on "our sympathetic and unworldly natures", I don't think there's much danger of that on YV.

So yeah... don't read any of that. Have a nice weekend.

He's only the most famous person in the world

2009-11-13T12:00:00.003+13:00

Oh, look at what you've done - you've gone and spoiled your fancy Samuel Beckett allusion by misspelling the name of the President of the United States. Maybe it would be easier if we just went back to calling him 'Barry'.

From further on in the article:

Obamamania is starting to grip Singapore, with one restaurant putting an "Obama burger" on its menu and the Straits Times newspaper running a stack of stories with Obama-related headlines.

Just like every other newspaper in the world, then. Let's casually flick through to today's world section:

The Rt. Hon. Mr Thompson

2009-11-12T14:58:00.004+13:00

"The name's Thompson - Mr Thompson."

Editing the Herald poll

2009-11-12T10:59:00.004+13:00

As most of you will no doubt be aware, last week saw the sad, albeit hopefully temporary, end of the online Herald poll, after an army of online cybercriminals, probably learning their tactics from violent video games, made polls come out approximately 50%-50%, instead of the 96%-4% result they were designed to achieve.

I think that made us all a little sad, but I have good news - the first Editing the Herald poll! ~~Every day~~ ~~every week~~ whenever I can be bothered, you, the reader, will be able to express your opinion... in poll form! It's democracy in action.

Today's question is:

Which story ~~would~~ did you most like to see on page A3 of the New Zealand Herald?

A report on a daring cheese theft?
An article about the estranged, adopted daughter of a washed-up former celebrity?

I realise that this may be a tough decision, so here's a cheat sheet.

"Cheese burglars take the biscuit" *chuckle*

Two people have been arrested and charged with burglary after allegedly hauling several boxes of cheese off a train and into their vehicle.

[...] A rail worker passing by at around 7am spotted the pair running back and forth across a rail line, loading boxes into a car near Halcombe - about 30km northwest of Palmerston North.

As he approached, they sped off in the car before throwing boxes of cheese out of the window at him, trying to get him off their tails.

Sounds exciting. But then there's:

"Police drop charges against Millie Elder"

A smiling Millie Elder left court today after police dropped three serious drug charges against her.

The estranged daughter of broadcaster Paul Holmes was facing charges including possession of methamphetamine - also known as P, two charges of possessing ecstasy (class B) and one charge of receiving stolen property.

It doesn't look like she's smiling to me. Anyway, it's good to see that the Herald is giving an appropriate amount of attention to the struggles of a clearly troubled young woman, and giving her the support she clearly needs by putting photos of her in the paper. But in one sense it's worrying: if the newspaper business model folds, and quality journalism goes with it, who will bring these stories to the public's attention? How will democracy function, how will society function if... oh, sorry, I seem to have drooled on my keyboard.

Anyway, I don't actually know how to put a poll on here so you're all just going to have to imagine it.

Dear Hone

2009-11-11T14:47:00.004+13:00

Q: What do the following, all from today's paper, have in common?

A front page story
Two articles, by two different journalists, on page A2
No less than seven letters in the "Readers' Forum"
Brian Rudman's weekly opinion column

A: They're all about New Zealand's latest penitent, Hone Harawira.

Haven't we got anything better to talk about? The front page story, "Pressure still on leaders over Hone", begins:

Hone Harawira's apology has done little to relieve pressure on the Maori Party leadership to take a strong stance against him when it meets the MP for the first time tomorrow.

Really? Where's this pressure coming from? Harawira, a man apparently very popular among Maori, is the electorate MP for Te Tai Tokerau. The Maori Party itself is voted for, as I understand it, almost entirely by Maori. So is this pressure coming from Maori? Not according to this article; it seems to be coming from John Key and, worse, Phil Goff - the man who, a year into his job, still lags behind Helen Clark in preferred PM ratings.

However, Mr Harawira's apology left Prime Minister John Key and Labour leader Phil Goff underwhelmed.

Mr Goff said it was "phoney" and it was time for the Maori Party leadership and the Prime Minister to take the matter more seriously.

Mr Key said it was an "apology of sorts" but he would leave New Zealanders to decide on its merits.

Article continues below

"I think everybody's getting a bit sick of the Hone Harawira sideshow."

He usually ignored Mr Harawira's outbursts, he said, but had found this one offensive. However, it was not up to him to discipline the MP.

Oh yes, I'm sure you were extremely offended. People who make it to the highest levels of politics, via a process not unlike Tim Robbins in the Shawshank Redemption crawling through hundreds of metres of shit, are well-known for being thin-skinned enough to be offended by a combination of blue language and what more-or-less amounts to an NCEA history class in a nutshell.

Mr Goff dismissed Mr Harawira's comments as "silly" but said it was time the Maori Party and Mr Key showed they were taking the matter seriously. "He has still not apologised for ripping off the taxpayer - in fact he's bragging about it - and nor has he apologised for making obscene and racist remarks. I don't think somebody that behaves in that way and shows no contrition for it has any place in Parliament at all."

It's time to show they're "taking the matter seriously"? Or what - you won't vote for them? As for the last sentence, I think you'll find there are only two major criteria for having "any place in Parliament at all": being on the Electoral Roll, and being voted in, in this case by the people of Te Tai Tokerau. Perhaps Mr Goff harks back to a more civilised, more Victorian age where MPs were gentlemen who doffed their hats to each other and said "please", "thank you" and "pip-pip, tally-ho", rather than "white motherfuckers". Good thing he's the leader of the Labour Party.

Moving on, the page 2 article "A sorry, sorry, sorry state of affairs" rather smugly looks at Harawira's 'apology' at the University of Auckland marae:

But don't give an inch for calls to apologise to Phil Goff who he'd called a "bastard" earlier and who he reckoned should be lined up and shot with the rest of the Labour Party for passage of the Foreshore and Seabed law.

"I think it's important to realise that while I'm prepared to acknowledge the things I've done wrong, I'm not prepared to sit down and shut up and take that kind of rubbish from another politician."

Funnily enough, that sounds to me like exactly the kind of person who should be in parliament.

At the back of the marae, a supporter called out that he wanted to hear about Paris. It was "great", Mr Harawira reckoned, but it's a city and an issue you can bet co-leaders Tariana Turia and Pita Sharples can't wait to see the back of.

Again, this claim that it has been a serious setback for the Maori Party. But the same paragraph gives some evidence, however anecdotal, of the opposite: that the people who, for the most part, actually matter to the Maori Party - Maori voters - are actually in significant support of Harawira.

I'll ignore the Readers' Forum - a rule-of-thumb I can't recommend strongly enough. But the normally reliable Brian Rudman made me yawn with his meta-diatribe, "Hypocritical Harawira let us all down". I've read the article twice, and I can't really work out where the "hypocritical" bit comes from, apart from the fact that Harawira visited Paris, "one of the centres of the imperial nastiness he's been fighting all his life". Presumably he should stick to holidaying in Parihaka.

If Parliament is a true House of Representatives, then pressuring Hone Harawira to apologise for spouting off in an email views he's been shouting from the rooftops all his life seems a tad counter-productive.

On this I'm with Dover Samuels, the former Labour MP for the Te Tai Tokerau seat Mr Harawira holds.

"Any apology from Hone would be absolute hypocrisy. He's advocating what he really believes in. He's done that for many, many years before going into Parliament," Mr Samuels told Radio New Zealand. He added any apology would "be artificial, superficial and he actually doesn't believe it".

Except, of course, Harawira didn't apologise for his views - he apologised for the way he conducted his trip and for the language in that private email. So that was a waste of three paragraphs. Also, I can't help noting the fact that everyone is going round quoting Dover Samuels, the paragon of virtue known mainly for three things: constantly wearing a hat; alleged sexual impropriety; and urinating in a corridor of the Heritage Hotel.

An informal 1979 CV, quoted more recently, quotes him writing, we "beat the shit out of some smart arse Pakeha students at Auckland for ridiculing Maori culture".

Well of course it sounds bad if you put it like that. Actually, the event in question is a key part of Auckland University folklore. There was a tradition in the engineering school of (white, male, middle-class) engineering students drawing moko on their bodies with lipstick, wearing grass skirts and performing a derisory haka. After several years of complaints and no action, a group of activists gave them a hiding. No one was killed or seriously injured, a disgusting and unfunny practice stopped, and a bunch of 'casual' racists got their comeuppance. Sounds all right to me.

And on goes the list of his 'radical' actions and statements over the years, all leading to the 'hypocrisy' of going to Paris - sacre bleu! Come on Brian, you can do better than this.

Even the expression "white motherf***ers" hardly has much shock value these days when you can walk down Queen St and hear the "F" word trilling from the lips of teenage girls.

What is a little quaint about the email exchange is to hear a 54-year-old grandfather of two still using the angry slang of American rappers of a past generation.

As a time-to-time listener to American rappers of this generation, I can assure him that the 'mofo word' is still very much in current use.

I suppose we can expect more of the same tomorrow - a quick search on the Herald website shows 24 articles starring or co-starring Harawira in the last five days. His crimes, as far as I can see them, are as follows:

He pulled a sickie at work to go sightseeing, and apparently paid for it himself.
He used naughty, naughty language in a private email to a person he knew.
He holds controversial but - let's face it - not completely unfounded views on race relations in New Zealand.

His main 'crime' however, was of course subtly different. He did all this right after Rodney Hide's shame, and thus found himself in the centre of one of those periodic witch-hunts that so captures the magpie-like eye of the national media. Sometime soon this gem will lose its lustre - I don't know, a dog will bite a child or something - and the Herald will spread its wings and dive to pick up the new, shiny news item; and MPs' expenses and perks, Rodney and Hone, they will all fall from the nest, unloved and ignored.

Dennis the menace

2009-11-11T10:33:00.001+13:00

"Quaid? Yeah, I remember that guy..." *Post*

The news week starts there

2009-11-09T09:32:00.002+13:00

SENSATIONAL HEADLINE
undermines newspaper's credibility

If you're into listening to people rant and complain on the internet - yes, like talkback radio - for quarter of an hour, you may be interested in hearing 'News Rage aka the Ebeneezer Report with Grinch Face', my segment on the bFM Sunday Breakfast yesterday.

If you're not, I have no advice; you're already doing fine.

Not a story

2009-11-06T10:46:00.003+13:00

I've written about some pretty heavy stuff this week - crime reporting, politics, journalism and advertising - and it's left me physically and emotionally drained. In between the massive lapses in journalistic and editorial ethics, of course, there has been the usual small-time bollocks that I just haven't had time to deal with. As such, I hereby introduce a new regular* feature at EtH - "Not a story". I think the title speaks for itself.

*Probably not, really.

------------------------------

"Hide's trip included LA theme park and wedding" (Page A2, Friday 6 November)

Act leader Rodney Hide took his girlfriend, Louise Crome, to an amusement park in Los Angeles during their taxpayer-funded trip that was also timed to coincide with her brother's wedding near London.
The Herald has learned Mr Hide squeezed in a visit to Universal Studios after an official meeting with a top Los Angeles City Council official.
Mr Hide's spokeswoman confirmed that the couple had some time before their flights home to New Zealand and thought, "We've got a couple of hours downtime, let's have some fun".

Here's a classic example of an interesting story turned boring by over-reporting. When news came out that Rodney 'Perkbuster' Hide had used taxpayer money to take his girlfriend on a luxury trip around the world in a time of recession and unemployment, people were rightly outraged. Here was a legitimately newsworthy political story - a waste of taxpayer money with the added frisson of hypocrisy.

And now it's dead; it's been pummelled, trampled into the ground by this humourless report. They took a weekend off - as I suspect many of us did - to go to his girlfriend's brother's wedding? They decided to do something with their pre-flight downtime instead of sitting around self-flagellating? I await with bated breath the next report - "Hide in meal scandal" - where it is exclusively revealed that Rodney Hide went to a restaurant for dinner and didn't eat a bowl of steamed rice in his hotel room like Patrick Gower would have done.

Not a story.

------------------------------

"Staff gaffe costs dog's life" (Page A3, Friday 6 November)

A staff error at an animal pound has led to a pet dog being killed before its owner could collect it.
Kaos, a shar pei-cross belonging to Michelle Griffiths of Manurewa, was impounded on September 17 and killed eight days later.
"I got a little handwritten card - they said they would hold her until the 26th," Ms Griffiths said.
"I went to the pound to pick my baby up and they said, 'She was killed yesterday. Sorry, we got the kill date wrong'."

Let me just say, first off, that I love dogs. I think they're great. Let me now qualify that with this: if I want to read articles about dogs, I will pick up a copy of Canine Monthly or Dog Fancier. Short of a dog being elected super-city mayor, I don't want to read stories about individual dogs in the news section of the Herald. Ta.

Secondly, there's something fishy about this 'story', a 'story' an actual 'reporter' spent time 'researching'.

Mr Gillingwater said Kaos was originally impounded because of welfare issues, but Ms Griffiths believes the situation could easily have been avoided.
She said although Kaos was seized on grounds of abandonment, she had simply been at work and thought her pet was safe at home.

Right. So on September 17 your dog was picked up by the pound when you were 'at work'. It then took you eight days to go to the pound and pick up your 'baby'? Were you at work the whole time? Oh, I know how it is - I always leave things to the last minute. Last day to pay the power bill, last day to get my warrant of fitness, last day to pick my puppy up from the pound before it gets euthanised... Yeah. Moving on.

Not a story.

------------------------------

"If music be the food of love... let's eat" (Page A11 ("Opinion"), Friday 6 November)

Dear Noelle,
I thoroughly enjoy listening to you on Radio New Zealand National when I get the chance. However, I stumbled on your blog on the Herald website, which was a pleasant surprise.
I was intrigued by your comment about Jeff Buckley. I'm wondering perhaps if that is where I am going wrong with my relationships. Is Jeff Buckley like some sort of relationship repellent? On second thoughts, I doubt Jeff is of any concern to my relationships - it doesn't seem to get to the "let's get to know each other's music taste" stage. Nonetheless, I'd love to hear your opinion.
Cheers, Alexander
Dearest Alexander,
God, Jeff Buckley. Where to begin? We can begin with me at 19. Predictably naive, with a penchant for knee-high boots and short skirts, Rimmel Black Cherry lipstick and good-looking boys in flannel shirts. So far, so textbook. [...]

I'm sorry, what? Other articles on the Opinion page: Gwynne Dyer on the geopolitical importance of the elections in Afghanistan; and Professor Andrew Bradstock on the importance of relative social equality for making a better society.

Not ~~a story~~ an opinion.

Party on, Garth

2009-11-05T10:29:00.005+13:00

Props to Danyl at the wonderful Dim-Post, who dragged himself out of bed at 5am and promptly compounded one mistake with another: reading Garth George's column, this week entitled "We should all salute our wonderful PM". On closer inspection, this turned out to be less a strict behavioural recommendation - although that wouldn't have surprised me - and more a general love-in, if a love-in could just involve a scary old man building a shrine to Great Leader in his basement.

It comes as no surprise that John Key and National remain top of the political pops a year into their reign. That's pretty much all down to Mr Key, a Prime Minister the like of whom we have never seen.
Our award-winning political commentator, John Armstrong, described him on Saturday as a "political phenomenon", which are the very words I had already chosen for this column. But, as is now and again the case when you write only weekly, someone beat me to it.

Let's be honest; you didn't really just ~~steal~~ independently come up with two words from John Armstrong's article. You have, in fact, repeated the same story, more or less; the same sycophantic rubbish that Armstrong's article on Key, Patrick Gower's article on "Crusher" Collins and the rest of the Herald's coverage on National's first year in power. As the Dim-Post points out, thank goodness that the Electoral Finance Act has been repealed so we can again have a balanced and critical Fourth Estate.

Oh, and something else: Garth has not only copied Armstrong's article - only replacing the dots on the 'i's with love hearts - he actually plagiarised himself. His article on March 19 - "Key is PM of a type never seen before" - is almost exactly the same in tone and content as today's. If this is a trend, we should expect another piece demanding the immediate return of Georgie Pie in the next fortnight.

Now here come the reminiscences:

I have met almost every prime minister since Sid Holland led the first National Government elected in 1949, and none of them resembles today's incumbent.
When it comes to affability and consensus, perhaps Keith Holyoake comes close, but not all that close. I still remember as an early teenager barging into my father's office to find a little, dapper chap sitting there on his own. He sprang to his feet, held out his hand, and declaimed: "I'm Keith Holyoake, who are you?"

The odd thing about this is that it made me think about Garth George as a young person. It's not that I thought he had emerged, opinions fully-formed, from an egg. It's more that I saw him as existing through, or perhaps outside of, time: here he is, meeting Pitt the Elder; there he is complaining about how young Romans have no respect for the Emperor anymore.

But I digress. The next section of the article I am just going to auto-summarise:

[...] man of the people ... unspoiled by the poisonous atmosphere of power politics ... remains one of us ... at home in the company of a class of primary schoolkids ... or in the company of the world's high and mighty ... amiable, engaging, good-natured, highly intelligent, humorous and, most of all, unaffected [Yeah, that's all one sentence.] ... there is no "side" to him, no insistence on protocol, no efforts to protect him from the hoi polloi ... attractive traits ... unbridled enthusiasm ... utter delight in being Prime Minister ... fatherless state house kid made good ... achieved significant personal success in the real world ... short on theory and long on practice ... readiness to admit to making a mistake ... He doesn't U-turn; he simply closes one door and opens another.

What? What does that even mean.

Nor is he - as so many wealthy people are - miserly.

Nor is he a paedophile, a Nazi war criminal, a 'P' addict or a slaveowner. God bless you, JK.

He is reported to give freely to charitable causes, and insists on paying for his wife to accompany him when he has to travel overseas.
As a proud New Zealander, this makes me cringe. He is our Prime Minister, the chief executive of our nation's business amounting to much more than $100 billion. He is, by private business standards, paid a pittance in salary and expenses.
As our principal face to the world, he should always travel in style, first class all the way, and should be able to take his wife, and even family, with him if he chooses - all at the Government's expense.

Good lord. Does this remind anyone else of that 'Leave Britney alone' video from a couple of years ago? A cross between that and Cleopatra's giant golden barge in that Asterix book where they go to Egypt.

[...] But back to our popular PM. John Armstrong hypothesises that failure to deliver on the economy could see Mr Key's sparkling performance in his first year count for nothing more than burned-out neon come the 2011 election. I doubt it.
Mr Key is an avid fan of the All Blacks, a frequent attendee at their games and a regular, potently encouraging presence in their dressing room.
This is a political stratagem of astounding brilliance. For if the All Blacks win the World Cup on October 20, 2011, New Zealanders will be in such a state of euphoria that National will stroll over the line in early in November.

"Astounding brilliance"? Don't you remember when Helen Clark, a sensible, pragmatic woman who would rather have watched paint dry than rugby, had to be driven at 170 km/h to get to an airport so she could make it to an All Blacks game - all just so that morons could make the link between her and rugby.

Yeah, I think the "support the All Blacks" strategy has been tried before.

As to the more general point that Armstrong sensibly made about Key's popularity, I'm sure we can all think of another well-known politician who was extremely popular after a year in office:

Food for thought, n'est-ce pas?

(And I actually quite admire John Key.)

We can start a newspaper... under the sea

2009-11-05T09:06:00.002+13:00

No ice cream... geddit?

Meet the heavyweight of the jellyfish world. The Nomuras jellyfish can grow to 2m wide and weigh more than 200kg. And although it is boneless and floats aimlessly, it can be a menace. Yesterday, a 10-tonne fishing boat trawling off Japan's east coast was capsized by the weight of dozens of the ocean giants caught in its net. New Zealand fishers need not worry - the jellyfish breed in the East China Sea, and are pushed by currents close to Japan.

New Zealand readers need not worry - the photo of a sea creature taking up half the front page has nothing to do with New Zealand or any significant news story.

In the wake of sharks and whales on the front page, I think we can officially call this a trend.

Use Your Conclusion

2009-11-04T10:15:00.003+13:00

I have written before about the oddly 'naive' way in which the Herald writes about crime statistics. They'll run a lead story like the one on the front page today - "Gangster kids keep time for church" - where the amazing revelation is made that young people aren't the Antichrist. It's not even a thing that happened, it's just something a judge said. Judges say things all the time that don't get reported in the paper - why did this comment get on the front page? The irony is that, despite the headline and start of the story implying that young people are slimy little bastards, the article ends up making the rather sympathetic, if blindingly obvious, point that youths involved in gangs still like their families.

I digress. They run a lead story like that, and then when actual statistics come out that show the murder rate decreasing and the 'increases' in violence to be "driven almost entirely by increased recording and reporting of family violence", it gets buried and left without comment. (You'll notice the above link is in fact an NZPA article, not a Herald one.)

It was with all this in mind that I read this article on page A2 of yesterday's paper. "Crime is someone else's problem", goes the headline, which is itself an interesting take on what the article says.

New Zealanders can recognise crime in other areas, but prefer to dismiss it as part of everyday life in their own, a study suggests.

Ok. Go on.

More than 1400 people took part in a Victoria University survey, Not in my backyard? Crime in the Neighbourhood, conducted by Institute of Criminology director Associate Professor Michael Rowe.
The study focused on four areas - Murrays Bay on Auckland's North Shore, Otahuhu in South Auckland, Westown in New Plymouth and Havelock North in Hawkes Bay. They were selected for their varying socio-economic status, demographic profile and police-recorded crime rates.
The survey found that while more than 80 per cent of respondents agreed - or strongly agreed - crime was a serious problem in New Zealand, 63.2 per cent believed it was a problem only in other areas.

Now, this is interesting. Why would so many people think it was a problem elsewhere? How would they know? Let's read on and find out what the conclusions of the report were.

Respondents from Otahuhu - the area with the highest crime rate - did identify crime as a serious problem in their neighbourhood but, like the other regions, tended to dissociate it from the local community.

Ok...

"Otahuhu has got a lot of bad people, I know, but not as it's made out to be [that] all crimes are committed by people in Otahuhu."

[...] One laughed off finding comatose teenagers in her yard at weekends.

[...]"But most of them we sort of know because our children grew up in Havelock North so ... I'm not threatened personally by it, it's just disorder, if you can call it disorder."

And.... that's it. That's the article. Finis. It's just a series of anecdotes, with no talk of why these outcomes might be the case. "What an odd paper to publish," I thought. "An academic paper with no discussion or conclusions?" So I decided to track down the one of the authors of the original report, who was kind enough to send me a copy of it. (He emphasised that it has not yet been approved for publishing, but that didn't stop the Herald half-reporting the results.)

What probably shouldn't surprise you is that the report does in fact draw some conclusions, albeit tentative, about why the disparity exists between people's concern for crime in their area and their angst about crime in New Zealand. And it's not like they're buried at the back, where an overly rushed Herald reporter might miss them. The abstract itself starts:

Contrary to much political and media discourse, quantitative and qualitative results of a research study suggest that the New Zealand public do not regard crime and disorder as escalating or serious problems in local neighbourhoods. Across a range of different areas, the study found that a majority of respondents did not regard crime in their local community as a serious problem compared to other districts, neither did they report that it was an escalating problem.

Weird! Because the article didn't mention anything about that!

In contrast, respondents were much more likely to report that crime problems were serious and increasing across the nation as a whole. This discrepancy might be explained by the reliance of the public on media coverage of crime for information on national crime trends and patterns.

Media coverage! Like in the Herald. Later, in the discussion, the authors conclude that such media coverage and populist politics - "Crusher" Collins, anyone? - might have serious negative effects for the country:

That media and political perspectives on crime are inconsistent with public opinion might be of general concern given considerable and continuing legislative and financial investments undertaken as a consequence. They are also problematic since efforts to develop local community policing and community safety community safety initiatives are likely to be hampered if the complexities of public perspectives are overlooked.

The interesting question concerns how it came to pass that an article about an academic criminology study managed to leave out any sort of analysis or conclusion - material that was clear and obvious in the paper that the journalist (presumably) made some attempt at reading. I suppose I don't know enough about how newsrooms work to answer that question. Does the journalist, consciously or unconsciously, leave out material that conflicts with the media's line? Is it an editorial decision, a case of some higher up figure gutting the article? Did the journalist really think that the discussion wasn't interesting or relevant?

It's interesting to see what they did find relevant, with a capital 'R' in big red letters.

You know, I would laugh - look, there's been a crime! - if I didn't think that it (both this article and general crime reporting) was a serious failure to meet the most basic standards of disinterested journalism. I'd really like to hear from anyone who thought otherwise.

------------------------------

On a completely unrelated note - not at all related whatsoever, the Herald assures me - yesterday's Your Views topic was "Is crime a serious problem in New Zealand?" It's possibly the most depressing YV ever, but it's interesting to read in light of the paper discussed above:

Orcinus (Kaukapakapa): Bank robberies are everywhere; living closer to those bank and central town area makes me worry if such incidence falls on to me when I walk aroun the town.

Sigh.

A good cause

2009-11-03T13:40:00.005+13:00

It just keeps getting worse. Seriously, I don't know if I can keep this up for much longer.

Page A5 has an 'article' (and I really mean press release) written by (and I really mean cut-and-pasted by) one Beck Vass* entitled "BNZ rolls up its sleeves for good causes". Oh yeah, cool.

BNZ branches will be closed around the country tomorrow as 3500 staff carry out volunteer work for community projects.
The "Closed for Good" initiative will require 177 store closures so bank staff can lend a hand to community groups including the Salvation Army, the Auckland Deaf Society and SPCA.

The online version is then interrupted by a photo of kittens.

The bank's customers will still be able to do their banking by internet, phone or at an ATM.
If customers have urgent banking to do on the day, BNZ will have a skeleton staff they can call on at 0800 24 00 00.

That's convenient - now the BNZ don't need to run their own ad. Oh, hang on, let's look at the very next page:

Of course, the article then goes on to detail the $650m tax fraud case from July currently under appeal in the courts:

[Text not found.]

Oh, come on Herald. You know the one. It's the one where the judge claimed that, apart from tax-dodging purposes, "these transactions had no commercial rationale, logic or purpose for the BNZ". No? The one that was, until the more recent $900m+ ruling against Westpac, the biggest individual tax avoidance finding in New Zealand history? Haven't heard much about either of them recently, have we?

I'm sure the BNZ was truly thinking of the good of the community when these transactions were, according to the IRD, "structured to allow the BNZ to deduct its expenses of earning the income gained on the investment, while receiving that income free of tax."

KITTENS!

*Of course, it's not her fault. I'm pretty sure Herald reporters don't get a lot of freedom to choose what they write about.

Skew(er)ing the polls

2009-11-03T09:56:00.002+13:00

Sure, we all love the internet; for one thing, it's got this blog on it. Even ignoring that, it has more shopping, celebrity gossip, slapstick videos and pornography than one could reasonably look at during one's work day.

Unfortunately, it's not totally harmless. Some relentless cybercriminals will stop at nothing to pervert the course of online justice and, in doing so, they have forced the removal of one of the most powerful tools for democracy in New Zealand. That's right - according to page A2 of today's paper, hackers have forced to removal of the Herald's daily online poll!

Online polls on the Herald's website nzherald.co.nz have been pulled until further notice after hackers entered the system, skewing the results of three polls.
The polls - which included questions relating to whether people thought Destiny Church was a cult or a church, if people thought it was okay for MP Rodney Hide to take his girlfriend on tour at taxpayers' expense and if people were sick of being told they were ruining the planet - were hacked late last week.

Hackers skewed the results? Well at least that's a change from racists skewing the results. In fact, recent polls have been so poorly designed that they're skewed before they even get on the website. "Should recycling electronic waste be easier?" No, you should have to jump over hurdles on the way to the bin. And the the "skewed" Tamaki poll - it's a shame, because today I was expecting something along the line of "Was Hitler just misunderstood?"

Mr Rees [the nzherald.co.nz publisher] said IT specialists were looking into the problems and had identified internet protocol (IP) numbers 118.92.185.135, 118.90.40.97 and 203.109.154.13 as the source of the problems but polls had been stopped until issues were resolved.

Naming and shaming, twenty-first-century style.

While some people might think the poll hacking was a conspiracy from interested parties, that was often not the case, Mr Rees said.
"Often most likely it's some kind of 18-year-old guy in a black T-shirt who's bored from looking at the new Google wave [a type of software] product and has decided to take a hack."

What? "The new google wave" ... "take a hack"? It sounds like my mother talking about the internet. (Sorry Mum.)

Anyway, there's another question here - once we've stopped sniggering - and that's about exactly why this constitutes a major news story. Apart from the more general cybercrime angle, I'm not certain that the (temporary) end of the notorious Herald online poll is a serious source of concern to anyone, let alone readers of the print edition. But it does fit into a much richer tradition: that of the Herald simply reporting anything that happens to them. Why anyone would want to read a Herald story about how Herald subscriptions have gone up - apart from the visceral thrill of 'picking the right horse' - is beyond me. (But then I'm not an advertiser.)

In solidarity with the Herald, let's finish off with a poll of our own, one that will show that 18-year-old guy in, for some reason, a black T-shirt that the internet is united against him:

Should polls be skewed by cybercriminals, or by the people writing them?

Answers on the back of a postcard.

Mai Vuz on Ur Vuz

2009-11-02T14:09:00.004+13:00

Sometimes you want to go, where everybody knows Your Views...

------------------------------

"Are you thinking of becoming a vegetarian?"

In a paper published by a respected United States think tank, the Worldwatch Institute, two World Bank environmental advisers claim that instead of 18 per cent of global emissions being caused by meat, the true figure is 51 per cent....

H (Franklin): What concerns me about this topic is that it sounds as if a great number of animals will have to be killed off to stop them contributing to green house gasses through expiration and flatulence. (Remember the FART tax!) And it probably won't just be limited to traditional farm animals.

Oh what? You mean... they'll have to kill the livestock?

winegrower (Motueka): "It's absolutely true that if everyone on earth was vegetarian then the planet could support twice the population it can support at the moment," I think not.

Take out non productive areas such as all the mountains and hill country, sea, lakes, swamps and rivers. Then take into account the fact that to get enough essential vitamins and minerals to remain healthy we would need to eat considerably more volume of food.Is there enough viable land on earth to grow enough vegetable based food without the use of animals?

What? Ok... we take out the seas and mountains, and... what? And why do I have to eat more food? And... you know animals have to eat food as well, right? And... oh, never mind.

Andrew kiwi in the (United States of America): "In a paper published by a respected United States think tank, the Worldwatch Institute"

Respected? How about never heard of.

Ignorance is bliss.

Raspberry (Epsom): No way! Meat plays a huge part in our economy, it's good for us, and in my opinion it tastes amazing! I love nothing better than a good steak.

The environment may suffer, but that's life, and it's a natural process that should be left alone. We can do better things like not littering and dumping rubbish in the ocean. Those are the things that really harm the environment.

It's not damaging the environment; on the contrary, it tastes amazing! And after all, "that's life"!

Lady Barbie Girl (Epsom): Almost all the vegetarians I've ever come across look absolutely palefaced like they are about to cop it.

So much for being a, pardon me, "healthy" vegetarian.

Not to mention that a pig can flee it's killers whilst a carrot and beetroot can't run anyway at all. Yeah, think about that.

I think that's why they put them in sow crates.

JG (West Harbour): It's a matter of personal choice.I don't think veges should shun meat eaters and make out they are better people because they don't eat animals, and likewise with the meaties-don't bash the vegetarians ,going on about how vegetables suffer too,etc,it's silly.

Everything in moderation. What is bad is filling your body with endless bottles of bright coloured fizzy,chips, high fat junk food,etc.Our diets should be primarily based on plenty of fresh fruit and veges, and water, then a bit of lean meat.

Yeah... you didn't read the topic, did you?

Al (Rotorua): Never - that lady who was in the masters games never ate a vegetable in her life now she's 100 and won a gold medal for the shot putt.

Bless.

Lyall (Sandringham): No. I am an omnivore by nature. By nature, I mean the nature that designed my body, not my personality. My teeth are designed to chew vegetable matter and cut meat. My stomach is designed to digest animal and vegetable matter. Finally, if we can't be kind and considerate of our children, why should the (relatively) humane w

ay in which we kill animals affect my diet.

I'm sorry; did you just claim that, because some people abuse their kids, animals should just shut up and be happy they have it so good?

Pedantic (Forrest Hill): To all

those vegetarians that have contributed here, thanks very much, now read the heading of this discussion!

This is only for us non-vegetarians, and poses a question about our possible future crossing to vegetarianism. We do

n't want to know how healthy and clever you are, because you will never convince us of the benefits of a vegetable diet by being arrogant and presumptious.

Hi Pedantic:

sage (victoria): vegetarians are part of a terrorist plot to destroy the agriculture and health industries of our country. be patriotic and eat meat lots of it

Hospitals will go out of business, and then doctors will be hanging around in alleyways, offering backalley elective surgery with rusty scalpels. Won't someone please think of the children?

Aklr In Exile (Napier): It is interesting that many have said that vegetarianism is good because it saves on the amount of space needed for food production.

No-one has mentioned that reducing the number of people (meat eater or vege) that need feeding would be a sensible thing to do.

Now why is that then?

Well here's my theory. One involves people in rich countries moderately adjusting their diet. The other involves at least one of:

mass extermination
mass involuntary sterilisation
oppressive, Chinese-style (or worse) population control measures.

Hmm...

mary shuto (New Windsor): Meat is essential. The New World Order wants to weaken the population and thus weaken resistance to the one world Govt implementation by decreasing our meat consumption.

Meat provides many vitamin and minerals that are extremely hard to get on a vegetarian diet, and most importantly it provides protein which builds muscle, muscle strength helps build the immune system and release testosterone to give energy and well being.

The NWO-controlled Western Governments want the people to be physically less strong and muscular to create a weaker, sicker population that will desperately and meekly accept the increasing Draconian Govt control and imminent quarantine, internment and martial law.

I predict a 'virus' will damage our meat supplies in the near future, prices will skyrocket, don't believe me? Just watch.

Okaaaay. I think that's just about enough YV trawling for today - my spleen hurts.

Disclaimer: I am a vegetarian, so long as you think of anything that lives underwater as a vegetable. I trust that even rabid meat-fanatics, as I was a few years ago, can appreciate the... interesting nature of the YV debate.

Pass the twink, Peter

2009-11-02T10:01:00.007+13:00

Just when you think that missing an apostrophe in an article about a cat falling off a balcony is about as low as the Herald could go, something happens that would make the editor of a school newspaper blush.

The Herald has been marking the first anniversary of the National government with a series of polls and profiles. Today's edition has a typically hard-hit ting feature on Judith Collins - "'Crusher' Collins: Hardline and Happy" - but Saturday's had the results of a Herald-Digipoll survey on people's perceptions of the government. One of the questions concerned preferred Prime Minister; from Saturday's print edition:

Oh yeah; John Key, Helen Clark - that's pretty stupid - Phil Goff, Winston Peters (!), Peter Sharples, Rus... wait, Peter Sharples? Presumably, any political journalist should know how to spell the name of the Minister of Maori Affairs and co-leader of the Maori Party - it's Pita Sharples. Did anyone actually look at this major graphic before it went to print?

The mistake was picked up eventually, of course. The necessary adjustment was made to the online version, and you'll be pleased to know that the Herald dealt with the error in a mature and sensible way:

Let's zoom in for a closer look:

Is that... twink? Alternatively, a Herald intern has taken to the graphic with Microsoft Paint. That's right, adding insult to insult, and rather than slightly redoing the graphic to get the name of a minister of the Crown correct, the paper have decided that the best approach is to write over it in a way that would shame an amateur theatre society newsletter.

I understand resources are tight. So my proposal for a solution is going to take that into account: from today on, Herald, you're going to have to do all your work in pencil until you've earned the privilege of using pen.

You couldn't make this up

2009-10-31T17:26:00.005+13:00

The Weekend Herald isn't like the daily Herald - the journalists can really emphasise the most important events of the whole week. Like this article, from page A3 of today's newspaper:

A pet cat escaped with only three broken teeth and a fractured jaw after falling six storeys from an apartment balcony on Auckland's viaduct.
Graeme and Alison Pike are surprised tabby Camo didn't fall on to someone's plate in one of the restaurants on the waterfront.

If it had, this story would have made the front page.

But when the Pikes took Camo to the vet, she only needed three of her teeth extracted. Her fractured jaw was left to heal on its own.

"The vets eyes were definitely raised," Mrs Pike said.

I think that should be "vet's eyes" (in the paper and online), but don't worry - the Weekend Herald is only, as the article below attests, "read by an average of 618,000 people" every week. It's not like it's a major newspaper.

I don't really know what to say. How did this 'storey' - hur hur - even get to the paper's attention? My preferred version of events is that the owners, amused at their cat's travails, contacted Sideswipe to get the story out there.

"This story isn't fit for Sideswipe," they were told. "No, this is going straight to page three."

[EDIT: Muphry's Law. Where's my sub?]

Oops

2009-10-30T10:32:00.004+13:00

First thought: that's a bit naff. I thought Obama had better taste than that, for some reason. But I'm bored enough to read the entertainment news on the Herald website.

NEW YORK - Sting isn't a religious man, but he says President Barack Obama might be a divine answer to the world's problems.

Headline: "Sting 'sent from God' says Obama.

UH OH. Someone didn't read the story!

EDIT: It's fixed now. I like to think God Himself was furious at the mixup.

Tens of thousands of dollars!

2009-10-30T09:37:00.002+13:00

Here I go again, faced with the choice between Herald sensationalism and Destiny fundamentalism. Fortunately for Bishop, this blog is called 'Editing the Herald' and not 'Editing General Irrationalism'. You may think that a crazy church is more worrisome than a rubbish newspaper - but then you probably haven't read the awful article on page 3 today. Honestly, it makes you yearn for Page 3 of the Sun.

Destiny Church supporters parted with tens of thousands of dollars for the privilege of watching 700 worshippers swear an oath of allegiance to leader Bishop Brian Tamaki.

First, nice use of sarcasm in supposedly factual reporting - "the privilege". Evidently, a lot of people did find it a privilege. But still - tens of thousands of dollars? That's incredible! How on earth did the church members afford to go? I mean, tens of thousands of dollars gets you... a meeting with Barack Obama!

Church officials have confirmed "several thousand" people paid $30 each to attend the ceremony, with a $60 concession for family groups.

Oh. Well that's slightly misleading, isn't it. It would be more accurate to say, "Destiny Church supporters parted with thirty dollars for the privilege...". But then it wouldn't sound as much like Armageddon, would it?

Though the church could not give exact numbers yesterday, some who watched the oath ceremony estimated that about 3000 people were present - an audience which alone would have raised at least $90,000.

The church said there was a subsidy for "those who couldn't afford it", but it is not clear what the amount was.

Not clear what the amount was? Well, let's be charitable - perhaps they paid what they could afford? That's why it would be unclear, yeah? Either that or they pledged their souls in eternal servitude to Bishop. Anyway, let's look more closely at the Herald's calculations. 3000 people would have raised "at least" $90,000, it says. I'm not sure where the "at least" comes from, given that there's no suggestion that anyone in the audience paid more than $30. In fact, it's implied that a lot of people paid less. Destiny Church claims to be very family-oriented, so I would imagine there were a lot of family groups there. If a modest family group of four people attended, they would 'only' have paid $60, straight away taking our total down to $89,940. Then there's the issue of the subsidy. Although the Herald seems skeptical of its very existence, and ignoring the eternal servitude option, any monetary subsidy would have reduced this total further. Perhaps budget cuts at the Herald mean that all the calculators were put on Trademe.

Members were also asked for $10 to fund the Destiny School building extension, and a gold-coin donation to Destiny Television Ministries.

Yeah, well that just sounds like any church - or school - to me.

My point is, of course it's a rort. Of course Brian Tamaki likes the high life, and has to fund it. But you don't need to make stuff up, for a start. And you don't need to bang on about it like you're trying to justify an invasion of Iraq.

Epilogue:

Tight poll
Destiny Church supporters last night flooded an nzherald.co.nz poll which asked: How would you describe Brian Tamaki's Destiny Church? Of 10,579 readers who voted by 7.50pm, 49 per cent said it was a "valid church", while 51 per cent said Destiny Church was "a cult". Those results reflected a remarkable change from three hours earlier, when just 4 per cent of 4733 readers had voted for the "valid church" option.

Now look whose prediction was vaguely right. I just love the sense of mock outrage - after all that hard work, Destiny Church ruined the Herald's carefully designed, scientific poll!

"Feel Bishop's Flow"

2009-10-29T10:50:00.005+13:00

Astrology, said J.K. Galbraith, was invented to make economic prediction look reliable. The latter, it seems, could be substituted for journalistic prediction. Last week, I predicted the end of the road for Garth George's Herald column; in the wake of climate change denial (sorry Garth, but it is denial) and a scandal around alleged plagiarism, he had seemingly been demoted to the bottom of the opinion page.

How wrong I was. He is not only back to the top of the page; he has in fact been given the whole page, which features, not one, but two columns about Brian 'Bishop' Tamaki and his 700 sons. If you haven't already read about the oath to honour and obey 'Bishop' and his wife, then you've missed out on one of those hilarious/terrifying moments where you don't know whether to laugh or crawl up into a foetal ball. The Herald is all over the story today: it's the front page lead, as well as the website poll:

Currently 96 per cent of people are siding with 'a cult', but presumably at least 700 people will vote 'valid church' by the end of the day. Quite what is meant by 'valid church', I am unsure. It could, of course, be the technical meaning in logic: a church whose premises entail its conclusion. More likely, I feel, is the idea that the Destiny Church is ridiculous in a way that mainstream churches are not.

The old saying goes that a language is a dialect with an army and a navy. A similar sort of thing could be said about religion: a 'valid church' is a cult with fancy robes and the favour of journalists. Jesus may have said some pretty fundamental things, but if he and his followers weren't a 'Jewish cult', what were they? This isn't a new idea; in The Brothers Karamazov, Ivan tells the story of a resurrected Christ being thrown into the dungeons by the Spanish Inquisition, on the grounds that his return is too dangerous for the Church. In the Herald, however, such irony is unrecognised.

I never thought that I would find myself siding, even in part, with the Destiny Church - but here I am. Of course they're ridiculous - but are "Bishop's" teachings any sillier than most other religions? Garth certainly thinks so and, well-known for his progressive views on gender - he hates male homosexuality but has no problem with lesbians - he mocks Destiny Church for their sexism:

Another enigma in this business is that no mention is anywhere made of the women of the church, apart, of course, from Mr Tamaki's wife, known as Pastor Hannah.
I presume that Mr Tamaki and his church leaders take literally the three-verse passage in Paul's letter to the Ephesians which says: "Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church ... Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything."

On Tuesday, meanwhile, the paper reported on another religious organisation that discriminates against women: the Catholic Church. That time, however, it was a perfectly straight-faced report that didn't ridicule the church at all. I mean, it's an absolute gold mine - funny robes, chanting, having to call the boss 'Holy Father'. I hear the 'priests' even have to take 'vows' not to have sex with anyone for their whole lives! It seems to me that you should take one of two relatively consistent views: either treat them with the same respect, or mercilessly ridicule them all.

One might argue that the Destiny Church is different in another important sense. In 2005, thousands of Destiny Church members, mixed with the odd National Front nutjob, marched up Queen St shouting 'Enough is enough'; the previous year, a rally in front of Parliament had attracted thousands of people to protest New Zealand's moral decay. And these weren't the nice old ladies going to mass on Sunday. These people were loud; they were young; they were overwhelmingly male; they were angry; and (whisper it) they were almost all Maori or Pacific Islanders. Though violence never really broke out, the threat of violence was always implicit - at least, that's what one picked up from the media. This organisation was a threat.

In reality, the 5000 people gathered in front of parliament would have been dwarfed by the crowd seeing Hannah Montana at a mall. When the church's political wing ran in the elections, they got 0.6 per cent of the party vote - more than the Legalise Cannabis Party, but not enough to get anyone into parliament. The fevered reports this morning of cultism are, in fact, the first time I have heard of the organisation in a couple of years. (Actually, that's not true. The Herald on Sunday last weekend carried a fascinating report on Bishop Tamaki selling his house.) Is the Destiny Church really a threat to anything?

Let's just wait for the poll to finish so we can find out.

Groundbreaking study

2009-10-27T07:35:00.002+13:00

- Yes; I'm a normal, balanced person.

- No; too many immigrants are already coming here to abuse our lax electronic waste recycling policies.

Too poor for the College Herald

2009-10-23T16:11:00.004+13:00

Just enough time to comment on this wonderful article, also from yesterday's paper. If you were worrying about the future of newspapers, you can stop worrying now: the College Herald is coming to the rescue!

The future of newspapers is looking brighter, as college students compete for awards for their journalism - and choose newspapers over blogs.

Well, there's the first lie straight off the bat.

Macleans College Year 10 student James Coventry received one of 19 prizes - a Canon digital camera and $500 for his school - for his article on the benefits of the recession.
He was praised for regularly contributing written and visual work to the College Herald.
But he is exceptional in other ways, too: he does not have a blog, and flips through the newspaper every morning.
In fact, none of four award winners the Herald spoke to have a blog. All said they read a physical newspaper at least once a week.

Right. So, first off, this Herald survey only managed to talk to four of the 19 winners, even though 16 of them were right there. Secondly, the Herald is astonished by the following fact: people who write - unpaid - for newspapers tend to read newspapers from time to time. Or, at least, when a journalist from the newspaper that just gave them $1000 asks them if they read it they tend to say, "Yes". Startling.

The paper also benefited, as the students' work was highly regarded by readers.

...

"Some [submissions] I had to read three or four times because they were so poignant, written like I didn't think could be written any more," Ms Mihinui said.

Yes, it's because they're so... poignant. Anyway, I don't want to bag the kids - I'm sure half their articles are better than this one.

Unitec and Canon were the sponsors of the pages - and the prizegiving - this year.

And this article.

P.O.G.:The beginning of the end?

2009-10-23T14:57:00.004+13:00

I did something foolish, and asked for more interesting work. It turns out they only heard 'more'.

Anyway, anyone for good news?

There he is, for the first time I can remember, at the bottom of the Opinion page. Sure, it is the Prime Minister - well, an aide I assume - at the top, but that's Garth's spot. Wait, does this mean...

Whatever the implications for the continuation of Garth's pie-money, the article itself is more-or-less the standard "nothing will replace newspapers" manifesto that you see so regularly in... newspapers. That's not to say that it doesn't have some great Garth moments:

I am grateful that I do not have to rely for my information on radio, television, or any other electronic means of communication for I would not only be poorly informed, but misinformed and ill-informed as well.

Yes, God forbid.

And the words? These came via teleprinter from the NZPA in Wellington, were sub-edited with pen or pencil, headed, sent to a linotype operator to be set in metal, galley printed, sent to a proof-reader, then corrected and manually placed in a page form.

Ahh, those were the days - way back when Herald articles were subedited.

So - what do you reckon? Will this indeed be the last installment of 'Party on, Garth'? Or can he, like the Lernaean Hydra, only be defeated by scorching the neck stumps with fire?

So...

2009-10-21T09:54:00.002+13:00

How are those multi-billion dollar tax fraud cases coming along?

Oh.

Be prepared

2009-10-20T15:55:00.003+13:00

Turns out that TVNZ is all over this as well.

Follow this story to ONE News at 6.00pm: Melissa Stokes is live in Auckland with the latest on this story

Oh, thank goodness. A live cross to Auckland Museum, where only hours ago nothing happened. As a journalist acquaintance told me today, the great thing (from a media perspective) about this story is how nicely it was set up for them. First there was the Auckland Grammar-Kelston rugby brawl, where two groups of youths briefly stopped running into each other and started hitting each other - then got back to running into each other. Secondly, there was the Nazi Party nazi party at Lincoln 'University' which managed to outrage the nation for about five minutes. Auckland Grammar School + Nazis? That, my friends, is ratings gold. Plus they have already found all the stock photos and footage!

Anyway, this is why I don't watch the television news - but you should feel free to so you relate the awfulness back to me later.

PS And yes, I did go to Auckland Grammar School. Do I feel, like Race Relations Commissioner Joris de Bres, "ashamed to be an old boy of Auckland Grammar after the actions of the schoolboys"?

No. I was already ashamed.

Grammar nazis

2009-10-20T11:08:00.006+13:00

God, it's so bloody predictable.

News item: teenage schoolboys think it's hilarious to 'worship' a swastika. Is that the best you can do? "Children do stupid thing - no one harmed"? Are the children nazis - let alone Nazis? I can't imagine they are; I suspect that, like other children, their political views largely consist of arguing over who is the best Pokemon, or whatever Pokemon-derivative is popular these days.

Nonetheless, we have to go through the whole boring public flagellation - lest we forget.

Step 1: Contact the president of the RSA to see what he thinks about it. Surprisingly, he's against it.

Step 2: Contact the head of the New Zealand Jewish Council to see what Jews think about the holocaust. Seriously, the only time anyone contacts him is when we've all embarrassed ourselves, and it's all part of the collective punishment. Because we know what he's going to say, right? He's shocked and appalled. We knew that already. So next time someone vandalises a Jewish cemetery or salutes a swastika we can probably just assume that the Jewish Council aren't going to be delighted. Maybe once in a while they could contact the New Zealand Gypsy Council to see how they feel. Just for a change.

Step 3: Force the kids - whose crime, after all, was to get caught - to make a public apology. Then we can film it and write about it and then the millions of victims of the war won't have died in vain.

It's all over the online media: the Herald, the perennially awful stuff.co.nz, Your Views, ridiculous blogs - yeah, hold them back a year, that will teach them. Here's the lead graphic from stuff.co.nz:

Wait, they perpetrated the holocaust, right?

It's also in the print media, of course. The Herald have helpfully included a swastika next to the article for those readers unsure of exactly what the students were worshipping.

I'm sure Watercare and Partridge Jewellers are delighted with the juxtaposition. In a different delicious, picture-related irony, the same media who lambasted the children for putting pictures of their depraved acts on the internet have responded by... putting pictures of the depraved acts on the internet.

Meanwhile, Your Views is concerned with what this means for the education system. Are our children not learning their history? Probably not, but what that has to do with this case I am unsure. Do people really think this is the first time anyone has made a joke or 'prank' about the Nazis? I'm pretty sure the first post-war Nazi 'pranks' were made in 1945. Get a grip, people. And the Herald is far from the beacon of progressive light that it seems to think it is. Which do you think would have entertained Hitler more: some idiot kids who know nothing about him, or this cartoon?

Anyway, everything will be fine. Let me know when the media is over lynching a group of kids. I'll be in the bar.

Mysterious Asian, I wanna get close to you...

2009-10-16T10:17:00.004+13:00

"REVEALED: SECRET OF AISLING SUSPECT"! That's the front page headline this morning, as the Herald seeks to further flog what appears to be a tragic accident. So by 'suspect', they actually mean 'person not suspected of anything to do with it'.

The mysterious Asian woman seen with Aisling Symes was mentally unwell and has a history of trying to lure children into cars with lollies.

Ah, the "mysterious Asian" trope. They're so opaque, Asians; we never really know what's going on in their heads. They're all profound and peaceful on the surface, like the Dalai Lama. But get beyond that exterior and they are cunning and calculating, like Ming the Merciless. Anyway, she's mysterious, right? Because evidently she didn't read the paper and turn herself in straight away.

The Herald has learned the woman was from the Philippines, had a dog and fitted the general description given by the 9-year-old who saw her approach the toddler just after 5pm last Monday week.

Asian? Check. Has dog? Check. (NB - probably for dinner.) Fits general description given by child? Check. Guilty of some sort of crime? Oh, wait...

The article spends a lot of time rehashing the old abduction story. I can just about buy the argument that at least some of the hysteria of last week was justified by the fact that it may have helped find the girl. Hell, maybe referring to her as Asian even had some point then, if it helped people find the woman; now that that isn't going to happen, I wonder what the reason for this reporting is. One has to go down to the ninth 'paragraph' before we find this:

Detectives spoke to the woman on Tuesday night, and Mr Davey said police were "satisfied she's unable to help us further".
He refused to discuss the conversation and said the woman was no longer part of the investigation.

So... the police have no further interest in this woman.... sorry, Asian woman. Because we mustn't forget the importance of her ethnicity. It's lucky she's not also a lesbian, because "Revealed: Gay secret of Aisling suspect" wouldn't have fit on the header. Although perhaps they could have dropped the word "suspect", seeing as "the woman was no longer part of the investigation."

In fact, the scariest part of the article is this:

Police then [after the body was found] said they had located the Asian woman, but refused to identify her.

How dare they refuse to name an (apparently) totally innocent person so that a newspaper who can smell (non-white) blood can more-or-less accuse her of murder? But don't worry, the Herald have done their own investigative journalism to uncover a person of no public interest whatsoever.

An Asian person.